#GettingStronger

Dear God, 

Awaken the peace in my life. 

Make Yourself known to me. 

Take me as I am, and use me in amazing ways. 

My life is no longer my own: it is Yours. 

Tonight, God, I felt this happiness overwhelm me. 

On the verge of change. 

On the verge of new. 

God, I thank You from the bottom of my heart for speaking to me in ways that You never have before. 

I am striving to love You more and more each day. 

I am striving to have a relationship with You that will not be shaken. 

I thank You, and I love You, God. 

Amen. 

Tonight, God dealt with me on some things in my life. 

He spoke to me, and I listened. 

Absorbed. 

Learned. 

Then, to feel all these people surrounding me and praying, was such an amazin feeling. 

It was a feeling that I cannot explain. 

I finally know what it means to feel/be happy. 

I am blessed. 

I am joyful. 

Things are getting better, and my future is getting brighter. 

#GettingStronger. 

The David Chronicles

Sunday night, I had a long talk with David. It had started when I was at church that night, though.

Pastor's message was a really powerful one. At the end of the service, I found myself sitting there, praying. Then, when Charity came over, I started to just sob. I felt God tugging on my heart so powerfully. Then, I just dried up my tears, and tried to hold myself together.

Well, whenever we got home that night is when David and I sat downstairs and had our little talk. He's one of the very few people that can say just the right things to get me to cry when I need to let it out.

We started out by talking about what I was feeling at church that night. He mentioned how he thought about giving me a slight shove in the direction of the altar, but he decided against it. I told him that I wish he would've because I knew it would've been a good thing.

The next thing we talked about was my life, and the steps in the right direction that I've started taking. He brought up a really good analogy. He said to look at everything in my life like running. "Eventually, you'll get to the point where you can start running laps. You can even maybe run a few laps. Then, you'll come to a point where you have to slow down and just breathe. Sometimes, you might even have to slow down to a crawl. But, you know what? At least you're still going!" So, I know that all I have to do is just keep trying. Like, I can NOT give up no matter what happens.

The major thing that stuck out to me from the talk was when he told me it's always good to have a fab five. Five people that I can rely on. Anytime. Anywhere. Five people that would be willing to help me get through whatever life throws my way.

Person #1: David, of course. I mean, the kid's getting his own chronicles! :P Anyways, he is one of my fab five. For obvious reasons, and for reasons only he and I will ever know. For starters, him and his family are giving me a place to live. They have welcomed me with arms wide open. I've been happy, and I am getting better. I can't thank them enough for everything they've done for me. I can easily say though, that David has changed my life. By bringing me to TPLC, my life has been changed for the better.

Person #2: Philip Andrew Hannum, duh. (P.S. www.pahannum.blogspot.com.) He is by far my absolute best friend. The best friend that I could ever ask for. He has been there for me the past thee years, when I had no one else. He's been there the longest, and hasn't gone anywhere. Our friendship continues to grow and to get better. He always has a shoulder that I can lean on, and I'm always here for him to lean on as well. Anyways, I literally cannot express how thankful and blessed I am to have him in my life. I still remember exactly how we met, but I also remember how easily it was to just open up and be real with him. I can definitely say that he knows more about me than any other person on this earth. I honestly have no idea what I would do without him.

Person #3: Emily Lawson, my youth pastor's wife. We really have a lot in common like, the fact that we don't sleep, tell each other goodnight, and then get right on Facebook and like each other's stuff. Like, all the time. For real, though. This lady is so good to me, and does so much for me. From calming me down when I'm stressed to letting me just word vomit completely. She is such a great woman of God.

Person #4: Jake Underwood, the next Steve Jobs. He was one of the first people to ever even tell me about God. Now, I can always rely on him to snap me back to reality when I start to ride away on the stress train. When I start to feel like I'm failing, he picks me back up and tells me that I gotta get my crap together. He shows me the kind of tough love that I need every once in a while. So thankful for him.

Person #5: Charity Silvers, my accountability partner. In the short time that I've known her, she has made a gigantic difference in my life. She supports me, even when I am struggling with things. She always tells me that I shouldn't hesitate to talk to her whenever I need to. She is a mentor in my life, and I can see her sticking by my side for as long as she can. I thank her from the bottom of my heart for being such a prayerful influence for me.

So, to wrap things up, I must say that as I wrote this, I had a big smile on my face. I am starting to see more and more how bright of a future that is ahead of me.

So thankful, and so blessed.

All For Us

God is committed to you, and isn't going anywhere.
Whether you believe it or not, He is waiting for you to run into His loving embrace.
He loves us so much: more than we will ever be able to wrap our minds around.
Imagine this: He sent His son.
His one and only son down to this earth to walk among His people.
To live..
And, to die...
On the night that He got arrested, He was praying so intensely that He was sweating blood.
Blood that would later be shed for US.
All of us.
Jesus, our precious Jesus was beaten.
Tortured.
Crucified.
All for us.
He died so that we can have a direct relationship with Him.
He died so that we could strive to be like Him.
So that we could shine His magnificent light upon this world.
So that we could have HOPE.
Love.
Grace.  
He gave away His life as the greatest sacrifice of all eternity.
All so that we can know what love means.
He felt pain and agony.
He felt betrayed.
He cried out, "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?!"
Crying and broken.
Tortured and dying.
So absolutely horrifying, yet it was for us!!
Why do we ignore His still existence after He gave His life for us?!
I cannot express enough how important it is to realize how amazing this story truly is.
Because, guess what...
JESUS, our precious Jesus...
Conquered death.
Conquered sin and all of our fears.
He did it.
All for us.
He rose again three days later, and He lives on.
In heaven.
So powerful.
So real.
All for us.
Love restored.
Hope restored.
Jesus loves us.
Time to stop ignoring Him.

