When I Pray

When I pray, I feel nothing.
I feel like I'm just talking to air.
I feel like I'm just giving myself false hope, and nothing is ever going to happen.

When I cry, it's not because I'm sad.
It's not because I just feel like it.
I end up feeling empty and exhausted.
I do it because for a small moment, I don't have to hold everything in.

When I think, I do too much of it.
I overdo it, actually.
I start to ponder and debate things that should already be a given.
I start to dount things that I shouldn't.

When I pray, I sometimes feel a tug in my heart to just let myself cry.
I feel like I'm too scared to let go.
I start over thinking like I always do.

When I fight, it's always with myself.
It's literally like a war in my mind that I have no control over.
It's like it doesn't even phase me on the surface.
It's just mentally/emotionally driving me bananas.

When I pray, I question why I am doing it.
It feels pointless to me.
When I start to feel it happening, I shut down.
I don't know why it scares me so much.

When I go through my day, I put on a happy Christian girl mask.
I pretend that I'm not struggling as much as I really am.
I act like absolutely nothing is wrong in my life.
I just sorta talk to God telling myself He's not listening.

Dear God,
I pray that you would help me to find You again.
I find myself searching for myself, but instead of in You, in all of the wrong places.
I want to be able to give You my all.
Please help me, God, and take away the fear that keeps returning to my spirit.
I pray that You would help me to realize that I can't go on another day without You and Your help.
Teach me, God, how to live for You.
Amen.