Thankful

I am in one of those random moods where I feel like telling people that I care about how much I love them, and how thankful I am for everything that they've done for me. So, this is going to be one of those posts where some of the stuff might be all sappy and stuff, but it's happy. These people make me happy, and I owe it to them to let them know that they are appreciated. So, here it goes. Please enjoy this sequence of letters. Lol.

Philip Andrew Hannum,
I simply just want to say thank you: for being my best friend. For always being there for me every day. For keeping all of my secrets. For caring about me. I honestly don't know what I would do or who I would be today if it wasn't for me. You've been there for me when there has literally been no one else. You have brought me into the best group of friends. You've shown me that you don't have to be blood to be family. You've told me some some of the best advice I've ever received. You have changed me: made me a better person. You've taught me that life has it's ups and downs, and that in order to succeed, you have to keep trying and never give up. You have encouraged me when everyone else was tearing me down. You have kept me on the right track. March will make four years that we've known each other, and I wouldn't have survived these past four years without you. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the greatest person ever. You rock. Here's to hopefully many more years to come.

Jacob Cameron Underwood,
You, sir, are awesome. You were one of the very first people to ever tell me about God and talk to me about how amazing that He is. You have seen me at my darkest, and at my best. I can always rely on you to pray when I need it. This is a pretty short one, but all that is left to say is this: Jake, I am so thankful for you. Continue to always be as awesome as you are.

Emily Lawson,
I don't even know where to begin. I just love you so much. Even though we've kind of only known each other for a short time, you've been through a lot with me. You've been there through a lot of my struggles, and you are always encouraging me and praying for me. You are one of the most amazing women of God that I have ever met. I love how you worship with reckless abandon. I love how you can connect with God so well. You are such an inspiration, and you're an absolutely wonderful person. Thank you for being you, and for being the woman that God has called you to be, and for listening to His voice.

Charity Silvers,
We haven't known each other for a very long time, but we have really gotten to know each other. You are an amazing accountability partner, and I am so thankful for that. Not very many people can get me to talk about stuff, and I don't open up to very many people, but I feel like I can trust you with anything. Again, I can't express how thankful I am to have someone that I know I can trust; someone that will always have my back and be in my corner rooting ford me. You and Josh are big inspirations in my life. You guys have both been through a lot, and you still put your trust in God. I hope that someday, I can give God my all like you guys have.

David Allen De Tar,
Oh goodness. Where to begin. You are just wonderful. You are more than just a best friend. You are like a brother to me. Even when you're tired, if I need a friend, you stay up late just to help me through what I'm going through. You have literally done so much for me. You pray for me. You keep me in the church by encouraging me when I'm feeling down and frustrated about it. You brought me to a church full of some of the most loving people that I have ever met. You have made a huge impact in my life, and I can trust you with anything that I tell you. You always have my back, and you are just awesome. Thank you so much for being the best brother anyone could ever ask for.        

Kenton James Durham,
"Is that a winky face?!" That is probably the funniest memory that I have of us. Haha. You can always make me laugh. You give the best hugs ever. You also are like a brother to me. I decided to mention you in this post because if it wasn't for you, I would've never known the love that Jesus has for me. You are the first person who ever brought me to church. It was freshman year, and I was a mess... and you knew it... You are such a great person, and God has given you many gifts and talents. Fly with those. You are amazing. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different. Thank you for showing me who Jesus is.

Jerry Ingalls,
PJ, you are seriously one of the nicest people ever. You were there when I accepted Jesus; well, over the phone anyways. You pray with such heart and soul, and I really look up to you for that. The most important reason that I wanted to mention you in this post and thank you is because you are like a father to me. The father figure here on earth that I've never had. Although you are not my birth father, I consider you to be my dad. You're as close as I've ever been to the real thing. You and Kim have invested yourselves into my life in such great ways from giving me my first official Bible to inviting me into your home just to have a chat with one another. You are such a great family, and are living how God has called you to live. Thank you both for being awesome spiritual parents to me for the past three and a half years.

