The Best Revenge

Living a good life is really the best revenge. Once they can acknowledge that they cannot ruin your happiness, they lose their power.

The best revenge is not wallowing in self pity or or lashing out at the person who hurt or broke you. That will only end up hurting you more than it will the others.

Work on yourself instead of focusing on what you don't have or what someone else does have. Work on your future instead of lingering around your past. Work on your heart instead of trying to hurt somebody else's. 

People will literally hate to see you so happy, but don't let it make you fall down. Stand strong in your happiness and laugh off all of the haters.

Stop letting the people who hurt you long ago, or even recently, dictate your life. Stop letting the people who betrayed you or talked about you behind your back ruin your future.

You run your life, and you run your future. So, stop letting the past run you.

Turn your life into something that you'll always be proud of. Turn your life into someone that you can also be proud of. Focus on the light that you bring to your own life. Focus on what makes your heart beat faster... on what makes your smile beam brighter.

Focus on the people that make life a little shinier. Focus on the people that make you laugh so hard that you can hardly breathe.

Stop letting toxic people back into your life. Let go of what you should've let go of a long time ago.

People may see you fall sometimes, but guess what... they will also see you get back up again.

Be happy. Go and life your life without regrets... without the what ifs... without the could haves. Just go live. THAT is the best revenge.

Live the life you want to live, and everything will fall into place.

Positive Mind, Happy Life

There comes a time in your life when you have to clean house. By clean house I mean that you have to get rid of any and all negative things and people.

When you're trying with all of your might to better your own life, you cannot let the negativity of others bring you down anymore. You deserve more; you deserve BETTER.

Remember: You can control how you feel. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I know that it can be really difficult to think about that quote whenever you're getting picked on or having a really rough day or when you're around the most negative Nancy in the entire world. But, we always always always have the option to choose the mindset that we want to have. No matter what anyone else says or does, how they treat us or make us feel, we have the power to choose the way we look at situations... but not only that, how we react to them.

Value your own thoughts and emotions. The more that you do that, the less someone else can control and manipulate you to feel a certain way. For me, the older I get and the more I learn about life, the more confident I feel. It's helped me to stop worrying about what other people say, think, or do. I mean, yeah... to some extent I care, but I try not to make it my main focus. I try to keep my main focus on the opinions and thoughts and words of the positive role models and friends in my life. I will rely on those that have a positive effect and try to block out the ones that bring nothing but negativity.

Limit your interactions when possible. You have to do whatever you can to limit your interactions with the people that don't bring you happiness and positivity. Often, there are functions and events that you don't even really have to go to. Avoid those whenever possible. But, if there are things that you need to be at, just make sure to face it head on with a positive attitude.

Worry only about yourself and what you're doing. When it comes down to it, the only person you have to worry about it you (and your children of course!!!!! But you get what I'm saying.) You don't have to worry about the what the negative people are up to or what they're out there doing. You have to be happy with yourself. You absolutely cannot waste time worrying about them or letting them bring you down. No matter how much you might care about those people in your life, the only person you can really control is yourself. So, when faced with negative people, focus on what you can do to make your experience better. You cannot worry about them, because no matter how much you might want to, you might not be able to change their attitudes. Instead, focus on yourself.

Make the choice to be positive. Even though it may seem hard at times, positivity is always an option. You can choose to let others bring you down, or you can choose to bring yourself up. Every time you're with a negative person, you have the choice to view them in a positive light. It won't be easy, but it's always an option.

As anyone who's been in a situation where they are trying their very hardest to stay positive in their lives while others are being negative, you know how hard it actually is to not be dragged down into their pool of negativity. Just know that you are not alone. It is hard to stay positive, but it is so totally worth it and is extremely rewarding. Just keep fighting the good fight. Keep a smile on your face, and throw kindness around like it's confetti. :) 

To My Daughter

Arial Rose McComas,

Next month, you will be one year old. I cannot believe it. It seems like just yesterday is when I had you. Time flies by so fast. 

You are the sweetest gift that I have ever received. I adore you.

You are a bright young thing. The whole world is in front of you. Take things as they come and you will weather well.

Go everywhere. Be brave and strong and free.

Keep your eyes, ears, and heart wide open. Look for the goodness all around you. You are surrounded by a crowd of people who love you.

When you feel small in a great big world, be still. Think of your beautiful roots. They are deep and true and will allow you to stretch far.

So, as you grow up and go into the world, let your little light shine big.

Always remember that you are loved and you are a blessing.

You are the littlest one that ever stole my heart.

The moment I laid my eyes on you and looked into yours, I knew that my world had changed for the better.

 I always look at your little face and wonder where life is going to take you.

I have so many big dreams for you and the woman that you will become.

