God Is....

"The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see."   

Faith is what keeps me going.
Like my pastor said on Sunday, it's not saying that God can, it's knowing that God WILL.

If I didn't have any faith in God, I would not be in such a good place right now.
My faith in Him alone is the reason that I know everything is going to be okay.

Even though I may be going through a storm right now, He is the anchor that holds me steady. 

Every single situation is taken care of already.
He knows the outcome.
It's in His hands.

He tells us not to worry and to cast our cares upon Him.
I have done that with this entire situation, and it's crazy the peace that I feel because of it.

If you know me, you know that I am a worrier and that I rarely feel at peace when going through things.
But, this time it's different.

God is a game changer... a way maker... a chain breaker...
He is in control.
I'm finally letting go and letting His hands take over. 
He's got this.

I have literally nothing to worry about.

He is so good.
He is never going to leave.
He is not going to walk away.

He is going to see me through.
He is going to provide.
He is going to conquer all.

He has proven to me over and over again and in so many ways that He has this.
He has spoken through people on so many different occasions.   
He is like, "Jewell.... I HAVE GOT THIS. I HAVE GOT YOU AND ARIAL."

Clear as day.
He has made it so very clear.

I trust Him completely to get me and my girl through this.

I KNOW that I have nothing to worry about.

God is in complete control.... It is all in His hands.

I have come to a point in my life where trusting Him is the only option that I have left. 
If I place my trust in things of the world, I am going to crash and burn.
If I keep my trust in God, He will prosper me.

That's His plan for us.... to prosper, not to harm.   

I just can't put into words how peaceful I feel.
I have never trusted Him as much as I do right now in this moment.

God is faithful.
God is wonderful.
God is trustworthy.
God is GOOD.

 

Grey's Anatomy: Personal Jesus (Episode Rant)

Okay, so it's time for me to do a little bit of ranting for a minute.

I absolutely am obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. I feel like I would love the opportunity to share some of my ideas and theories with Shonda Rimes. I have so many things that I would do. But, I wouldn't want to change the genius mind behind it.

To begin with.... April Kepner.... I am at a loss for words after last week's episode. Now, I understand that people's faith gets tested and what not, but the way that Shonda went about this.... sheesh.... I love April and her story. Her entire story is absolutely beautiful. After the loss of her first baby, she had an adorable little daughter. Yay for her. Anyways, through all of the stuff that she had been through and all of the death that she has seen, she has remained faithful to God and relied on Him and turned to Him. Then, all of the sudden in this new episode, three people die, and it send April completely off  of the deep end. Like, I literally could not believe what I was watching. The episode ended with her doing the commentary and her saying, "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" 

What I would love to see happen is for her to find herself in God again and gain her faith back. But, something tells me that that is not what is going to happen at all. Here is what I think is going to happen.... I think that April is going to end up becoming an alcoholic. I don't want that to happen at all, but it's just a guess. I think that she is going to spiral completely out of control and come to work drunk one day and end up getting fired. I think that's how Shonda is going to write her off of the show; with her checking into a rehab or something. Now, I really super hope that I am wrong, but Shonda's got a twisted and sick sense of humor, so I think that something like what I said is going to happen. Obviously, not exactly like I predicted, but somewhat similar. Although, what I really want is for April to end up with Owen and having a baby with him. That would literally make me so happy, but I sadly don't think that's going to happen at all.

Another thing in last week's episode that got to me is the story of Jo Wilson. I cannot believe that the story of her ex-husband returning, ended so suddenly. I mean, I am extremely glad that Paul got what he deserved, but I feel like it could've went on for another episode or two. He honestly deserved to rot in prison for everything that he put Jo and his new fiance through. But, in the end I was at least happy that they donated all of his organs. So, even though he lived a cruel life, he did a good deed through his death.

Time to rant some more. I swear that if Jackson and Maggie end up together for some reason, I will literally have an actual brain anurism. They are 100% not meant to be together whatsoever. I mean, if April doesn't end up with Owen, she deserves to have Jackson back. Ugh. I feel like I think that this show is happening in real life or something. Lol. But, really though. Jackson and Maggie. No. For the love of everything, please no.

I think that's all for now. I hope that this week's episode doesn't blow my mind and make me as angry as last week's. Haha. If it makes my head spin, I am probably going to end up writing about that one, too.

Thank you, Shonda Rimes, for creating the best tv show on the planet, but not so much thank you for making it hurt my heart sometimes. Lol.

Drowning

If someone were to come up to me and ask me how I was doing, I would not know the answer.

I feel a mixture of different emotions.  

It's like a concoction of confusion. 

I feel happy sometimes. 

 I feel sad sometimes. 

 I feel angry sometimes. 

 I feel nothing sometimes.    

All of the things that I'm feeling are starting to take their toll on me. 

I am trying my hardest to be a great mom. 

I am trying my hardest to be a great daughter/grand daughter. 

 I am trying my hardest to be a great friend. 

Yet, I feel like trying my hardest just isn't good enough anymore. 

I feel as though I am a complete waste of space at this point. 

I am drowning in loneliness. 

I am drowning. 

Everything makes me anxious anymore.    

My anxiety is at a peak where it has never been. 

I am also depressed.  

Have you ever been depressed and filled with anxiety all at the same time? 

It is the most over whelming feeling in the entire world.     

I find myself not wanting to do anything except sleep. 

I can't sleep all the time though. 

I have two jobs that I have to go to in order to provide for my daughter and myself. 

I am drowning. 

I am drowning in a pool of rejection and hate.   

I don't want to live my life like this anymore.   

I am trying my best to stay faithful in church. 

I have done pretty well with that so far. 

I am trying my best to rediscover my first love. 

Running back into the arms of Jesus....  

All I ever do anymore is cry about everything. 

I am drowning in my own tears. 

I am drowning. 

Life isn't always going to be this painful. 

The wounds are just still fresh. 

As I drown in my pain, I pray that God would take it all away.... 

I am drowning.................    

I am running out of words to say.

It's becoming harder to realize how I'm really feeling.

I am drowning in a sea of sorrow.

I am drowning and feel like I'm never going to recover from this.

The sea of sorrow that's consuming me has the strongest of waves.

I am drowning.