Most importantly, Jesus...
I would be absolutely nothing if I hadn't given my life to Him. I literally don't think I would be who I am today without Him. He made such a great sacrifice for us when He gave His life on the cross for all of us. I simply want to thank Him for making me who I am today. Even though I have struggled, there is a purpose for all of it. Thank You, Jesus, for loving me. All I can do is love You back.

Well, that concludes my thank you letters. I hope that it wasn't too sappy for ya. ;)  

I Wish

I wish life was as simple as just snapping your fingers and all of your problems would just disappear.
I wish life was easy enough to just be happy all day for a whole day.
I wish life wasn't full of so many disappointments.
I wish life didn't throw so much crap at so many people all at once.

I wish fights didn't exist.
I wish arguing wasn't real.
I wish love could always be present.
I wish life just wasn't so complicated.

I wish that someday, I would stop only focusing on the negative aspects of things.
I wish that someday, I would stop fighting myself over every little thing.
I wish that someday, I would stop thinking that everything that goes wrong is my fault.
I wish that life would stop slowly going down the toilet for me... I want to get better, soon.

I wish I could find a way to not hate myself so much.
I wish I could find some way to break these chains that have such a tight grip on me.
I wish I could find a way to actually be real to myself and admit that I can't do this alone anymore.
I wish life could find some way to start being worth something.

I wish that I wasn't in such a dead place in my life, faith, and emotions right now.
I wish that I could be free from all of this fear in me.
I wish that I would raise my white flag and hit my knees and cry out to God for help.
I wish that life would just pause and let me collect my thoughts.

I wish my thoughts were positive.
I wish my thoughts were uplifting.
I wish my thoughts would just slow/calm way down.
I wish life would freeze and just be quiet for just a minute.

I wish that I could write a little prayer to put here like I usually do... I've got nothing...

When I Pray

When I pray, I feel nothing.
I feel like I'm just talking to air.
I feel like I'm just giving myself false hope, and nothing is ever going to happen.

When I cry, it's not because I'm sad.
It's not because I just feel like it.
I end up feeling empty and exhausted.
I do it because for a small moment, I don't have to hold everything in.

When I think, I do too much of it.
I overdo it, actually.
I start to ponder and debate things that should already be a given.
I start to dount things that I shouldn't.

When I pray, I sometimes feel a tug in my heart to just let myself cry.
I feel like I'm too scared to let go.
I start over thinking like I always do.

When I fight, it's always with myself.
It's literally like a war in my mind that I have no control over.
It's like it doesn't even phase me on the surface.
It's just mentally/emotionally driving me bananas.

When I pray, I question why I am doing it.
It feels pointless to me.
When I start to feel it happening, I shut down.
I don't know why it scares me so much.

When I go through my day, I put on a happy Christian girl mask.
I pretend that I'm not struggling as much as I really am.
I act like absolutely nothing is wrong in my life.
I just sorta talk to God telling myself He's not listening.

Dear God,
I pray that you would help me to find You again.
I find myself searching for myself, but instead of in You, in all of the wrong places.
I want to be able to give You my all.
Please help me, God, and take away the fear that keeps returning to my spirit.
I pray that You would help me to realize that I can't go on another day without You and Your help.
Teach me, God, how to live for You.
Amen.

The Decision-Making Process

My life keeps making it very clear that it doesn't like to make decisions. It takes the smallest of things, and turns it into a big mental battle of whether or not I want this or that. The big stuff that I have to make decisions about: I put them off because they drive me absolutely bananas. The thing is though, I'm an adult now. I need to put my big girl pants on, and start thinking about my future, and make some decisions.

School. 

With 195 days until graduation, (thanks NCHS for the giant countdown digital clock thingy in the hallway), it may seem like that's a lot of time, but it truly is not. In case you haven't noticed, time flies; like, lightning speed fast. I've gotten accepted to Ball State, and I really want to go there. I just can't wrap my mind around that yet. Everything is happening all at once. It is such a good school, but I'm not so sure that what I wanted to be my major is going to be my major. Everyone tells me, "Oh, do this.... Go into that...." But, I'm going to do what I think is best for me. My decision is this (as of like, ten minutes ago when I finally decided): after graduation, I am going to take my basic classes at the Ivy Tech campus here in New Castle, and then when those are out of the way, and I have a stable income, etc. I am going to attend Ball State to get the classes for whatever major I decide on. 

