I wish life was as simple as just snapping your fingers and all of your problems would just disappear.
I wish life was easy enough to just be happy all day for a whole day.
I wish life wasn't full of so many disappointments.
I wish life didn't throw so much crap at so many people all at once.
I wish fights didn't exist.
I wish arguing wasn't real.
I wish love could always be present.
I wish life just wasn't so complicated.
I wish that someday, I would stop only focusing on the negative aspects of things.
I wish that someday, I would stop fighting myself over every little thing.
I wish that someday, I would stop thinking that everything that goes wrong is my fault.
I wish that life would stop slowly going down the toilet for me... I want to get better, soon.
I wish I could find a way to not hate myself so much.
I wish I could find some way to break these chains that have such a tight grip on me.
I wish I could find a way to actually be real to myself and admit that I can't do this alone anymore.
I wish life could find some way to start being worth something.
I wish that I wasn't in such a dead place in my life, faith, and emotions right now.
I wish that I could be free from all of this fear in me.
I wish that I would raise my white flag and hit my knees and cry out to God for help.
I wish that life would just pause and let me collect my thoughts.
I wish my thoughts were positive.
I wish my thoughts were uplifting.
I wish my thoughts would just slow/calm way down.
I wish life would freeze and just be quiet for just a minute.
I wish that I could write a little prayer to put here like I usually do... I've got nothing...
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
When I Pray
When I pray, I feel nothing.
I feel like I'm just talking to air.
I feel like I'm just giving myself false hope, and nothing is ever going to happen.
When I cry, it's not because I'm sad.
It's not because I just feel like it.
I end up feeling empty and exhausted.
I do it because for a small moment, I don't have to hold everything in.
When I think, I do too much of it.
I overdo it, actually.
I start to ponder and debate things that should already be a given.
I start to dount things that I shouldn't.
When I pray, I sometimes feel a tug in my heart to just let myself cry.
I feel like I'm too scared to let go.
I start over thinking like I always do.
When I fight, it's always with myself.
It's literally like a war in my mind that I have no control over.
It's like it doesn't even phase me on the surface.
It's just mentally/emotionally driving me bananas.
When I pray, I question why I am doing it.
It feels pointless to me.
When I start to feel it happening, I shut down.
I don't know why it scares me so much.
When I go through my day, I put on a happy Christian girl mask.
I pretend that I'm not struggling as much as I really am.
I act like absolutely nothing is wrong in my life.
I just sorta talk to God telling myself He's not listening.
Dear God,
I pray that you would help me to find You again.
I find myself searching for myself, but instead of in You, in all of the wrong places.
I want to be able to give You my all.
Please help me, God, and take away the fear that keeps returning to my spirit.
I pray that You would help me to realize that I can't go on another day without You and Your help.
Teach me, God, how to live for You.
Amen.
I feel like I'm just talking to air.
I feel like I'm just giving myself false hope, and nothing is ever going to happen.
When I cry, it's not because I'm sad.
It's not because I just feel like it.
I end up feeling empty and exhausted.
I do it because for a small moment, I don't have to hold everything in.
When I think, I do too much of it.
I overdo it, actually.
I start to ponder and debate things that should already be a given.
I start to dount things that I shouldn't.
When I pray, I sometimes feel a tug in my heart to just let myself cry.
I feel like I'm too scared to let go.
I start over thinking like I always do.
When I fight, it's always with myself.
It's literally like a war in my mind that I have no control over.
It's like it doesn't even phase me on the surface.
It's just mentally/emotionally driving me bananas.
When I pray, I question why I am doing it.
It feels pointless to me.
When I start to feel it happening, I shut down.
I don't know why it scares me so much.
When I go through my day, I put on a happy Christian girl mask.
I pretend that I'm not struggling as much as I really am.
I act like absolutely nothing is wrong in my life.
I just sorta talk to God telling myself He's not listening.
Dear God,
I pray that you would help me to find You again.
