Walking Within The Peace

James 1:2-4 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." 

When I was sitting in physics this morning, that scripture popped into my mind. I realized that all the stuff I am going through has a purpose. None of this is just God trying to make my life miserable. The true trial here is what I decide to do with all of this. From things as big as addictions and serious problems in my family to simply having to let a friendship go. I have to go with God’s flow, and not question Him on what He is doing.

At church last night, Pastor Matt preached a really really really really great message. He talked about walking with God and about how you don’t have to run and shout all of the time. He said that it’s okay to walk through your trials and everything, and that we have to walk until we reach our miracle. So, in other words… baby steps. Seems as though that advice to me is becoming a common occurrence.

When the service was coming to a close, I responded to the altar call. The message hit home, and was just right down my alley. Well, as I was praying by myself, someone else came up and started praying for me. He was praying that peace would cover me and that I would be able to sleep in His presence and not stay up all night freaking out and stressing over everything. At that point, I of course, started to cry again. I knew that it was God speaking to me through him. I know that I need to bask in His presence much more than I do now.

Little did I know that something was going to happen that night when I got home that would test much I truly rely on the peace of God to come over me so that I can rest. I was so frustrated that God was gonna have me make a choice that I didn't want to make, yet I was still trying my best to remain hopeful… and I did. As I sat upstairs and prayed for the choice that God was having me make, I knew that what I was feeling was His presence and His peace with me. And, sure enough, He lead me to make the right decision that was in His will.

I now know that I as go through my walk with God, that I can safely trust Him with everything, and rely on Him to make all of my choices. All it takes it practice and hard work just like anything else. All that’s added into the mix is a lot of heavenly love. I am so blessed to have a relationship with Jesus because now I literally have no idea where I would be without it. I am also blessed that there are people within my church that let God use them to speak to me.

Thank You, Jesus for peace!! (:   

The Spirit Of Fear

Ever since Prophet Leach talked to me on Sunday night about the spirit of fear, I have really been pondering it. Maybe even fighting it a little bit. Before that night, it had never hit me so hard that it’s a huge problem in my life. I sorta thought it was, but I just brushed it off. Now, though, I know that I am really struggling with it, and I need to work on it. I need to pray about it.  

As soon as Prophet Leach was done praying for me, I felt so happy. Kinda like I had finally broken the mold. I was 100% determined that the next night of revival would be the night I completely surrendered to God. Well, that didn't exactly happen. I felt the tug, but it didn't happen. I felt God telling me to respond when he made the altar call for it. But, it's almost like my shoes froze to the ground. I was stuck. Stuck in, of course, fear. 

Fear got in the way again. I let it. I didn't proclaim it gone, in Jesus’ name. I let it consume every bit of me. I was so frustrated with myself. Even though God had spoken peace over the place, I still let myself get frustrated. My youth pastor's wife even told me that it was okay. To not be frustrated. To take baby steps. But, I knew that God had called me to respond, but I didn't. So, therefore, I was super frustrated. 

This morning at the Fusion Prayer group at school, the lesson was about “The Peacekeeper.” He talked about… wait for it… the spirit of fear. This time, it hit me again. I sorta let out this laugh and whispered, “wow,” to myself. It’s crazy how God still tells me things in the most unlikely of ways. He helped me to realize that the spirit of fear isn't a problem that I can just ignore. It is something that I absolutely have to make better.

Going all in and fully surrendering to God isn't something that I need to be scared of. It is something that I need to embrace. To run towards. So, through Him I can get through this. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13).

Dear God,

I just wanna start off by thanking you. I thank you for showing this to me so that I can strive to better my relationship with you. God, I pray that you would help me to stop shutting down. That you’d guide me, God. I don’t wanna turn away or be scared of surrender anymore. I don’t wanna be disconnected anymore. I just want to live for you, and never turn back or be afraid. I love you, Jesus. Thank you.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.   

The Run Is Done

I'm going to put this as clearly as I can: 

YOU CANNOT HIDE OR RUN AWAY FROM GOD. 

Let me share with you a little experience that I had that proves it.   

My church (TPLC), has been having a revival throughout the weekend, continuing tonight, with Prophet Chris Leach. Not gonna lie, the whole "prophecy thing" freaked me the heck out. Like, I was scared. Saturday night, I didn't even stay in the sanctuary for the worship. I ran out, and hid in the nursery. I felt guilty the entire time. On Sunday morning, I made it through the worship, but then I hid out in the nursery again. Sunday after noon at the Centerville campus, I made it through worship, and a little bit past it. Sunday night, I stayed a little bit longer than the other services, but then I ran out again. 

Well, generally I would hide out in the nursery, but for some reason, I found myself sitting in the prayer room, listening in on what was happening in the sanctuary, without even remembering that Prophet Leach would have to go through the prayer room when he left the sanctuary. 