I pray that God will guide me as I guide you.

I love you with all of my heart, to heaven and back infinity times.

A Prepared Place Called Desperation

“And said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the Lord, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice.” 

Jonah 2:2 KJV

Today, I heard one of the most powerful messages that my pastor has ever preached. It was titled, “A Prepared Place Called Desperation.” 

God will do whatever He feels necessary to get your attention. I’ve learned that a lot in the past year. 

He will do whatever it takes and He will not stop until you find yourself in a place of desperation, crying out to Him. 

What you may think is one of the hardest and darkest things you’ve ever been through, could really be God preparing you a place. 

Once you get to that place, don’t be afraid to cry out to Him 

Push. 

Pray until something happens. 

He brought you to that place so you could seek Him. 

He wants you. 

No matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been... He wants YOU.   

When it’s time for you to stop running, He will pull you to a place of desperation. 

When you get there, take your running shoes off. 

You have to realize that you can’t keep running. 

The more you run, the worse it’s gonna get. 

The conviction will get heavier. 

And, conviction can hurt sometimes. 

I can’t stress it enough. 

Stop running. 

Cry out from the belly of hell; the pit that you’re in. 

Cry out to Him. 

When your life is slipping away, remember God. Remember that you can call out His Name. 

Let Him help you. 

Come home to Him. 

He is waiting with arms wide open. 

Cheers To 23 And The New Me

This month, I turn 23 years old. I’ve been through a lot for my age. A lot more than most people my age may go through. 

It’s for sure been the roughest yet best year of my life. I know that combination doesn’t really make sense to you, but it does to me. 

Around this time last year, things stared going downhill, but I kept it hidden really really well. 

My pregnant self and my husband were in California because that’s where he’s stationed at. So, being away from my family and friends was already pretty awful for me. I was so lonely. I cried almost every single night. 

One day in August, my husband told me that he needed to talk to me. So, we sat down on our futon in our living room. He told me that he wanted to get a divorce. He said he didn’t love me anymore. 

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I was completely shattered because even though he didn’t love me, my love for him was overflowing. 

I kept that secret hidden from literally every single person in my life. All except for one... my best friend, let’s say her name is Jo. 

Now, Jo was my person. So, I relied on her to be there for me through this rough time in my life... and I mean, she was. 

UNTIL.   

Come November, about two weeks after my daughter was born, Jo came to see all of us in California. I was excited because she was my best friend and I missed her so very much. 

Things were going well, until I figured out that it wasn’t me that she was coming to visit... if my daughter... she was there to visit my husband... the man that I still love to this day... 

Now, I wasn’t aware of this at first. But, slowly, things started to click in my head. 

They kept wanting to leave together to go get food and then they wanted to go to the beach but knew I wouldn’t want to go, so of course I didn’t. 

And, finally when I figured it out, I confronted the both of them... sure enough... 

It was like my whole entire world came crashing down on me. She for sure was not there to visit me. They started “talking” at the end of October, and so this trip was supposed to be when they told me about their “relationship.” 

Well, I completely shut down. I turned off any and all emotions. 

The only person I had right then and there was my daughter. She kept my heart beating. She was the reason I survived all of this. 

So, in December, my daughter and I moved back home to Indiana. 

It was so rough in that airport saying goodbye to the man I love and knowing that he wasn’t hurting nearly as much as I was. 

We are still married, by the way. Apparently divorces take forever to finalize. 

But, anyways. 

Fast forward to now.... my beautiful daughter is almost 9 months old. I’m about to be 23, and I’m finally happy... content... joyful, again. 

I’m back at my home church. I have two jobs. My daughter and I have our very own home. And, life is good. We are BLESSED. 

Everything is finally how it’s supposed to be. Sure, I have days where I miss my husband, but shoot..... that’s okay. 

I am strong. 

I am a SURVIVOR. 

So, here’s to a good year!! Let’s do this, 23!! 

This picture is from December 2017. 

This one is from July 2018. The story is in my eyes. :) 

Love Is Painful

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. 

Your mind knows exactly what’s happening, but your heart is ignoring it. 

Sometimes you can love somebody with all of your heart and at the same time, not want them back. 

You continue to love them, despite everything that’s happened and the pain they’ve caused you, but you realize that even if you did want them back, nothing would ever be the same again. 

You’ve been hurt so many times now that you’d rather break your own heart by missing them instead of giving them the opportunity to do it again. 

You had me at a point where I would’ve left the entire world behind for you. 

In a way, I kind of did. 

But, that just wasn’t enough for you. 

Nothing was ever enough. 

You broke down my walls, but then broke me as well. 

And, that was so easy for you to do. 

