Hi everyone. It has been quite a long time since I have written anything. Life has been crazy busy. Far busier than I could have ever imagined. I thought the move to California was intense, but being a new mom is far more intense. It's like I'm in a whole different world. Everything feels different, but yet everything feels so right.
The moment I first saw my sweet girl was a moment I will never forget... despite the fact that I was losing a lot of blood and was slightly light headed from that and the pain medicine. Haha. Anyways, the first thing that I saw were her little gorgeous eyes. They were mesmerizing. They were the most beautiful eyes that I had ever seen. I wanted to hold her and love her and just stare into them and never look away, but I had to wait until the doctor made sure that I was okay and stopped losing blood.
When I finally got to hold my daughter, 30 hours after arriving at the hospital and going through labor, it was the most surreal feeling in the entire world... actually, it felt like a dream. I couldn't believe that I had made something so perfect... the cutest tiny human that I had ever seen. I remember stroking her gorgeous head full of red hair. It was so soft and beautiful.
Then, as I held her, I put my pinky finger into her little hand, and she grabbed onto it. At that point, I had tears in my eyes. I suddenly felt this love and connection like I had never felt before. It was so unreal. I felt like a mom. I felt like at that moment, no one else in the entire world mattered more than my Arial Rose. I knew right then and there that I was going to do whatever it takes to be the best mother that I could be to her. She suddenly became my whole world. I had never felt such a love. Sure, I have loved before, but nothing compared to this. Absolutely nothing. It's almost impossible to put into words how instantaneous all of these feelings happened. I cannot believe it.
Now, the day came when it was time to bring her home. I was so excited for two reasons: one, because I wanted to get out of that hospital. It was nice and all, but I just wanted to go home. And, two, because I wanted to finally bring my girl into the real world and to a place that she could call home. As soon as we walked through the front door though, my anxiety hit me like a freight train. I was so scared that I was going to mess something up. I literally could not stop crying, and for absolutely no reason. I knew everything was okay. I knew it was going to take time to adjust because she was a new baby. I was freaking out for no reason. I needed to chill and realize that it was just going to take some getting used to. It was such a rough night for me though still. I hardly slept a wink. Even if she made a slight noise, I would wake up and make sure that she was okay, even though I knew that she was. She was just enjoying her life and sleeping peacefully and just moving around occasionally. My brain just couldn't get the concept that I needed to sleep still and take care of myself. But, for the whole first week she was home, I still continued to struggle with sleeping and getting the rest that I needed.
As of today, I still am a worrier. I still panic if I think that I am doing something wrong. My emotional state is still slightly fragile, and I know that it is just my hormones talking. But, I am trying my best... And, sometimes, trying your best is the best that you can do. I know that I have an amazing and healthy and wonderful little girl. I know that I have no reason to worry. Her daddy is so amazing with her and even makes sure that I am okay and helps me to realize that I need to take care of myself as well. I really am living the dream life, and I am beyond thankful for every part of it.
Things may be rough for me right now, but I am still thankful. I am the happiest that I have ever been because of this precious human being. I am going to be okay, and I now that I am. I know that eventually, my emotions will level out and things will get easier. Everything is just so new right now, and her daddy and I both are still just adjusting. So, I am going to do everything in my power to stop worrying over literally nothing. Everything is this whole new world is going as smoothly and happily as it should be. :)