Church. 

Here lately, I have found myself getting bored with church. It's not that I'm not getting anything from it, it's just that I am not connecting as much as when I first started going. Sure, I know I'm where God wants me to be. But, I just feel burnt out. I don't want to be, but I just am. I want something from God. I know exactly that I need it. I've felt it. I've come so close to getting it so many times. I am not going to give up though. This kind of ties into my reasoning of wanting to stay in New Castle for some of my college career. I know that if I go to Ball State (which is out of town) right away, then I will find myself not coming home every single week to go to church. I need to stay planted, and stay firm. I don't want my faith to die. I want to keep a tight grip on it. I can do it. I know I can.

Friends.
I know who my real, true friends are. I know who I can rely on and trust. But, I know that not everyone in my life is going to stay there forever. Not every person in my life is making me better or bettering my relationship with God. I am going to, at some point, have to choose who stays and who goes. As much as I would hate to do that, I have a feeling that the time is fast approaching. More so than I would like for it to. But, when the time does come, I am going to pray about it in hopes that God will lead me in the right direction of where I want my relationships with people to go.

Family.
Although my family may be very broken, and very jacked up, we still somehow find a way to love each other. We may not speak to each other, and things may never be the same, but we still will always love each other to the end. On my mom's side of the family is where I know everyone. Where everything has gone wrong and crashed and shattered before my very eyes. Some things can be fixed, while others cannot. On my dad's side of the family, I know practically no one. Not even him. It hasn't really taken that big of a toll on me, but yet it has. It sorta has left a stinging empty hole within me, but I just like to ignore it. So, the decision process of my family: I have to decide whether to try to make amends with everyone, or just let it all go. If I let it go, I feel like my life just will not be complete. But, I feel like if I try to make amends with everyone, then I might just be thinking of myself by doing it so that everyone else can start to get along, too. I really don't know.

House.
One of the other big decisions that I have to make in my life. I have to decide between moving in with my best friend either after he graduates, after I graduate, or stay where I am now. While I love it where I am now, and I couldn't be more thankful for everyone here, and all that they have done for me, I really think that if my best friend officially seconds this decision, then after I graduate in June, that him and I are possibly going to be moving in together. I just have to stay disciplined if that happens. I have to promise myself that I am not going to skip church all of the time just to hang out with him. I have to promise myself that I can live with him and not start to get tired of him (JK , btw. Hahaha. (;) I do believe that this is one decision, while we still have to discuss it, it will be the right choice for the both of us. On the other hand, I have to have a back-up plan to where I would be living on my own. Where I will have to provide everything by myself. It could go either way, to be honest.

Me.
The biggest  decision of them all. I need to decide which me I am going to be. The girl who is striving to be the best that God wants her to be who struggles, but keeps trying and expresses herself through writing and music. The girl who cusses all time, only lives for God when it's convenient for her, and puts up a strong front every waking moment. Or, the girl who is dead inside, blank and empty, relying on nothing but darkness and sparks of light to get her through. I like the first girl. That's who I need to be all of the time, not just half of the time. It will be hard, but I can work towards that being the real me, and the only me.

Dear God,
I just want to thank you so much for helping me through this whole decision-making process. I definitely could not do it without you. But, God, I just want to pray that you will continue to help me get through all of the tough choices that I am going to have to make. I know that as long as I keep my faith in you, and my eyes on you, then you will lead me through the storms that I'm going through. Thank you, Jesus for giving me choices to make so that I can lean on you in the process.
In Jesus' Name.
Amen.

Walking Within The Peace

James 1:2-4 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." 

When I was sitting in physics this morning, that scripture popped into my mind. I realized that all the stuff I am going through has a purpose. None of this is just God trying to make my life miserable. The true trial here is what I decide to do with all of this. From things as big as addictions and serious problems in my family to simply having to let a friendship go. I have to go with God’s flow, and not question Him on what He is doing.

