There's so much that is on my heart and on my mind tonight. I don't know where to start without just rambling on and on... kind of like I'm doing right now, I guess. I suppose that there is one major thing that is lingering in my noggin. Father's Day.
Father's Day is in eight days. Oh, goody. It is literally one of the hardest days of the year for me. I feel like no matter how hard I try, it always will be. Gosh, I sound so bitter... and, truth be told, I kind of am. It's something I can be working on.
Let me start with the story of my earthly father, and why I am so bitter towards even the word father. Well, when I was just a baby, my father got arrested and sent to prison as a child molester. So, I never knew him, and still don't. I used to think it was normal not to have a dad, because I didn't know it to be any other way. As I grew older, and still continue to grow, I am starting to feel that gap of where a father's love should be. I see TV shows with dads and get emotional. I see movies about dads and get emotional. I see other people having fun with their dads, and I feel a big wide load of jealousy.
Now, don't get me wrong. I know that God, my heavenly Father is the one who is supposed to fill the gap. But, here's the thing. I'm not letting Him. I'm too scared to fully go all in and let him fill that gaping whole. I struggle to call him my heavenly Father, because I associate the word father with nothing good. But, there's that part of me that's saying, "Jewell, come on. Get over it and go for God." But, it's so much easier to say and way harder to do. It's overwhelming almost to think about God being able to fill that gap. To think of me actually being happy.
Also, I want to make it known that I'm not saying there haven't been guys that haven't invested in my life as a fatherly figure. At my old church, the pastor took on a roll as my dad. And, I treasure that he still sort of is that to me. But, it's still not the same, ya know?! He knows how much it meant to me, but he also understands that it will never be the same as having my birth father be my father.
I also have noticed something about this whole situation. It got me too emotionally attached to an older guy. I guess you could say that I had a head over heels crush on him. I did. I thought he was the one. I thought I loved him. But, he saw me as just a friend. And, even though I told myself it was a feeling of love I had towards him, I'm starting to realize more and more each day that it's because he, in a way, took on the roll of what a father could be in my life. Made me laugh. Drove me places. I'm so young, but yet it took a complete drop of contact with him to realize this. Yes, I miss him as a friend like crazy. But, maybe this is for the best.
I want to end this with - if I could write my real earthly father a letter, this is what it would say.
Dear Aaron,
Hey, it's me, MaKayla. Your daughter. I go by Jewell. And, hey, I have your last name. You've never been in my life, but I still love you. It's what I do- I love people. And, I'm truly sorry for any mean thoughts I've had about you, and for the ones that I've verbalized. I'd just like to say that as my life goes on, I can't help but wonder what you are like. You're out of jail, now, so there is a small part of me that wants to me you. I am kinda scared, but it would make me happy.
Your mom has sort of been a part of my life. She always remembers my birthday, and thinks of me on holidays. She's a great person. Every time she sees me, she gives me a big hug. I often wonder if she talks to you about me, or shows you pictures of me.
So, here's the thing. Even though it may be kind of awkward at first, I want to meet you. I want you to be a part of my life. I'm graduating this year. Yep, I'm a senior now. And, it would mean the world to me if you would come to my graduation and to my open house. And, I always picture you walking me down the aisle at my wedding and having a dance with me.
I'm sorry if this is a lot for you to take in, but it's been on my heart for a while, now. I want you in my life, even though there will be some kinks to work out at first. And, my mom won't really approve of it at all. But, hey, if we ever decide to meet, I have an awesome youth pastor who I would ask to tag along, and I hope he'd be willing to come. We may hug, or just shake hands. Or, not even that. But, to actually see you face to face someday will be enough for me.
Thanks for reading this, and I hope that we contact each other very soon.
Love, or sincerely,
MaKayla Jewell Dalton
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