I find myself searching for myself, but instead of in You, in all of the wrong places.
I want to be able to give You my all.
Please help me, God, and take away the fear that keeps returning to my spirit.
I pray that You would help me to realize that I can't go on another day without You and Your help.
Teach me, God, how to live for You.
Amen.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
The Decision-Making Process
My life keeps making it very clear that it doesn't like to make decisions. It takes the smallest of things, and turns it into a big mental battle of whether or not I want this or that. The big stuff that I have to make decisions about: I put them off because they drive me absolutely bananas. The thing is though, I'm an adult now. I need to put my big girl pants on, and start thinking about my future, and make some decisions.
School.
With 195 days until graduation, (thanks NCHS for the giant countdown digital clock thingy in the hallway), it may seem like that's a lot of time, but it truly is not. In case you haven't noticed, time flies; like, lightning speed fast. I've gotten accepted to Ball State, and I really want to go there. I just can't wrap my mind around that yet. Everything is happening all at once. It is such a good school, but I'm not so sure that what I wanted to be my major is going to be my major. Everyone tells me, "Oh, do this.... Go into that...." But, I'm going to do what I think is best for me. My decision is this (as of like, ten minutes ago when I finally decided): after graduation, I am going to take my basic classes at the Ivy Tech campus here in New Castle, and then when those are out of the way, and I have a stable income, etc. I am going to attend Ball State to get the classes for whatever major I decide on.
Church.
Here lately, I have found myself getting bored with church. It's not that I'm not getting anything from it, it's just that I am not connecting as much as when I first started going. Sure, I know I'm where God wants me to be. But, I just feel burnt out. I don't want to be, but I just am. I want something from God. I know exactly that I need it. I've felt it. I've come so close to getting it so many times. I am not going to give up though. This kind of ties into my reasoning of wanting to stay in New Castle for some of my college career. I know that if I go to Ball State (which is out of town) right away, then I will find myself not coming home every single week to go to church. I need to stay planted, and stay firm. I don't want my faith to die. I want to keep a tight grip on it. I can do it. I know I can.
Friends.
I know who my real, true friends are. I know who I can rely on and trust. But, I know that not everyone in my life is going to stay there forever. Not every person in my life is making me better or bettering my relationship with God. I am going to, at some point, have to choose who stays and who goes. As much as I would hate to do that, I have a feeling that the time is fast approaching. More so than I would like for it to. But, when the time does come, I am going to pray about it in hopes that God will lead me in the right direction of where I want my relationships with people to go.
Family.
Although my family may be very broken, and very jacked up, we still somehow find a way to love each other. We may not speak to each other, and things may never be the same, but we still will always love each other to the end. On my mom's side of the family is where I know everyone. Where everything has gone wrong and crashed and shattered before my very eyes. Some things can be fixed, while others cannot. On my dad's side of the family, I know practically no one. Not even him. It hasn't really taken that big of a toll on me, but yet it has. It sorta has left a stinging empty hole within me, but I just like to ignore it. So, the decision process of my family: I have to decide whether to try to make amends with everyone, or just let it all go. If I let it go, I feel like my life just will not be complete. But, I feel like if I try to make amends with everyone, then I might just be thinking of myself by doing it so that everyone else can start to get along, too. I really don't know.
House.
One of the other big decisions that I have to make in my life. I have to decide between moving in with my best friend either after he graduates, after I graduate, or stay where I am now. While I love it where I am now, and I couldn't be more thankful for everyone here, and all that they have done for me, I really think that if my best friend officially seconds this decision, then after I graduate in June, that him and I are possibly going to be moving in together. I just have to stay disciplined if that happens. I have to promise myself that I am not going to skip church all of the time just to hang out with him. I have to promise myself that I can live with him and not start to get tired of him (JK , btw. Hahaha. (;) I do believe that this is one decision, while we still have to discuss it, it will be the right choice for the both of us. On the other hand, I have to have a back-up plan to where I would be living on my own. Where I will have to provide everything by myself. It could go either way, to be honest.