At church last night, Pastor Matt preached a really really really really great message. He talked about walking with God and about how you don’t have to run and shout all of the time. He said that it’s okay to walk through your trials and everything, and that we have to walk until we reach our miracle. So, in other words… baby steps. Seems as though that advice to me is becoming a common occurrence.

When the service was coming to a close, I responded to the altar call. The message hit home, and was just right down my alley. Well, as I was praying by myself, someone else came up and started praying for me. He was praying that peace would cover me and that I would be able to sleep in His presence and not stay up all night freaking out and stressing over everything. At that point, I of course, started to cry again. I knew that it was God speaking to me through him. I know that I need to bask in His presence much more than I do now.

Little did I know that something was going to happen that night when I got home that would test much I truly rely on the peace of God to come over me so that I can rest. I was so frustrated that God was gonna have me make a choice that I didn't want to make, yet I was still trying my best to remain hopeful… and I did. As I sat upstairs and prayed for the choice that God was having me make, I knew that what I was feeling was His presence and His peace with me. And, sure enough, He lead me to make the right decision that was in His will.

I now know that I as go through my walk with God, that I can safely trust Him with everything, and rely on Him to make all of my choices. All it takes it practice and hard work just like anything else. All that’s added into the mix is a lot of heavenly love. I am so blessed to have a relationship with Jesus because now I literally have no idea where I would be without it. I am also blessed that there are people within my church that let God use them to speak to me.

Thank You, Jesus for peace!! (:   

The Spirit Of Fear

Ever since Prophet Leach talked to me on Sunday night about the spirit of fear, I have really been pondering it. Maybe even fighting it a little bit. Before that night, it had never hit me so hard that it’s a huge problem in my life. I sorta thought it was, but I just brushed it off. Now, though, I know that I am really struggling with it, and I need to work on it. I need to pray about it.  

As soon as Prophet Leach was done praying for me, I felt so happy. Kinda like I had finally broken the mold. I was 100% determined that the next night of revival would be the night I completely surrendered to God. Well, that didn't exactly happen. I felt the tug, but it didn't happen. I felt God telling me to respond when he made the altar call for it. But, it's almost like my shoes froze to the ground. I was stuck. Stuck in, of course, fear. 

Fear got in the way again. I let it. I didn't proclaim it gone, in Jesus’ name. I let it consume every bit of me. I was so frustrated with myself. Even though God had spoken peace over the place, I still let myself get frustrated. My youth pastor's wife even told me that it was okay. To not be frustrated. To take baby steps. But, I knew that God had called me to respond, but I didn't. So, therefore, I was super frustrated. 

This morning at the Fusion Prayer group at school, the lesson was about “The Peacekeeper.” He talked about… wait for it… the spirit of fear. This time, it hit me again. I sorta let out this laugh and whispered, “wow,” to myself. It’s crazy how God still tells me things in the most unlikely of ways. He helped me to realize that the spirit of fear isn't a problem that I can just ignore. It is something that I absolutely have to make better.

Going all in and fully surrendering to God isn't something that I need to be scared of. It is something that I need to embrace. To run towards. So, through Him I can get through this. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13).

Dear God,

I just wanna start off by thanking you. I thank you for showing this to me so that I can strive to better my relationship with you. God, I pray that you would help me to stop shutting down. That you’d guide me, God. I don’t wanna turn away or be scared of surrender anymore. I don’t wanna be disconnected anymore. I just want to live for you, and never turn back or be afraid. I love you, Jesus. Thank you.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.   

The Run Is Done

I'm going to put this as clearly as I can: 

YOU CANNOT HIDE OR RUN AWAY FROM GOD. 

Let me share with you a little experience that I had that proves it.   

My church (TPLC), has been having a revival throughout the weekend, continuing tonight, with Prophet Chris Leach. Not gonna lie, the whole "prophecy thing" freaked me the heck out. Like, I was scared. Saturday night, I didn't even stay in the sanctuary for the worship. I ran out, and hid in the nursery. I felt guilty the entire time. On Sunday morning, I made it through the worship, but then I hid out in the nursery again. Sunday after noon at the Centerville campus, I made it through worship, and a little bit past it. Sunday night, I stayed a little bit longer than the other services, but then I ran out again. 