Reflection

Last night, I went to my church's prayer room and spent 45 minutes praying my heart out. I was having a conversation with God like I never have before. I poured out my heart to Him, and He told me things. Many things. I was crying, yet talking, yet having a screaming match with Him. It was so intense that I didn't, and still don't know how to handle everything that was laid on my heart.

One thing was that I need to not sweat the small stuff. He said to me that that's where I need to start in growing closer to Him. I sure was put to the test over this as soon as I got home. I tried to not let it get to me, but for once, it only kinda did. It's like God was saying, "See?! If you can't trust me with the small things, then you're not gonna trust me with your everything." It hit me like, wow. I need to start working on not sweating the small stuff.

Another thing God told me was that He missed me wanting to spend time with Him. I think that's one of the reasons that I felt His presence so powerfully with me. I felt such an over whelming feeling of peace that I didn't know what to do with it. Everything within me was so calm that I couldn't help but just sit there, bask in His presence, and cry. It was so very wonderful. He was telling me that if I were to regularly spend time with Him like that, then I would feel the peace within me more often.

So, as I reflect on those and the other things that God told me, I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It will start to get better when I start to lean 100% on the Lord. I have the strength to make it through.

P.S. Short and simple... It is what it is. =P

Sorrow And Memories

Such sorrow and grief.
Struck by shocking tragedy.
So unbelievable.
Way too young.
To see so many people hurting. In such pain.
All of the grieving happens in many different ways.
It's an overwhelming feeling, almost.
Taken; ended in an instant.
So sudden.
So horrifying.
We question why God does what He does.
Yet, we trust in what His plans are. Until we one day meet Him face to face, we won't know why He chose to call her home so soon.
The Bible tells us to mourn with those who mourn.
So, we need to hold each other up, and help one another to seek God's comfort in all of this.
Even though she is no longer here on the earth with us, her legacy will forever live on.
All of the memories, texts, and phone calls.
They'll all stay with us.
So, although some of us may regret what we did or didn't say to her...
Although we wish things could've been different...
We should feel blessed.
Thankful for the short time that we got to have with her.
Some day, we will get to see her again.
But, until then, she'll be in the arms of our marvelous Maker.
Rest in peace, Jennifer.
You will be greatly missed, and will be in our hearts forever.

Happening All At Once (Part 2)

After a couple days on the struggle bus, I'm looking at today like it's brand new. The past is the past, so I can't get hung up on it. God makes all things new. Joy comes each morning, and I need to embrace it.

Now, one last big thing that I must say about everything. Even though a ton of things are going on, somewhere deep down I know that God isn't going to give me any more than I can bear. It's gonna be super difficult, but I need to start trusting Him in all aspects of my life. I'm starting to realize that if I finally go all in, then He will help me out of this pit called life. Guess who else was stuck in a pit? Joseph was in an actual pit! But, he trusted God and got out of it. Such a simple thing, yet so hard to stick with it. Joseph had so many opportunities that he could have taken to just turn away from God and stop praising Him, but he didn't. He stayed faithful in the Lord despite all of the trials that were happening in his life.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your hear and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." It's so hard to trust, though. I have been betrayed so much that trust is so foreign. Kinda sucks. But, I know that I can get through this. Trust and faith seem to go hand in hand. In order to have faith in someone, you should know that you can trust them. Same goes for God. If I start to trust Him, I can start to have complete faith in Him.

To top this off, I would like to say one more thing: Don't give up. Ever. I say that as a general statement, but more so as encouragement to myself. You're going to make it. Stick with it, and everything will turn out in the end. Maybe not the way you planned, but the way the God planned.

Keep Calm and Be Strong!

Happening All At Once (Part 1)

So much is happening... all at the same time. It feels as though the weight of everything on the planet decided to camp out on my shoulders. I appear to be staying calm and holding myself together well. But honestly... my mind is close to overload. My thoughts are jumping around; trying to solve everything all at once. Trying to make everything perfectly alright, even though that's not possible. I try to do it all on my won when I know that I can't.

If it wasn't for my best friend, I probably would've gone wacko by now. I'm praying my little heart out that he gets a job in New Castle or a surrounding area, so that when he graduates in December, we can settle into an apartment. Hopefully by then, I'll have a car. Money saved up from having a job. Enough to be able to survive. Groceries, rent, utilities, stuff for the apartment, phone bill, an actual working laptop, and enough to start saving for college and stuff next year. So, there's that part of my brain.

Another part of my brain is the part focusing on high school, homework, and graduation. A part of growing up that is just as stressful as the others. I want to graduate, so that should be motivation enough, right? Wrong! I feel so drained that I can't just sit down and focus on my work. I get distracted by simply the things on my mind.

But wait, there's more. Ever since I watched my senior slideshow (and sobbed like a baby afterwards), I have just been thinking a lot about my family, friends, and my past. It was like I watched my whole life flash before my eyes, and I kind of did. It hit me that I really am growing up. When I was little, everyone in my family got along, We did things together, gathered on holidays, and were all actually a family. But, something somewhere went wrong, and here we all are. Here and there. A broken family. I want to be able to fix it, but I know that I can't. All I can do is pray.

That is all I really feel like sharing right now. If I did though, this would be way too long. So, I guess, to be continued......

P.S. Sorry for how random and scattered this was. Lol.