I’ve tried to hate you, but I just can’t do it. But, loving you hurts me more than hating you. 

You’re going to be in my life still, and that makes everything just that much harder. 

I’m not even sure what hurts worse - the shock of what happened or the pain of what never will. 

But, you know you really love someone when you can’t hate them for breaking your heart. 

I blame myself more than I blame you, and that just really doesn’t make any sense. 

I gave you my everything and did all that I could do to keep you. 

So, after me saying all of this.... would I really not take you back? 

I don’t even know. 

I love you so much that it is painful. 

But you are worth the pain in a weird way. 

I would give anything for the chance to have you love me again. 

Expect It. Believe It.

No matter how deep your issue is... 

No matter how much you have struggled with it... 

The possibility exists for you to become absolutely free, whole, and healed. 

Speak to your mountain and tell it to move. 

Cry out from the valley, and God will help you find your way out of it. 

The enemies in the past, you will no longer see. 

Everything that is holding you captive... Those chains will be broken. 

God’s favor is being released in a new way. 

It will propel you forward. 

What you think is going to take you a lifetime, God can make happen in a split second. 

Have FAITH. 

Believe that He WILL. 

God will give you strength when you feel like you can’t move on. 

He will give you joy when you feel discouraged. 

He will make a way when it feels impossible. 

God is going to do something amazing in your life. 

He is going to move you from the back of the line to the front. 

He is going to move your resume from the bottom of the pile to the top. 

He is going to heal your mind... 

Heal your body... 

Heal your relationships... 

God is not finished with you. 

Promises you’ve been standing on, dreams you’ve been praying about... 

God’s going to make things fall into place. 

Expect Him to move. 

Pray for rain? 

You better have your umbrella ready! 

Expect it. 

Believe it. 

Have faith. 

KNOW THAT He is God and you are not. 

Closure

I sense that I am slowly letting go... that I’m growing less in love with him every single day. 

I think that’s the most difficult thing about losing someone you’ve loved... the way you feel, never really dies all at once. 

All you can do is wait and watch it fade away one day at a time. 

You will have days where you feel better. 

You will have days where all you want to do is cry. 

Both are okay. 

There’s no magical cure. 

You just need to close your eyes, and trust that the waves will pass and soon you’ll be able to breathe again. 

I know it’s not easy. 

I know it hurts. 

You’re sitting there overthinking, a million and one questions are running through your head. 

Unable to sleep, creating different scenarios in your mind, while making a mental list of regrets... 

But, you can’t keep blaming yourself for someone else’s inability to provide the type of love you deserve. 

Tonight is just like any other night. 

It’s difficult, but you’ll do what you’ve always done. 

You’ll get over it. 

You’ll get through it. 

You’ll be fine. 

You’ll get closure. 

But, my closure didn’t come from him... 

My closure came from knowing deep in the middle of my heart that I did everything I could... 

That I went above and beyond for that man. 

I more than compromised. 

I became a whole entire new person just to accommodate him. 

AND IT STILL WASN’T ENOUGH. 

My closure didn’t come from him, no. 

My closure came from realizing that everyone isn’t for everyone. 

Him and I just weren’t for each other. 

God Is....

"The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see."   

Faith is what keeps me going.
Like my pastor said on Sunday, it's not saying that God can, it's knowing that God WILL.

If I didn't have any faith in God, I would not be in such a good place right now.
My faith in Him alone is the reason that I know everything is going to be okay.

Even though I may be going through a storm right now, He is the anchor that holds me steady. 

Every single situation is taken care of already.
He knows the outcome.
It's in His hands.

He tells us not to worry and to cast our cares upon Him.
I have done that with this entire situation, and it's crazy the peace that I feel because of it.

If you know me, you know that I am a worrier and that I rarely feel at peace when going through things.
But, this time it's different.

God is a game changer... a way maker... a chain breaker...
He is in control.
I'm finally letting go and letting His hands take over. 
He's got this.

I have literally nothing to worry about.

He is so good.
He is never going to leave.
He is not going to walk away.

He is going to see me through.
He is going to provide.
He is going to conquer all.

He has proven to me over and over again and in so many ways that He has this.
He has spoken through people on so many different occasions.   
He is like, "Jewell.... I HAVE GOT THIS. I HAVE GOT YOU AND ARIAL."

Clear as day.
He has made it so very clear.

I trust Him completely to get me and my girl through this.

I KNOW that I have nothing to worry about.

God is in complete control.... It is all in His hands.

I have come to a point in my life where trusting Him is the only option that I have left. 
If I place my trust in things of the world, I am going to crash and burn.
If I keep my trust in God, He will prosper me.

That's His plan for us.... to prosper, not to harm.   

