Keep Hanging On

It’s a tough concept. A tough word to say or hear or think or even imagine. It’s real though. Very real. It happens: Suicide. Hard to wrap your mind around it. It breaks my heart that people think they have to commit suicide when they’re going through hardships in life. We think that what they’re going through is just a phase. That they’ll one day get over it. They may even think that about themselves. Until one day, things get worse. One little thing sets them off. One tiny button is pushed and it takes them to the thoughts that they can’t go on anymore. They feel defeated by hurt. They feel defeated by pain. They feel like no one cares for them anymore. So, they don’t think twice anymore. They don’t stop themselves this time. They do it.

“One bottle of pills and the pain will be gone.”

“One deep cut in the perfect spot and the hurt will go away.”

“One bullet is all it’s gonna take to finally be free.”

“One rope is all that I need to find peace.”

“One jump is all I need to get out of this madness.”

They don’t think of the toll it takes on their friends and loved ones. As far as they were concerned, no one cared about them. Was that not the whole problem?!

It makes you think, doesn’t it. It makes you want to show your family and friends just how much you truly care for them. It makes you think about what you say to people and how you say it. It makes you watch your actions a little closer. It makes you pray a little harder.

Some people blame God when it happens. They question Him as to why He didn’t stop them. Truth is though, maybe it’s you. Did you ever think that maybe God was trying to get your attention?! I bet not. Maybe He wants you to cry out to Him in this time of need. Maybe it’s His way of saying, “Hey you! Time and life is precious. Choose who you’re gonna start living it for.” Maybe it’s His way of telling you to share your faith a little more. Who’s to say that if you would’ve shared your faith with that certain person, then they wouldn’t have killed themselves?! Did you ever think of that?! It’s God. He’s trying to give us all a wake up call.

I read and hear stories about how often people commit suicide. It breaks my heart. Those people were crying out for help, and no one helped them. No one thought they’d actually do it. I can almost guarantee that the guilt turns on almost immediately for those people who realize that someone was crying out for their help.

Let me tell you this: I know what it’s like to feel alone. I know how it feels to be hurt. Pain sucks whether it’s physical or emotional.

Just know that you can get through whatever obstacles that life throws your way. With strength and with prayer and with faith through God, all things are possible.

And, if you need to talk to someone, don’t hesitate to seek a counselor or a mentor or anyone who’s willing to listen.

It’s okay to feel pain. It’s human. But, when it happens, always remember that God won’t give you anything that you can’t bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Stay strong.

Keep faith.

Always pray.

I love you and I care for you. I’m praying, too.

Just keep hanging on.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide,

contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-

273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). 

Here's a little song to let you know that it's okay to feel worn. God is in control. You can make it. I promise: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM 

Battle In My Heart

I'm stuck.
The walls keep caving in on me.
The ceiling is crashing down on me.
The floor is falling apart beneath my feet.
Its too quiet.
Its too dark.
There are sharp temptations everywhere.
I can feel them.
I can feel how cold it is.
I can almost smell the depression in the air.
I must be dreaming.
But, it feels so real.
"Where am I?!"
I screamed out to the air.
...No answers except my echo...
I sit there in the overwhelming silence.
Still, expecting only another echo, I cry out again.
"Where am I?!"
...Echo...
Then, I felt a gust of cold air.
Then, a sudden wave of heat.
I blink.
When I opened my eyes, there stood Satan.
An evil looking grin on his face.
He turned on the light.
He goes, "Look! Look at all of these fun things around you."
I just stare, blankly.
He goes, "Check out this knife. Isn't it a beauty?"
I wince.
But, I take a second look.
I say, "Well maybe I'll just look at it."
He hands it to me, smiling.
It take it, scared.
Suddenly, God appeared.
Satan steps closer to me.
God says, "Leave my daughter alone."
I look back and forth between them.
Satan goes, "Why allow Him to call you His daughter when He's letting your world fall apart?"
"Where am I?!" I scream out again.
Satan goes, "We're in your heart. Where I've been warmly...Welcomed..."
God says, "No, Satan! You've taken control of my daughter's life, and I would like to have it back."
Satan tells me, "Look at the blade on that knife you're holding. I bet it will feel cool on your skin."
As I went to touch the blade to my skin, a loud clap of thunder shook the foundation of my heart.
I looked up and saw the battle that begun.
I dropped the blade in amazement. God noticed that.
He grabs the blade.
He stabs it into Satan.
Then, I felt free.
My heart turned white as snow again.
God stood there, VICTORIOUSLY.
Tears stream down my face as I run into His loving embrace.
He wraps me in His arms.
He says, "I love you, daughter. I'm not ever going to leave you. Your heart will forever belong to me."
I simply reply, "Thank You."
Then, I wake up.
It was a dream, but it actually happened inside of my heart.
God saved me.
He rescued me.
He calls me daughter.
I call Him, Daddy.
I pray.
I pray a prayer of gratitude.
God, I thank You.
You healed my broken heart.
You put the pieces back together.
I love You.

