Don't Stop The Madness

Everything in my life right now seems to be overbearing and unnecessary to me right now. I feel like I'm not strong enough to handle it. I feel like it's just never going to stop. It's really incredibly irritating. It's like I can't do anything right. But, I know that's not true. I need to stop telling lies to myself. 

I tell myself that all of this crap is my fault. But, it's not. 
I tell myself that I could have stopped it from happening. But, I couldn't have. 
I tell myself that it's pointless to try to change. But, it's not true. 
I tell myself that I'm too scared. But, my faith is bigger than my fears. 

God tells me that everything is going to be okay. But, I ignore Him. 
God tries to embrace me with arms wide open. But, I push Him away. 
God sends me people and signs to help me out. But, I am purposely oblivious to them. 
God wakes me up everyday to live for Him. But, I don't ever thank Him. 

I'm starting to see a pattern here. It's that I am way too hard on myself. I focus to much on the negative because it is all I've ever known. When I see sparks of positive, I try to shade them out because I am too scared to see it. It's almost as though I'm just too stuck. Too stuck in my own thoughts. And, too stuck in the world. 

I know that God isn't going to force me to do anything that I don't want to do. But, He knows that I want to change. Which is why I always feel His presence so strongly with me. He is with me in my darkest. When I'm weak. When my spirit and emotions are dead. 

What I need to realize is that none of this is happening just because. There is a time and a reason for everything, and God controls it (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I need to realize that all of this has a purpose and it is to make me stronger. To give me a testimony. To give me the pushes that I need to strengthen my faith. To make me stronger in my walk with Jesus. It's not happening just to make me miserable, even though it may seem that way. 

I need to be thanking God for giving me tough battles to make me a tougher soldier. I will be able to make it through. I know I can. If I properly equip myself with God's full armor (Ephesians 6:12), then I can make it through whatever is thrown my way. 

I should embrace the battles, and give them all that I have. I need to stay strong. I should pray more. Worry less. Trust God. Trust God. Trust God. 

"All I hear is what they're selling me
That God is love, he isn't suffering
And what you need's a little faith and prosperity
But, oh my God, I know there's more than this
If you promise pain it can't be meaningless
So make me poor if that's the price for freedomDon't stop the madness
Don't stop the chaos
Don't stop the pain surrounding me
Don't be afraid, Lord, to break my heart
If it brings me down to my knees, yeah."

Short And Simple To My Fathers

Earlier this year, my best friend, Philip, (www.pahannum.blogspot.com) sent me the best message I have ever received. It said, "Then why be all dramatic with this whole not having a dad thing, when you know that GOD replaces that void? I mean, I can only imagine what it is like not to have an earthly father, but the way I see it is that you have the better end of the deal because what you have is an eternal Father who is NEVER going to leave you. He will ALWAYS be there for you when you are having a bad day and when you have problems and issues that need to be dealt with. An earthly father can't make those promises. An earthly father isn't always there. So, yes, you may not have someone to call dad, but what you have is something better: someone to call ABBA FATHER."  

I can easily say that that message impacted me, and every single time I read it, it continues to put a smile on my face. It reminds me that I need to not be so mopey on Father's Day.

So, here's a huge Happy Father's Day to Jesus. My life would be a complete disaster without You. Even though I'm too stuck in the world to know this sometimes, but You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I pray that You would continue to use me in marvelous ways. I can't thank You enough for saving me. You are the rock at the bottom, and the Most High. I praise You.

Also, a Father's Day shout out to PJ. He has sort of taken on a roll as an earthly father to me. He has showed me love and how family is supposed to be. He continues to show me how to live for God with reckless abandon and that, "God is love. Love always wins." Even when I would try to avoid him, he would know what to say to get me to come back. He would pray, and let God work in His timing to help me through so much. He has real and sincere prayers, and is such an amazing man of God. Love ya, PJ.

And, to my real father. I don't know you, but I love you anyways. Happy Father's Day.

This day has been rough, but if it weren't for my best friends Philip, Libby, Ethan, and Jerrod helping me to focus on the positive, it would have been much harder. So blessed to know that I'm never alone.

For Father's Day And My Father

There's so much that is on my heart and on my mind tonight. I don't know where to start without just rambling on and on... kind of like I'm doing right now, I guess. I suppose that there is one major thing that is lingering in my noggin. Father's Day.

Father's Day is in eight days. Oh, goody. It is literally one of the hardest days of the year for me. I feel like no matter how hard I try, it always will be. Gosh, I sound so bitter... and, truth be told, I kind of am. It's something I can be working on.

Let me start with the story of my earthly father, and why I am so bitter towards even the word father. Well, when I was just a baby, my father got arrested and sent to prison as a child molester. So, I never knew him, and still don't. I used to think it was normal not to have a dad, because I didn't know it to be any other way. As I grew older, and still continue to grow, I am starting to feel that gap of where a father's love should be. I see TV shows with dads and get emotional. I see movies about dads and get emotional. I see other people having fun with their dads, and I feel a big wide load of jealousy.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that God, my heavenly Father is the one who is supposed to fill the gap. But, here's the thing. I'm not letting Him. I'm too scared to fully go all in and let him fill that gaping whole. I struggle to call him my heavenly Father, because I associate the word father with nothing good. But, there's that part of me that's saying, "Jewell, come on. Get over it and go for God." But, it's so much easier to say and way harder to do. It's overwhelming almost to think about God being able to fill that gap. To think of me actually being happy.