Well, generally I would hide out in the nursery, but for some reason, I found myself sitting in the prayer room, listening in on what was happening in the sanctuary, without even remembering that Prophet Leach would have to go through the prayer room when he left the sanctuary. 

Anyways, I was just sitting there. Well, in walks Prophet Leach along with another guy from my church who was walking him out. I didn't think anything of it. He was just walking through. So, he got about halfway out of the room, when he looked at me, cocked his head, and said, "Can I pray for you?" Before I could even get out the whole word, "sure," he laid hands on my head. He started to pray for me. 

I instantly felt the power and the presence of God. It was absolutely wonderful. Now, he didn't even talk to me before he started praying, but he said, during his prayer, exactly what I needed to hear. He started by praying somewhere along the lines of, "God, I pray that the spirit of fear would leave this girl, in Jesus' name." Then, he continued to pray. He said that the Holy Ghost was all over me. Boy, did I feel it. He told me to let what I was hearing come out of my mouth. I was just like, ummmm, wow. Then, he started speaking in tongues while praying for me. At that point, I started bawling my eyes out. 

Then, him and the other guy from my church left the room. After I sort of composed myself, I couldn't stop smiling. I returned to the sanctuary after this experience, and I went in with a whole new mind set. 

I am not scared anymore. The fear is gone. I am no longer going to just sit back and hide from God. I'm done trying to run away from him. The odds of Him finding me like He did last night, are always going to be in my favor. He is committed to me, and isn't going anywhere. 

I am beyond blessed to have had this experience. I cannot wait for church tonight. I cannot wait to finally go all in with God. To finally receive the gift that I was promised. The Holy Ghost. It is waiting for me, and I am ready. 

Thank You, Jesus for not letting me run away! (: 

Just Let Go

I was so close.
Surrender, complete surrender, was at my fingertips.
The amount of intense power that I felt was like no other.
God's presence was so heavy, and it was so refreshing.
I couldn't believe so many people were praying with me.
I couldn't believe they all cared so much.
I had this feeling in my gut that it almost happened.
I felt it.
I can still feel the power I felt then a little bit every time I think or talk about it.
It feels so wonderful.
I was just so close that it blows my mind.
Also, every single person who prayed with me that night each said a lot of things, but one thing each person said was the same.
"Let go, and let God."
"Jewell, you have to let go."
"If you let go, it will be so freeing. I promise."
"Just give it to God, Jewell. Just let go, and give it to God."
"You need to let go. Just let God take over."
It keeps echoing in my head.
It's so hard to let go.
But, I want to.
I need to.
I was so stinking close.
It was right in front of me.
All I had to do was let go of myself, and reach out and grab it.
No one was keeping me from it.
Nothing was in the way.
It was just me.
A control freak.
Too scared of change to surrender.
So close...
So.
Close.

Dear God,
First of all, I just love You.
So much.
I just wanna thank You for that experience that I had at the altar on Sunday night.
God, I pray that you would continue to guide me.
Help me to let You use me.
I pray that You would just wrap me in Your arms and tell me that it's all going to be okay.
Thank You so much, God for everything.
I love You.

Insomnia

Insomnia. 

Day four. 

Wide awake, yet extremely tired. 

Trying to sleep, but maybe a little too hard. 

There's just something that is keeping me awake. 

This doesn't happen just because. 

Feeling so alive, yet so drifty. 

Eyes burning. 

Mind racing. 

Yawning. 

Searching for sleep. 

Tried music. 

Tried reading. 

Things that normally put me to sleep. 

Yet, I still just lay here thinking. 

And daydreaming. 

And watching the ceiling fan. 

I literally just wanna sleep. 

More than anything. 

To just curl up in a comfy ball, and just sleep. 

Meh. 

PS-Sorry this is so short. Haha. I'm a wee bit slap happy, too. 

It's Okay

A friend of mine told me the other day that I don't always have to be the strong one (which just confirmed it because my other friend said the same thing a couple days before). He told me that it's okay to finally break down... to cry. He said it's time for me to finally be real with myself about things. To actually let go and just let it all out. He made a reality real for me that things in my life aren't going to be the same, but they're going to change for the better. He said it's all going to be okay.