Keeping My Cool

Somewhere in the Bible it mentions “in your anger, do not sin.”

That’s really hard.

Like, you wanna say stuff to defend yourself…

…But you don’t because you know you will only be adding gasoline to the fire.

I’m shaking with frustration…

…I am dying to say something back.

It’s just not worth it though.

It’s hard to not ‘sin in my anger.’

By sin, I mean say things that aren't Christ-like.

*breathe in*

*breathe out*  

Everything’s gonna be okay.

I will be okay.

The situation will subside.

I hope so anyways.

I can only stay calm and have strength.

I may feel like blowing my top right now, but I’m not going to.

This is only a test of faith and friendship.

Yes, it’s really starting to get old.

Yes, I have an argument for the situation.

But, I’m keeping to myself.

And, I’m gonna let it pass.

Whatever happens will happen.

I will keep my cool.

I will not blow up.

This is not a big deal, really.

Every little thing, is gonna be alright. 

Reality Check

I used to always complain about all of the so-called ‘Christians’ that were only ‘Christians’ when it was convenient for them.

I would always complain about how they were hypocrites and made other true Christians look bad.

I complained about how I wish that they would make a choice between what lifestyle they want.  

Well, sad reality hit me.

I am one of those people now.

I am a hypocrite.

I am a so-called “convenient-Christian.”

I saw one tweet tonight that my youth pastor posted.

I knew it was about me the second that I read it.

Conviction hit me like a ton of bricks.

So, the question I need to ask myself is as simple as this: What choice am I going to make?

I wish it was an easy answer, but honestly, I have got to sit and think and pray.

I need to make up my mind because I can’t be living a double life anymore.

It needs to be one life, and I sure do hope that I make the right choice.

Reality hurts.

But, this reality check…

…Is what I needed. 

Forgive and Forget

It’s hard to forgive.

Even harder to forget.

Why can’t I do it?

God forgave me, a dirty sinner.

If He could forgive a person like me, why can’t I forgive people?

I make it difficult, that’s why.

I hang on to the past.

I dwell on what used to be.

I need to let go of it.

Let God handle it.

I need to forgive.

I need to forget.

But, I just can’t make myself do it.

I just can’t look forward to a better future.

I’m stuck in the p-a-s-t….

….When it’s just as easy to spell f-u-t-u-r-e.

I call myself a Christian, though.

And, Christians forgive, right?

Do they really, though?

Or, are they going through the motions kinda like I am?

That’s it!

I’m going through the motions.

That’s why I can’t forgive.

That’s why I can’t forget.

Maybe if I suck it up and just surrender it all to God, then I can actually be a follower of Christ.

I should stop being a hypocrite.

I need to just give it all up.

I need to just wake up!

Just a thought for myself, here.

If I start to forgive and forget, then maybe, just maybe….

….I can keep my focus on God.

Such a simple, yet complicated concept.

Forgive.

Forget.

Trust God. 

In Need Of A Change

I’m tired.

Tired of Satan messing with my mind to the point where I don’t wanna even live anymore.

I feel as though I’m just stuck.

I’m stuck in the world.

I want out.

Why can’t I get out?

I can’t handle it.

I just can’t.

I’m just about done.

I want to give up.

But……..there’s still a spark of hope…..

It’s there.

I’m reaching for it.

I am desperate for it.

I feel like I need to suck it up.

But, that’s not the case.

I need to surrender it up.

That is the issue here I’m thinking.

Just when God gets a grip on me, I fight Him.

Why can’t I stop fighting Him?!

Why can’t I wrap my stupid little human mind around the fact that I am feeling like I’m nothing because of the fact that I am fighting God?!

It’s only two people’s fault.

Mine.

And, Satan’s.

My fault for letting Satan in.

Satan’s fault for being an evil creature.

I can see God’s light in the distance.

But, it’s slowing fading.

I reach out.

I don’t want it to fade away anymore.

I want God.

I need God.

I’m tired of living a lie.

I’m tired of living for Satan.

I want to change.

I need to change.

Change is the only thing that can fix me right now.

GOD is the only thing that can.

I WILL make that change.

I will stop holding back.

God, please enter my heart.