Me.
The biggest decision of them all. I need to decide which me I am going to be. The girl who is striving to be the best that God wants her to be who struggles, but keeps trying and expresses herself through writing and music. The girl who cusses all time, only lives for God when it's convenient for her, and puts up a strong front every waking moment. Or, the girl who is dead inside, blank and empty, relying on nothing but darkness and sparks of light to get her through. I like the first girl. That's who I need to be all of the time, not just half of the time. It will be hard, but I can work towards that being the real me, and the only me.
Dear God,
I just want to thank you so much for helping me through this whole decision-making process. I definitely could not do it without you. But, God, I just want to pray that you will continue to help me get through all of the tough choices that I am going to have to make. I know that as long as I keep my faith in you, and my eyes on you, then you will lead me through the storms that I'm going through. Thank you, Jesus for giving me choices to make so that I can lean on you in the process.
In Jesus' Name.
Amen.
Friends.
I know who my real, true friends are. I know who I can rely on and trust. But, I know that not everyone in my life is going to stay there forever. Not every person in my life is making me better or bettering my relationship with God. I am going to, at some point, have to choose who stays and who goes. As much as I would hate to do that, I have a feeling that the time is fast approaching. More so than I would like for it to. But, when the time does come, I am going to pray about it in hopes that God will lead me in the right direction of where I want my relationships with people to go.
Family.
Although my family may be very broken, and very jacked up, we still somehow find a way to love each other. We may not speak to each other, and things may never be the same, but we still will always love each other to the end. On my mom's side of the family is where I know everyone. Where everything has gone wrong and crashed and shattered before my very eyes. Some things can be fixed, while others cannot. On my dad's side of the family, I know practically no one. Not even him. It hasn't really taken that big of a toll on me, but yet it has. It sorta has left a stinging empty hole within me, but I just like to ignore it. So, the decision process of my family: I have to decide whether to try to make amends with everyone, or just let it all go. If I let it go, I feel like my life just will not be complete. But, I feel like if I try to make amends with everyone, then I might just be thinking of myself by doing it so that everyone else can start to get along, too. I really don't know.
House.
One of the other big decisions that I have to make in my life. I have to decide between moving in with my best friend either after he graduates, after I graduate, or stay where I am now. While I love it where I am now, and I couldn't be more thankful for everyone here, and all that they have done for me, I really think that if my best friend officially seconds this decision, then after I graduate in June, that him and I are possibly going to be moving in together. I just have to stay disciplined if that happens. I have to promise myself that I am not going to skip church all of the time just to hang out with him. I have to promise myself that I can live with him and not start to get tired of him (JK , btw. Hahaha. (;) I do believe that this is one decision, while we still have to discuss it, it will be the right choice for the both of us. On the other hand, I have to have a back-up plan to where I would be living on my own. Where I will have to provide everything by myself. It could go either way, to be honest.
Me.
The biggest decision of them all. I need to decide which me I am going to be. The girl who is striving to be the best that God wants her to be who struggles, but keeps trying and expresses herself through writing and music. The girl who cusses all time, only lives for God when it's convenient for her, and puts up a strong front every waking moment. Or, the girl who is dead inside, blank and empty, relying on nothing but darkness and sparks of light to get her through. I like the first girl. That's who I need to be all of the time, not just half of the time. It will be hard, but I can work towards that being the real me, and the only me.
Dear God,
I just want to thank you so much for helping me through this whole decision-making process. I definitely could not do it without you. But, God, I just want to pray that you will continue to help me get through all of the tough choices that I am going to have to make. I know that as long as I keep my faith in you, and my eyes on you, then you will lead me through the storms that I'm going through. Thank you, Jesus for giving me choices to make so that I can lean on you in the process.
In Jesus' Name.
Amen.
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