So, after all that he said sunk in, I finally broke. I stopped putting up a strong front and things got real. He held me while I cried, and while I processed my thoughts. I'll never forget it because no one has ever done something like that for me before. Ever showed me such care and compassion. So, thank you so much, David. I am so blessed to have you as my best friend/brother. You mean the world to me. I guess you could count this as part two of your chronicles. Haha.

So, other things I've gathered from this? There are a few. But, I can't get it out of my mind that I finally learned that I can't do this all on my own. I have to rely on the people who care about me, and most importantly, God. If I learn to start relying on God for everything, I will start slowly but surely having more hope. I will have purpose, and I will start being able to reach out to others and help them in ways that I have been helped.

So, this was step one for me in a complete life transformation. Starting small, taking baby steps, and making progress. Like I said, slowly but surely, and that is perfectly okay with me.

Dear God,
I just wanna thank you for using David to get through to me and for placing him in my life. I also just wanna pray that you would use his words through me, so that I can also help others in the way that he has helped me.
I just ask that you would use me in ways, God, that you have never used me before. Whether it be through my writing or just through my everyday life, I want it all to revolve around you.
Amen!

#GettingStronger

Dear God, 

Awaken the peace in my life. 

Make Yourself known to me. 

Take me as I am, and use me in amazing ways. 

My life is no longer my own: it is Yours. 

Tonight, God, I felt this happiness overwhelm me. 

On the verge of change. 

On the verge of new. 

God, I thank You from the bottom of my heart for speaking to me in ways that You never have before. 

I am striving to love You more and more each day. 

I am striving to have a relationship with You that will not be shaken. 

I thank You, and I love You, God. 

Amen. 

Tonight, God dealt with me on some things in my life. 

He spoke to me, and I listened. 

Absorbed. 

Learned. 

Then, to feel all these people surrounding me and praying, was such an amazin feeling. 

It was a feeling that I cannot explain. 

I finally know what it means to feel/be happy. 

I am blessed. 

I am joyful. 

Things are getting better, and my future is getting brighter. 

#GettingStronger. 

The David Chronicles

Sunday night, I had a long talk with David. It had started when I was at church that night, though.

Pastor's message was a really powerful one. At the end of the service, I found myself sitting there, praying. Then, when Charity came over, I started to just sob. I felt God tugging on my heart so powerfully. Then, I just dried up my tears, and tried to hold myself together.

Well, whenever we got home that night is when David and I sat downstairs and had our little talk. He's one of the very few people that can say just the right things to get me to cry when I need to let it out.

We started out by talking about what I was feeling at church that night. He mentioned how he thought about giving me a slight shove in the direction of the altar, but he decided against it. I told him that I wish he would've because I knew it would've been a good thing.

The next thing we talked about was my life, and the steps in the right direction that I've started taking. He brought up a really good analogy. He said to look at everything in my life like running. "Eventually, you'll get to the point where you can start running laps. You can even maybe run a few laps. Then, you'll come to a point where you have to slow down and just breathe. Sometimes, you might even have to slow down to a crawl. But, you know what? At least you're still going!" So, I know that all I have to do is just keep trying. Like, I can NOT give up no matter what happens.

The major thing that stuck out to me from the talk was when he told me it's always good to have a fab five. Five people that I can rely on. Anytime. Anywhere. Five people that would be willing to help me get through whatever life throws my way.

Person #1: David, of course. I mean, the kid's getting his own chronicles! :P Anyways, he is one of my fab five. For obvious reasons, and for reasons only he and I will ever know. For starters, him and his family are giving me a place to live. They have welcomed me with arms wide open. I've been happy, and I am getting better. I can't thank them enough for everything they've done for me. I can easily say though, that David has changed my life. By bringing me to TPLC, my life has been changed for the better.