God, please change me.

God, please, oh please….  have mercy on me.  

"I know these things will change. Can you feel it now?! Those walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down. It's a revolution. The time will come for us to finally win. And, we'll sing Hallelujah. Tonight we'll change, get on our knees. Fight what we worked for all these years. And, the battle was long it's the fight of our lives. But, we'll stand up. Champions tonight."

TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGHT THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE IN MY LIFE............... !!!!

I'm Yours

Dear God,

I need You.

I need You to soften my heart.

Please break me apart.

Make me whole again.

I have lost sight of You.   

I am slipping away.

To Satan, it’s just a game.

A game of tug-a-war.

And, I’m the rope.

But, God, it’s exhausting.

It’s tearing my life apart.

I’m trying to find You again.

But, there’s a big dark shadow in the way.

It’s sin.

God, my sin is taking control of me.

I’m letting it.

It’s just so hard to let go.

God, I’m trying to hold on to Your hands.

But, I’m losing my grip.

God, You are greather than this battle.

I am a conquerer with You.

Through all of this.

Through all of everything.

I find myself almost facing almos the opposite direction.

Facing the dark side.

Honestly, God, I know You gave me free will.

And, I want to pick You.

So, why can’t I?!

Is it really my sin that’s holding me back?!

Or, am I, myself, holding myself back?!  

Is it just my stupid human mind?!

God, help me to grasp onto You.

I’m crying out from my soul. I’m crawling back to lay everything down at the cross.

I love You, God.

I know You.

I believe in You.

I fear You.

I worship You.

I give You glory.

I give You praise.

I’m running back into Your arms.

I’m giving it all to go Your way.

God, I just need You.

I just miss You.

I see Your face.

It’s beautiful.

I don’t ever wanna turn away.

Lord, I thank You.

I thank You for grace and forgiveness.

I am Yours.



Patience and Silence

Patience

What is it?!

Silence.

Does that exist?! 

The world doesn't slow down.

It doesn't wait for you.

Do you have to slow down?!

Do you have to wait on the world?!

Sometimes, everything goes too fast and never stops.

You feel lost in the crowd.

You feel like you're screaming, but no one can hear you.

You're just itching for something.

You pray for patience.

You pray for silence.

But, you don't think God can hear you either.

You say to yourself, "He's got bigger and better things to do." 

But, that's not true.

You are a child of God.

You know you are.

But, your heart just isn't in it anymore.

You feel like it's too late.

All hope is lost.

God is crying for your soul.

He's reaching out His hand.

You don't hear Him.

You push Him away.

In walks Satan.

A smirk on his face.

He puts the idea in your head.

God is trying to talk you out of it.

But, you are deaf.

You pay Him no attention.

Satan....he caught your attention.

Satan....he puts the temptation in front of your face.

God....He's begging for your attention.

God....He's trying to grab you away from the temptation.

But, you are oblivious to His presence.

The blade....it sits there....taunting you.

You try to resist it.

But, Satan took on full control of you.

God fights him.

But, your closed heart chose Satan.

Stupid, choice.

The blade....you grab it....you hold it in place.

You close your eyes.

And, you cut.

Satan....he pushes your hand to go deeper.

And, deeper.

And, deeper.

He promises to give you silence.

But, God tries one more time to tell you that He will give you patience first and then the silence will come.

You let God in.

You drop the blade.

You grab your wrist, wincing in pain.

You cry out, "God! Please forgive me!"

And, He hears you.

Silence.

It's finally quiet in your soul.

Patience.

God gives it to you.

Patience that the battle will end soon.

More silence.

As tears flood from your eyes, you realize that even though you felt unheard and alone, God was with you.

He heard you.

You finally have patience.

You finally have silence.

   

The Dance

“Looking back.

On the memories of.

The dance we shared.

Beneath the stars above.

For a moment.

All the world was right.

How could I have known?!

That you’d ever say goodbye.

And I’m, I’m glad I didn’t know.

The way it all would end.

The way it all would go.

Our lives, are better left to chance .

I could’ve missed the pain.

But, I’d have had to miss the dance.”    

The name of that song is The Dance by: Garth Brooks.

If you haven’t heard that song, you should look it up.

It’s one of the songs that was played at my great-grandpa’s viewing two years ago.

I sat there at the viewing listening to the song, but I didn’t listen to the meaning of the words.

I wasn’t a Christian then.

Now, at my aunt’s viewing last week, I decided to listen to the song, but not just the song.

To the words.

It finally occurred to me that life is a dance.

A dance that we all move and groove to.

The dance that all one day will come to an end for all of us.

