Things Gone Wrong

My life is like a spiral. 

Spinning faster and faster. 

Out of control. 

Or maybe it's like an ocean. 

Chaotic waves crashing all around me. 

A lifeless soul gasping for some air. 

Things are not going right at all. 

It's all wrong. 

Nothing should be going the way it is. 

Why is everything so out of control? 

Why is the darkness closing in? 

Why can't I feel happy anymore? 

I feel like all I do anymore is complain. 

Yet, discuss about victory. 

Up and down... Up and down... 

Like the world's largest roller coaster of emotions. 

Is it a mental thing? 

Physical? 

Spiritual? 

Maybe it's a combination of the three. 

Only God knows. 

If He really is all-knowing and stuff. 

I know He is. 

Yet, I still question everything. 

When it comes to helping others with their faith, I do just fine. 

Why can't I help myself grow, though?! 

All I want is for the questions to go away. 

I want the feeling of fresh faith to come back... And to stay. 

I want to be able to rejoice in my suffering, instead of just talking about it. 

I should feel like I love to pray, instead of feeling like its something I have to do. 

I should long to get ahold of my Bible and read it everyday, instead of forcing myself to crack it open. 

See... It's all so wrong. 

It shouldn't be this way. 

It's not okay. 

There is only one thing that I need to start doing in order to change these things. 

I absolutely have to hit my knees, and pray my little heart out. 

God, 

I am begging you for your mercy. 

I'm crying out to you, oh, abba father. 

My heart is shattered, and only you can put it back together. 

I pray they you would give me a desire for your love, again. 

I can't do this alone, anymore. 

Amen.