Also, I want to make it known that I'm not saying there haven't been guys that haven't invested in my life as a fatherly figure. At my old church, the pastor took on a roll as my dad. And, I treasure that he still sort of is that to me. But, it's still not the same, ya know?! He knows how much it meant to me, but he also understands that it will never be the same as having my birth father be my father.

I also have noticed something about this whole situation. It got me too emotionally attached to an older guy. I guess you could say that I had a head over heels crush on him. I did. I thought he was the one. I thought I loved him. But, he saw me as just a friend. And, even though I told myself it was a feeling of love I had towards him, I'm starting to realize more and more each day that it's because he, in a way, took on the roll of what a father could be in my life. Made me laugh. Drove me places. I'm so young, but yet it took a complete drop of contact with him to realize this. Yes, I miss him as a friend like crazy. But, maybe this is for the best.

I want to end this with - if I could write my real earthly father a letter, this is what it would say.
Dear Aaron,
Hey, it's me, MaKayla. Your daughter. I go by Jewell. And, hey, I have your last name. You've never been in my life, but I still love you. It's what I do- I love people. And, I'm truly sorry for any mean thoughts I've had about you, and for the ones that I've verbalized. I'd just like to say that as my life goes on, I can't help but wonder what you are like. You're out of jail, now, so there is a small part of me that wants to me you. I am kinda scared, but it would make me happy.
Your mom has sort of been a part of my life. She always remembers my birthday, and thinks of me on holidays. She's a great person. Every time she sees me, she gives me a big hug. I often wonder if she talks to you about me, or shows you pictures of me.
So, here's the thing. Even though it may be kind of awkward at first, I want to meet you. I want you to be a part of my life. I'm graduating this year. Yep, I'm a senior now. And, it would mean the world to me if you would come to my graduation and to my open house. And, I always picture you walking me down the aisle at my wedding and having a dance with me.
I'm sorry if this is a lot for you to take in, but it's been on my heart for a while, now. I want you in my life, even though there will be some kinks to work out at first. And, my mom won't really approve of it at all. But, hey, if we ever decide to meet, I have an awesome youth pastor who I would ask to tag along, and I hope he'd be willing to come. We may hug, or just shake hands. Or, not even that. But, to actually see you face to face someday will be enough for me.
Thanks for reading this, and I hope that we contact each other very soon.
Love, or sincerely,
MaKayla Jewell Dalton

The Unmasked Girl

So, there's this thing that I wear that seems to be glued to my face. It's called a mask. Every time I go to remove it, a sticky situation comes up, and the mask hardens. I blame my environment, or the people I hang out with. But, truly, I am the only one to blame. 

This mask just so happens to have multiple personalities. The first one, a happy-holy-Christian girl with no problems in the world. That mask is a big one for me. People think it's the real me, but it's fake. It's so obviously fake that some people just don't realize it. They ask me to pray for them, and I say that I will... but I don't always do that... which is not okay. They see how I post about God and talk about Him all the time. But, I only do it because it makes me look strong. And, I'm too scared to show that I am truly just as weak as they appear to be to me. I hang out with people from my youth group. Just to make myself look like they're the good influence kind of friends for me. When, truly, I don't feel like I belong with them in the slightest little bit. 

The second mask, a carefree-hang loose-have tons of fun with my not so Christian friends girl. I pretty much hide God when I'm with them, or talking to them. He rarely comes up. Unless His name is being taken in vain, and I don't defend Him like I should. I love those friends because they are so good to me, but I hate that masked version of myself. Why can't I be the Christian girl who hangs out with them, and doesn't let them influence me?! Don't even get me started on my language when I am with them. Not good. Something to work on. 

The third mask, is the me that I am when I am at home. When I'm at home, I'm pretty much a loner who throws a lonely pity party. It's pathetic. That's all that needs to be said about that version of myself. 

Then, there's the real me. MaKayla Jewell Dalton. Not a whole lot of people have seen or even known the real me. The unmasked girl. Who is that girl?! Let me tell you. I am a girl who is in love with Jesus Christ; more and more each day. But, I struggle to stay so strong in my faith in Him. I battle with myself all of the time. I blame myself for pretty much everything that goes wrong. I am calm, yet jittery. I have anxiety attacks. I want to know what it's like to have a dad, and have a dad's love. I hate Father's Day. I want my relationship with my mom to get better, but just can't wrap my mind around why it doesn't ever improve. I don't have a lot of true friends, but cherish the ones that I do have. I don't say thank you or I love you to people as much as I need to. I have a broken and shattered family, and often dream what it would be like if I could fix it. But, I know that I can't. 

I am an imperfect person, loved by a perfect God. That's the real me. Plain and simple. Twists and turns. In the end, I always learn in every single situation that I need to rely fully on God, and to not let the things of this world get in the way of that. He has such big plans for my future (Jeremiah 29:11), and I am not going to let my masks get in the way of that future, anymore.