Anyways, I was just sitting there. Well, in walks Prophet Leach along with another guy from my church who was walking him out. I didn't think anything of it. He was just walking through. So, he got about halfway out of the room, when he looked at me, cocked his head, and said, "Can I pray for you?" Before I could even get out the whole word, "sure," he laid hands on my head. He started to pray for me. 

I instantly felt the power and the presence of God. It was absolutely wonderful. Now, he didn't even talk to me before he started praying, but he said, during his prayer, exactly what I needed to hear. He started by praying somewhere along the lines of, "God, I pray that the spirit of fear would leave this girl, in Jesus' name." Then, he continued to pray. He said that the Holy Ghost was all over me. Boy, did I feel it. He told me to let what I was hearing come out of my mouth. I was just like, ummmm, wow. Then, he started speaking in tongues while praying for me. At that point, I started bawling my eyes out. 

Then, him and the other guy from my church left the room. After I sort of composed myself, I couldn't stop smiling. I returned to the sanctuary after this experience, and I went in with a whole new mind set. 

I am not scared anymore. The fear is gone. I am no longer going to just sit back and hide from God. I'm done trying to run away from him. The odds of Him finding me like He did last night, are always going to be in my favor. He is committed to me, and isn't going anywhere. 

I am beyond blessed to have had this experience. I cannot wait for church tonight. I cannot wait to finally go all in with God. To finally receive the gift that I was promised. The Holy Ghost. It is waiting for me, and I am ready. 

Thank You, Jesus for not letting me run away! (: 

Just Let Go

I was so close.
Surrender, complete surrender, was at my fingertips.
The amount of intense power that I felt was like no other.
God's presence was so heavy, and it was so refreshing.
I couldn't believe so many people were praying with me.
I couldn't believe they all cared so much.
I had this feeling in my gut that it almost happened.
I felt it.
I can still feel the power I felt then a little bit every time I think or talk about it.
It feels so wonderful.
I was just so close that it blows my mind.
Also, every single person who prayed with me that night each said a lot of things, but one thing each person said was the same.
"Let go, and let God."
"Jewell, you have to let go."
"If you let go, it will be so freeing. I promise."
"Just give it to God, Jewell. Just let go, and give it to God."
"You need to let go. Just let God take over."
It keeps echoing in my head.
It's so hard to let go.
But, I want to.
I need to.
I was so stinking close.
It was right in front of me.
All I had to do was let go of myself, and reach out and grab it.
No one was keeping me from it.
Nothing was in the way.
It was just me.
A control freak.
Too scared of change to surrender.
So close...
So.
Close.

Dear God,
First of all, I just love You.
So much.
I just wanna thank You for that experience that I had at the altar on Sunday night.
God, I pray that you would continue to guide me.
Help me to let You use me.
I pray that You would just wrap me in Your arms and tell me that it's all going to be okay.
Thank You so much, God for everything.
I love You.

Insomnia

Insomnia. 

Day four. 

Wide awake, yet extremely tired. 

Trying to sleep, but maybe a little too hard. 

There's just something that is keeping me awake. 

This doesn't happen just because. 

Feeling so alive, yet so drifty. 

Eyes burning. 

Mind racing. 

Yawning. 

Searching for sleep. 

Tried music. 

Tried reading. 

Things that normally put me to sleep. 

Yet, I still just lay here thinking. 

And daydreaming. 

And watching the ceiling fan. 

I literally just wanna sleep. 

More than anything. 

To just curl up in a comfy ball, and just sleep. 

Meh. 

PS-Sorry this is so short. Haha. I'm a wee bit slap happy, too. 

It's Okay

A friend of mine told me the other day that I don't always have to be the strong one (which just confirmed it because my other friend said the same thing a couple days before). He told me that it's okay to finally break down... to cry. He said it's time for me to finally be real with myself about things. To actually let go and just let it all out. He made a reality real for me that things in my life aren't going to be the same, but they're going to change for the better. He said it's all going to be okay.

So, after all that he said sunk in, I finally broke. I stopped putting up a strong front and things got real. He held me while I cried, and while I processed my thoughts. I'll never forget it because no one has ever done something like that for me before. Ever showed me such care and compassion. So, thank you so much, David. I am so blessed to have you as my best friend/brother. You mean the world to me. I guess you could count this as part two of your chronicles. Haha.

So, other things I've gathered from this? There are a few. But, I can't get it out of my mind that I finally learned that I can't do this all on my own. I have to rely on the people who care about me, and most importantly, God. If I learn to start relying on God for everything, I will start slowly but surely having more hope. I will have purpose, and I will start being able to reach out to others and help them in ways that I have been helped.

So, this was step one for me in a complete life transformation. Starting small, taking baby steps, and making progress. Like I said, slowly but surely, and that is perfectly okay with me.

Dear God,
I just wanna thank you for using David to get through to me and for placing him in my life. I also just wanna pray that you would use his words through me, so that I can also help others in the way that he has helped me.
I just ask that you would use me in ways, God, that you have never used me before. Whether it be through my writing or just through my everyday life, I want it all to revolve around you.
Amen!