Which brings me to ask you this question.

Where will you go when your dance is finished?!

The two options are as simple as this.

Heaven.

Or hell.

You may not think that the choice is yours.

But, it is.

It is totally, 100%, up to you.

If you really think about it, it’s an easy choice, just not an easy journey.

I chose to go to Heaven.

By giving my life to God, that will be my reward in the future.

But, sadly, there are some people who choose hell.

I don’t understand that though.

I mean, who would want to spend eternity away from God while burning in a lake of fire?!

Just doesn’t make sense to me.

Whereas, the wise people who choose Jesus.

We will spend eternity having a hallelujah party while praising God 24/7.

Yeah.

I’m going to stick with the choice that I made.

Now, what choice will YOU make?!

Or, what choice have you already made?!

Think wisely.

And, think about how you wish to spend the rest of your eternity.

Hmmm…. Eternity.

That’s a long time.

Just think on that.

And, if you don’t think wisely….

You’ll be spending a lot of time ‘sweating’ the decision that you made.

Get Outta Here, Satan....

I hate feeling like this.
I know I feel liked blaming God.
But, it's not His fault.
This is all Satan.
Satan, you sir, need to just back off right now in Jesus' name.
I'm tired of your games.
I'm tired of you tempting me.
I'm done with the lies you whisper to me.
You tell me I'm worthless.
God tells me I'm NOT worthless.
You tell me that I'm nothing.
God tells me that I'm something, something that He died on the cross for.
Get lost Satan, get behind me.
Guess what, dude?!
God is in control.
He has all authority over this.
You have nothing.
So, just get lost, okay?!
You're not wanted here.
Stop trying to make my life hell.
You tell me I'm alone.
God tells me that He's right here beside me holding my hand.
You tell me no one cares.
God tells me that HE cares.
What you say doesn't affect me anymore, Satan.
You are nothing.
You are worthless.
You are alone.
No one cares for you.
Don't you get it?!
God wants you to go away and leave me alone.
I want you to go away and leave me alone.
When will you get the hint?!
God is risen.
God is everything.
He loves me.
You don't.
So, stop.
God, thank You for being my Savior.
Thank You for coming to my rescue.

A Poem

Darkness.
No amount of darkness can hide a spark of light, they say.
I don't understand that at times.
Should I go farther into the subject, I think I may.
This may be kinda random because I'm not all that good at the rhymes.
When I look into my heart, I see nothing but darkness.
I see nothing except an empty black hole.
Nothing is there to produce the spark of light.
Or, so I think.
God's the light, but He's not just a spark.
I have Him in my heart, but my dark sin is covering Him up.
I'm sick and tired of the dirt of my sin.
All I have to do is ask.
I have to ask God to re-wash it to be as white as snow.
My heart can't handle the sin.
God's hands can.
So, I say I will give it all to Him.
But, do I do it?
Do I just say it?
I try to do it.
I try not to just say it.
Repent. Repent. Repent.
It's what I hear every Sunday.
I hear it. I hear it. I hear it.
But, that just isn't good enough.
I need to do it.
Easier said than done.
Turn away from sin, even though it's fun.
I don't mean I enjoy to sin.
But, that's the devil's point.
He wants us to enjoy it.
To have fun.
Well, here's the thing Satan, I'm done.
No more sin, no more of your fun.
I'm giving it all to God.
My heart is His, and certainly not yours.
I know this won't be easy.
But, you know what?
I can.
I will.
I surrender.
God, I'm Yours.

Wake Up Call.

At my church today, my pastor's sermon was titled, "Wake Up!!" And, it truly was a wake up call for me. That I need to wake up spiritually and I need to wake up my heart. My problem now, though, is that fear's got a grip on my heart and it's holding me captive. Fear of.... not being accepted by God. Well, I know that God will accept me. He already has. I just haven't realized that yet. I need to not live in fear. Especially this fear.... It's what's causing me to be dead in my relationship with God.

This brings me to another wake up call: Forgiveness. I need to be forgiving some people and asking some people to forgive me. If I forgive others, God will forgive me. And, I need that. I need his forgiveness and grace. His grace is suffiecient. So, I know that his forgiveness must be too. God has always been faithful to me. I need to commit to him and start forgiving.

Yet, another wake up call that came from today's sermon: Obedience. I need to obey God. Fully. 100% of the time. No exceptions/excuses. God wants us to be obedient to him. What God wants, God's gonna get. That's how I see it. He wants my obedience. I'm gonna try with all my might to obey him, then. I need to not redefine what obedience looks like. It is what it is.

