Unconditional love is exactly what it says it is. Loving with no conditions. No, "I'll only love you if you're perfect." It's not, "I'll love you, but you have to do this and this and this first." Even if you mess up terribly, it's still there.
Un. Con. Di. Tion. Al.
I was told the past 8 months by the most amazing people that they loved me unconditionally. But, I never truly believed them to be honest. I was always doubting them and was scared that I would mess up and they would hate me. I compared them to the rest of the people in my life... People who only loved me when it was convenient for them.
Big mistake. The fear took complete control of my life. It consumed every aspect of me. I was scared they were gonna make me leave, so I took the liberty of leaving, myself. And, I didn't just leave. I ran.
I ran 45 minutes away from New Castle to a town called Lynn. I kept a strong face on and made it appear that I was totally okay. Then, when I found out just how hurt those amazing people were, i spiraled into a pit of depression that was so dark that I thought even God hated me. I started smoking (only for like, 2 days because I couldn't breathe and it wasn't working out). I kept going to parties. The first party, I got so completely drunk that I was miserable. And my hangover the next day was killer. The last party I went to, my youth pastor's wife texted me right before I tried to drink, and she stopped me in my tracks.
Anyways, I kept getting worse and worse. The pain I was feeling became worse and worse and was so unbearable that I couldn't sleep and all I wanted to do was cry and hate myself. I hated myself so much for what I did. The guilt was eating me alive. It was making my head spin like crazy.
This went on for 3 weeks.
Then, tonight at church, things finally changed. I was sobbing and praying and asking God, "why?! Why me?! Why do I always mess things up?! I'm sick of hurting!!"
I felt/heard my dad start to pray with me. And, I completely lost it. He was so desperate in his prayers that I could feel his worry as he spoke to God on my behalf. Then, when he was done praying, he tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned around. He took me in his arms and gave me the realest and most sincere hug that I've ever had. I just cried and cried and couldn't stop. I finally felt the unconditional love that I've been so hungry for my whole entire life.
I now realize how wrong I was for not believing in unconditional love. It's real. It is SO real. I believe it without a shadow of a doubt. I am so beyond thankful/blessed to finally have that unconditional love in my life and in my heart.
Thanks so much, Mom & Dad, for loving me unconditionally. ❤️
