Trapped

If you miss a step on the stairs and your stomach lurches... It feels like that, but it lasts much, much longer. 

Like when you're in a dream and you're screaming, but you can't make any noise. 

My body thinks something is gravely wrong, but my brain doesn't have a clue what to do about it... So it starts racing to the worst possible conclusions. 

Within an instant, it's halfway between feeling like you'll faint and feeling like yll die. 

Fighting for breath... Feeling like the floor's unstable... Trapped in your own head while floating somewhere outside, looking back at yourself, wondering what you're doing. 

A huge fist grabs ahold of my insides... My heart goes into overdrive... And I go through the motions on autopilot. 

It's not being able to sleep because you said something wrong two years ago and can't stop thinking about it. 

Feeling like you're about to cry when someone points out that you're doing something wrong.  

Anxiety is like a shadow that follows you even when it's dark. It latches itself onto you and doesn't ever let go. It makes you jump to conclusions all the time that something is going to go wrong. It makes you take a small situation, and turn it into something huge. It takes your breath away. 

I can't exactly pin point how long I've been dealing with anxiety, but I can tell you this: I am SICK of it. I want it gone. I'm so tired of fighting the same exact battle everyday. I'm sick of waking up everyday and wondering if I can get through the day without having a panic attack. 

I hate that I constantly feel like I'm about to fall off of a cliff. I hate that my brain is constantly going and going and going. 

I always feel like I bother people. But, in all honesty, I just wanna talk to them so I don't feel alone. If I feel alone, it triggers a panic attack. If I feel too crowded, it triggers a panic attack. 

I am trapped. 

I am trapped inside of this bubble and it feels like there's no way out. 

I am stuck in this pit of constant fear that I'm gonna do something wrong. 

I am trapped... 

20 Years Later, She Finally Chose Jesus

I literally cannot believe that I turn 20 years old in less than a month. It's so hard to believe... Time goes by so fast... 

(This is gonna be a short one, but very important to me.) 

I'm not really sure where to begin. It's been a crazy year of life for me. 

I began my college education and am on the path to becoming and elementary school teacher. So hard to believe.  

I have hurt people, and I have been hurt.

I have lived for God, and I have backslid all in a short amount of time. 

I went from being on fire for God to drinking fireball whiskey instead. 

I went from going to church to going to parties. 

I went from having thoughts about heaven to thoughts about ending my own life. 

I went from living with a wonderful family to living on my own. 

I went from feeling loved to feeling lonely. 

I went from loving God to doubting Him. 

I've done so much in such a small amount of time that I can barely even wrap my mind around it. 

By the grace of God, He got my attention within a few dreams that He gave me. It has helped me to realize where I need to get back to. I'm slowly starting my climb back up the mountain, and I'm slowly starting to trust in Him again. 

If I've learned one thing about life, it's that it is full of choices. Whether or not you make the right choice is all up to you.  Choosing to walk with God is one of the best decisions and toughest decisions you will ever make. So, it's up to you. Choose the right path, or choose the wrong path. As for me, I choose to start down the right path again. I want to get back to where I used to be. I want to make it to heaven someday. I'm done living for the world. I'm done juggling my choices and riding the fence. I. Choose. Jesus. 

“I’m feeling terrible—I couldn’t feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember? When I told my story, you responded; train me well in your deep wisdom. Help me understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders. My sad life’s dilapidated, a falling-down barn; build me up again by your Word. Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. I choose the true road to Somewhere, I post your road signs at every curve and corner. I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me; GOD, don’t let me down! I’ll run the course you lay out for me if you’ll just show me how.”

Psalm 119:25-32 MSG"

The Choice

I had a dream last night that I died. 

It started out with me at a giant house. 

I opened the door, and entered in. 

When I got inside, there was a wide variety of people. Different races. Different religions. Men, women, boys, and girls of all ages... 

But we all had one thing in common... 

We were all dead. 

As I looked around the room, I felt a ton of different emotions. I wasn't exactly sure where I was, but I knew it was a very important place. 

After about 10 minutes of just standing there looking around, a person comes up to me. She said, "Are you ready?" "Ready for what," I asked. "To choose." "Choose what?" "Where you're going next." "Oh, sure." "Great! Follow me!" 

So, I followed her even though I was still unsure of what exactly she meant by "it was time for me to choose." 

After walking down a long hallway, we finally arrive at a door. We walked in. 

The room we entered was huge. It was almost like a giant gymnasium, but I knew that's not what it was. 

"Okay, " the woman said, "Right through this door to your left, you will go to make your choice." 

She pointed me in the direction I needed to go, and as I approached the door, I began to feel nervous. 

I opened the door and walked in. 

The room is unlike any I've ever seen. It's white. Pure white. Like snow. 

The air is chilled and calm. 

I could breathe more clear than I ever had. 

I could see perfectly and my hearing was flawless. 