I just can't put into words how peaceful I feel.
I have never trusted Him as much as I do right now in this moment.

God is faithful.
God is wonderful.
God is trustworthy.
God is GOOD.

 

Grey's Anatomy: Personal Jesus (Episode Rant)

Okay, so it's time for me to do a little bit of ranting for a minute.

I absolutely am obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. I feel like I would love the opportunity to share some of my ideas and theories with Shonda Rimes. I have so many things that I would do. But, I wouldn't want to change the genius mind behind it.

To begin with.... April Kepner.... I am at a loss for words after last week's episode. Now, I understand that people's faith gets tested and what not, but the way that Shonda went about this.... sheesh.... I love April and her story. Her entire story is absolutely beautiful. After the loss of her first baby, she had an adorable little daughter. Yay for her. Anyways, through all of the stuff that she had been through and all of the death that she has seen, she has remained faithful to God and relied on Him and turned to Him. Then, all of the sudden in this new episode, three people die, and it send April completely off  of the deep end. Like, I literally could not believe what I was watching. The episode ended with her doing the commentary and her saying, "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" 

What I would love to see happen is for her to find herself in God again and gain her faith back. But, something tells me that that is not what is going to happen at all. Here is what I think is going to happen.... I think that April is going to end up becoming an alcoholic. I don't want that to happen at all, but it's just a guess. I think that she is going to spiral completely out of control and come to work drunk one day and end up getting fired. I think that's how Shonda is going to write her off of the show; with her checking into a rehab or something. Now, I really super hope that I am wrong, but Shonda's got a twisted and sick sense of humor, so I think that something like what I said is going to happen. Obviously, not exactly like I predicted, but somewhat similar. Although, what I really want is for April to end up with Owen and having a baby with him. That would literally make me so happy, but I sadly don't think that's going to happen at all.

Another thing in last week's episode that got to me is the story of Jo Wilson. I cannot believe that the story of her ex-husband returning, ended so suddenly. I mean, I am extremely glad that Paul got what he deserved, but I feel like it could've went on for another episode or two. He honestly deserved to rot in prison for everything that he put Jo and his new fiance through. But, in the end I was at least happy that they donated all of his organs. So, even though he lived a cruel life, he did a good deed through his death.

Time to rant some more. I swear that if Jackson and Maggie end up together for some reason, I will literally have an actual brain anurism. They are 100% not meant to be together whatsoever. I mean, if April doesn't end up with Owen, she deserves to have Jackson back. Ugh. I feel like I think that this show is happening in real life or something. Lol. But, really though. Jackson and Maggie. No. For the love of everything, please no.

I think that's all for now. I hope that this week's episode doesn't blow my mind and make me as angry as last week's. Haha. If it makes my head spin, I am probably going to end up writing about that one, too.

Thank you, Shonda Rimes, for creating the best tv show on the planet, but not so much thank you for making it hurt my heart sometimes. Lol.

Drowning

If someone were to come up to me and ask me how I was doing, I would not know the answer.

I feel a mixture of different emotions.  

It's like a concoction of confusion. 

I feel happy sometimes. 

 I feel sad sometimes. 

 I feel angry sometimes. 

 I feel nothing sometimes.    

All of the things that I'm feeling are starting to take their toll on me. 

I am trying my hardest to be a great mom. 

I am trying my hardest to be a great daughter/grand daughter. 

 I am trying my hardest to be a great friend. 

Yet, I feel like trying my hardest just isn't good enough anymore. 

I feel as though I am a complete waste of space at this point. 

I am drowning in loneliness. 

I am drowning. 

Everything makes me anxious anymore.    

My anxiety is at a peak where it has never been. 

I am also depressed.  

Have you ever been depressed and filled with anxiety all at the same time? 

It is the most over whelming feeling in the entire world.     

I find myself not wanting to do anything except sleep. 

I can't sleep all the time though. 

I have two jobs that I have to go to in order to provide for my daughter and myself. 

I am drowning. 

I am drowning in a pool of rejection and hate.   

I don't want to live my life like this anymore.   

I am trying my best to stay faithful in church. 

I have done pretty well with that so far. 

I am trying my best to rediscover my first love. 

Running back into the arms of Jesus....  

All I ever do anymore is cry about everything. 

I am drowning in my own tears. 

I am drowning. 

Life isn't always going to be this painful. 

The wounds are just still fresh. 

As I drown in my pain, I pray that God would take it all away.... 

I am drowning.................    

I am running out of words to say.

It's becoming harder to realize how I'm really feeling.

I am drowning in a sea of sorrow.

I am drowning and feel like I'm never going to recover from this.

The sea of sorrow that's consuming me has the strongest of waves.

I am drowning.