Dear God, Please help me to take these wake up calls that you have convicted me with and apply them to my life. Help me to know the right direction to go. Keep me on the path that you want me to be on. Help me. Help me to grow closer to you and never turn back. Let me give my all to you after learning what I did today. I need you God.

I Need You Jesus.

Dear God, "I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue." I DO need you Jesus. I need you, a lot. I'm not at a good place in my life. And, I'm ready for you to turn that around. Please.... I am DONE letting myself feel this way. Satan needs to back off right about now. This feeling.... This deadness.... Is bringing me down. I can't take it anymore. This habit that the feeling makes me do, is not good. I want more than anything to be done with it. Only You, God, can bring me out of this dark hole that it's brought me into. I have faith in you. I just know that you will bring me out of this. I believe it with all of my heart. It's just gotta happen in your own time though. All in your time, God........ Amen!!

Psalm 22:11 says, "Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help." This seems like something I should be crying out to God. He is there I don't even realize it half of the time. There truly is no one who can help me but God. And, this verse informs me of that. It was a real eye opener. For real, though. I need to not be so far from God because, truth is, it wouldn't be safe. I need to be staying close to him. My life would be even more of a disaster than it already is if I ventured away from God.

I mean, I say all of this and I say it from my heart.... But, I really wanna do more than to just say it. I want to live it. And, it is definitely easier said than done and I wish that that wasn't the case. I wish it was easy. It would be great if it was easy. One thing's for sure though.... I need to get my priorities straight and call on Jesus. That is that. He's here. My heart is his. I just.... can't give myself the extra push that I need. I know he's so close though. I can just feel it.

Surrender

It's always hard for me to surrender my all to God. He wants me to, so why can't I?! I sing songs on Sundays about it, but I never truly do it. Feeling so spiritually dead like I do is making it hard for me to just surrender. I just need to let go and let God. What's my problem?! I need to start trusting God and surrender all, then I most likely wouldn't feel like this anymore.

There is a song called "The Stand" that makes me think about all of that stuff. A part says, "I'll stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered. All I am is yours." That part of the song stands out to me the most. I sing this song all the time. But, do I truly mean it?! Do I sing it from my heart, or do I focus on singing the correct notes?! Well, I really should focus on singing it from my heart and singing it straight to God as my prayer to him. I should mean the words that I'm singing and just surrender my soul to God and only be his. I just wanna surrender.

I say this, but am I gonna go live it? Truth is, I'm gonna try my very best to. I really am going to try. I'm not just saying that either. If I don't try, I'm gonna feel more spiritually dead than I already do.

When I struggle with wanting to surrender, I ask God to come to my rescue. Here's a song that I listen to when I feel like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXAN3l8jQDg

Dear God, Please, I ask you to come to my rescue. I'm struggling, God. I wanna surrender everything to you. I feel so very dead inside and I just want that feeling to go away, God. Please rescue me from these feelings of darkness and hopelessness. Don't let me or anyone else feel lost anymore. God, I ask that you would come to our rescue.

That Empty Feeling.

Well, yeah. Here lately, I've felt nothing but empty inside. I yearn for God but yet I find myself doing the same old routine and stuff. Me doing what I do, pulls me far from God. It hurts.... I don't really know what to do about it anymore. I try to change. I really do. This empty feeling just keeps holding me back.... I feel mega conviction all the time. What do I do with it?! I push it aside, like a dummy. It scares me. I don't know why. I try. I kind of just want to surrender all to God. Ya know, let go and let God. Easier said than done. I promise. I want to change. I need to change. This empty feeling that's inside of me.... I long to get rid of it. I just always hold myself back. I'm scared of getting hurt. God will never hurt me though. Satan really needs to back off. This is seriously weighing me down. It's messing with my anxiety and among other things it is messing with.

Then a song comes to mind that I need to live by. That I need to push myself to live by. It's called Come As You Are by: Pocketful of Rocks. "He's not mad at you. He's not disappointed. His grace is greater still. Than all of your wrong choices.... You can come as you are. With all your broken pieces. And all your shameful scars. The pain you hold in your heart. Bring it all to Jesus. You can come as you are." It means so much. I need to come to him. I need his rescue and forgiveness.

Dear God, Please help me out. I know that you're still there. Please don't let me forget it. I need you, Jesus, to come to my rescue. I can't go on any longer without you. I know that I already accepted you into my heart last May. I need a little bit of a reminder. I'm falling back. Please catch me under your wing. Don't let me leave. Stay with me, God.

I'm running to your arms........ I'm running to your arms......... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRBQtIEEkrU&feature=endscreen&NR=1