There were absolutely no problems in that room. 

After standing in there for 5 minutes, I see the door start to open... And who I see come through that door leaves me speechless... 

He was unlike anyone I had ever seen. 

He was perfect. 

He was everything and MORE than I could have ever even guessed He would be. 

I could not believe that Jesus Himself was standing right in front of me. 

He simply said this, "My daughter: you have not been living for me. You have been of the world, and your salvation has not been your main concern. There's so much more that I could say to you, but instead, I'm going to show you...." 

The room went dark. The chilled air became heavy and smoky. It was difficult to breathe regularly. I couldn't even see my hand in front of me. My ears were ringing and it hurt. 

Nothing about this room was good. Nothing. 

I hear the door creak open, and as it opens, I see nothing but fire. I feel nothing but sadness and despair. All I can hear are the screams of the others around me. 

I knew I was getting a sneak peak of Hell. 

Then... I woke up. 

When I woke up, I was sweating and breathing heavily. 

I know what choice it is that I have to make. 

Keep living for the world and go to hell? 

Or, give my life back to Jesus and go to Heaven? 

And that's that...... I have to choose. 

I HAVE to. Right now. 

And, I choose Heaven. 

It's gonna be a long journey, but I know I can do it. 

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. 

Freedom Found Through the Open Door

Exactly one month ago, a friend of mine came up to me at church while I was praying. She said, "I can see you, Jewell. I can see a door, and it's wide open. God is waiting for you to go through that wide open door." 

Exactly one week ago, at a church service that I missed, the guest pastor preached about an open door. He mentioned that miracles were going to take place as people went through that open door. 

It's no coincidence that one month ago, I was prophesied to about that open door. No coincidence at all. 

TONIGHT is the night that I finally let go of fear and walked through the open door. 

Tonight's service started out like any other service would. It instantly started to change, though. As a Holy Ghost fire started to blow through the house, I started to feel major conviction. I got nervous, so I migrated to the back of the room where I thought my nerves would settle down. 

Well, I was about ten thousand percent wrong about that one. 

My big brother, Daniel, came back and started to talk to me. He told me that Jesus wanted me. He told me that it was time to stop being scared and running away. 

Then, Steve, whom was like a father figure for the longest time to me, came up to me. He started to talk to me. He told me that God was ready to heal my mind. He told me that God was waiting for me to make the first move, and that I had to go up for prayer. He told me that it was time to stop running. 

By the time they were both done talking to me, I was sobbing, and I knew that it was finally time to change. 

As I slowly made my way up to the front, I continued to weep. I couldn't stop. 

The hardest part came next: walking up the first step to get prayed for. But, once I made that step, there was no turning back. 

When I got up there, I instantly broke down and could not stop crying. I had no words, and my breathing was irregular. My hands started to get clammy, and I got that feeling in my gut that God was about to move. 

As instantly as I sat down, people who I love and who love me back unconditionally surrounded me and laid hands on me and began to pray for me. More people were whispering in my ear that it was time to stop running. 

Then, the same person who prophesied to me about the open door came over and began to speak to me again. She reminded me of what she told me exactly one month ago. Then, she said that it was time to go through it. So, I did. I began to pray. Loudly. And, when I opened my mouth, God began to move in such a strong way. I began to shake, and as I was crying out to my Jesus, I could feel things leaving me. It was so supernatural and amazing. It's like there were chains literally falling off of me and hitting the ground. Things that were in my mind felt like they actually grew wings and took off out of me. 

I felt depression leave me. 

I felt anxiety leave me. 

I felt the spirit of torment FINALLY leave me. 

I felt the desire and craving for alcohol leave me. 

*whew-I have goosebumps as I'm typing this* 

I felt generational curses leave me. 

I felt the pill addiction leave me. 

I felt the desire to smoke leave me. 

I felt the spirit of loneliness leave me. 

I felt my back pain that I've been having lately leave me. 

I felt my stomach pain leave me. 

Allergies... Desires... Temptations... Cravings... Unholiness... It all left me. 

I felt all of my fear FINALLY leave me. 

EVERYTHING FINALLY LEFT ME. 

I am FREE!!!! 

I found my freedom through the open door. 

Thank You, Jesus for freeing me!!!! 

Unconditional Love

I used to not think that I could be loved in such a way. I used to not think that love even existed... Especially unconditional love. 

Unconditional love is exactly what it says it is. Loving with no conditions. No, "I'll only love you if you're perfect." It's not, "I'll love you, but you have to do this and this and this first." Even if you mess up terribly, it's still there. 

Un. Con. Di. Tion. Al. 

I was told the past 8 months by the most amazing people that they loved me unconditionally. But, I never truly believed them to be honest. I was always doubting them and was scared that I would mess up and they would hate me. I compared them to the rest of the people in my life... People who only loved me when it was convenient for them. 

Big mistake. The fear took complete control of my life. It consumed every aspect of me. I was scared they were gonna make me leave, so I took the liberty of leaving, myself. And, I didn't just leave. I ran. 

I ran 45 minutes away from New Castle to a town called Lynn. I kept a strong face on and made it appear that I was totally okay. Then, when I found out just how hurt those amazing people were, i spiraled into a pit of depression that was so dark that I thought even God hated me. I started smoking (only for like, 2 days because I couldn't breathe and it wasn't working out). I kept going to parties. The first party, I got so completely drunk that I was miserable. And my hangover the next day was killer. The last party I went to, my youth pastor's wife texted me right before I tried to drink, and she stopped me in my tracks. 

Anyways, I kept getting worse and worse. The pain I was feeling became worse and worse and was so unbearable that I couldn't sleep and all I wanted to do was cry and hate myself. I hated myself so much for what I did. The guilt was eating me alive. It was making my head spin like crazy. 

This went on for 3 weeks. 

Then, tonight at church, things finally changed. I was sobbing and praying and asking God, "why?! Why me?! Why do I always mess things up?! I'm sick of hurting!!" 

I felt/heard my dad start to pray with me. And, I completely lost it. He was so desperate in his prayers that I could feel his worry as he spoke to God on my behalf. Then, when he was done praying, he tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned around. He took me in his arms and gave me the realest and most sincere hug that I've ever had. I just cried and cried and couldn't stop. I finally felt the unconditional love that I've been so hungry for my whole entire life. 

I now realize how wrong I was for not believing in unconditional love. It's real. It is SO real. I believe it without a shadow of a doubt. I am so beyond thankful/blessed to finally have that unconditional love in my life and in my heart. 

Thanks so much, Mom & Dad, for loving me unconditionally. ❤️ 

Searching, Scared, & Sorry

I'm searching... 

Trying to find myself in of the wrong places. 

Running from where I need to be to where I thought I wanted to be. 

From a place of spiritual well being to a place that has me picking out my spiritual casket. 

I'm searching... 

Trying to find a way out. 

I find myself picking things back up that I had already laid at the feet of Jesus. 

Stuck in a whirlwind of defeat and guilt and sadness. 

I'm screaming... 

But no one can hear me. 

It's creating a wicked ringing that cannot be silenced. 

It's caused countless nights of no sleep. 

I'm scared... 

That I'm not gonna be able to find a way out of this one. 

I've pushed everyone away. 

And, I'm trapped. 

There seems to be no end in sight. 

I'm struggling... 

Trying to pretend that I'm okay. 

Trying to pretend that I'm the strong one. 

But, I'm far from both of those things. 

It's exhausting to pretend all of the time. 

I'm searching... 

But, I can't find God. 

He's no where in sight.

He's not listening to me. 

He's so disappointed in me. 

I'm sorry... 

I shouldn't have ran away. 

I shouldn't have turned my back on You. 

I shouldn't be mad at You. 

You died for me, and I'm not living for You. 

I'm sorry... 

Victory in the Devil's Playground!

It is completely dark and silent. 

There is nothing happening. 

No light. 

No noise. 

No distractions. 

No reason for me to still be awake. 

The room is so peaceful. 

So chill. 

Yet, my brain doesn't want to shut down. 

It has no off switch. 

It's more active than it even needs to be. 

Even in a room full of nothing, it's searching for something. 

All of my thoughts are dancing around in my head, making all sorts of noise. 

Every word that pops into my brain starts to echo off of one another, creating a loud roar that won't come to an end. 

My head starts to literally ache. 

Then, it begins to spin. 

I close my eyes and try to find an off switch, but I can't find it anywhere. 

There's so much clutter in there. 

So much nonsense that doesn't even matter. 

It's such a mess that I can't even pin point the problem. 

Once it starts, there's absolutely no stopping it. 

It's like the devil has made my brain his playground. 

There's a mixture of so many different things. 

It's as frustrating as trying to listen to 20 different songs at the same time. 

It's not fair. 

I just want my brain to shut up. 

I want to be able to go to sleep peacefully and not wake up a zillion times throughout the night. 

It feels like Wrestle Mania is happening in the depths of my head. 

It's causing so much pain. 

Restlessness. 

Worry. 

Anxiety. 

Torment. 

Exhaustion. 

I've gotten so used to it. 

I've given it control over me. 

Instead of praying it off of me I let it consume me and rule me. 

This constant buzzing and ringing keeping me up at night has got to go. 

I can't take it anymore. 

I am DONE WITH IT!!!! 

I rebuke this devil out of my life in Jesus' Name. 

I'm not going to let this control me for one more second. 

I'm gonna have the victory. 

The enemy is not going to win this round. 

* I wrote this last night, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. I am very happy to say that I had an amazing full night of sleep without interruptions. :) God is so good.