Person #2: Philip Andrew Hannum, duh. (P.S. www.pahannum.blogspot.com.) He is by far my absolute best friend. The best friend that I could ever ask for. He has been there for me the past thee years, when I had no one else. He's been there the longest, and hasn't gone anywhere. Our friendship continues to grow and to get better. He always has a shoulder that I can lean on, and I'm always here for him to lean on as well. Anyways, I literally cannot express how thankful and blessed I am to have him in my life. I still remember exactly how we met, but I also remember how easily it was to just open up and be real with him. I can definitely say that he knows more about me than any other person on this earth. I honestly have no idea what I would do without him.

Person #3: Emily Lawson, my youth pastor's wife. We really have a lot in common like, the fact that we don't sleep, tell each other goodnight, and then get right on Facebook and like each other's stuff. Like, all the time. For real, though. This lady is so good to me, and does so much for me. From calming me down when I'm stressed to letting me just word vomit completely. She is such a great woman of God.

Person #4: Jake Underwood, the next Steve Jobs. He was one of the first people to ever even tell me about God. Now, I can always rely on him to snap me back to reality when I start to ride away on the stress train. When I start to feel like I'm failing, he picks me back up and tells me that I gotta get my crap together. He shows me the kind of tough love that I need every once in a while. So thankful for him.

Person #5: Charity Silvers, my accountability partner. In the short time that I've known her, she has made a gigantic difference in my life. She supports me, even when I am struggling with things. She always tells me that I shouldn't hesitate to talk to her whenever I need to. She is a mentor in my life, and I can see her sticking by my side for as long as she can. I thank her from the bottom of my heart for being such a prayerful influence for me.

So, to wrap things up, I must say that as I wrote this, I had a big smile on my face. I am starting to see more and more how bright of a future that is ahead of me.

So thankful, and so blessed.

All For Us

God is committed to you, and isn't going anywhere.
Whether you believe it or not, He is waiting for you to run into His loving embrace.
He loves us so much: more than we will ever be able to wrap our minds around.
Imagine this: He sent His son.
His one and only son down to this earth to walk among His people.
To live..
And, to die...
On the night that He got arrested, He was praying so intensely that He was sweating blood.
Blood that would later be shed for US.
All of us.
Jesus, our precious Jesus was beaten.
Tortured.
Crucified.
All for us.
He died so that we can have a direct relationship with Him.
He died so that we could strive to be like Him.
So that we could shine His magnificent light upon this world.
So that we could have HOPE.
Love.
Grace.  
He gave away His life as the greatest sacrifice of all eternity.
All so that we can know what love means.
He felt pain and agony.
He felt betrayed.
He cried out, "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?!"
Crying and broken.
Tortured and dying.
So absolutely horrifying, yet it was for us!!
Why do we ignore His still existence after He gave His life for us?!
I cannot express enough how important it is to realize how amazing this story truly is.
Because, guess what...
JESUS, our precious Jesus...
Conquered death.
Conquered sin and all of our fears.
He did it.
All for us.
He rose again three days later, and He lives on.
In heaven.
So powerful.
So real.
All for us.
Love restored.
Hope restored.
Jesus loves us.
Time to stop ignoring Him.

Reflection

Last night, I went to my church's prayer room and spent 45 minutes praying my heart out. I was having a conversation with God like I never have before. I poured out my heart to Him, and He told me things. Many things. I was crying, yet talking, yet having a screaming match with Him. It was so intense that I didn't, and still don't know how to handle everything that was laid on my heart.

One thing was that I need to not sweat the small stuff. He said to me that that's where I need to start in growing closer to Him. I sure was put to the test over this as soon as I got home. I tried to not let it get to me, but for once, it only kinda did. It's like God was saying, "See?! If you can't trust me with the small things, then you're not gonna trust me with your everything." It hit me like, wow. I need to start working on not sweating the small stuff.

Another thing God told me was that He missed me wanting to spend time with Him. I think that's one of the reasons that I felt His presence so powerfully with me. I felt such an over whelming feeling of peace that I didn't know what to do with it. Everything within me was so calm that I couldn't help but just sit there, bask in His presence, and cry. It was so very wonderful. He was telling me that if I were to regularly spend time with Him like that, then I would feel the peace within me more often.

So, as I reflect on those and the other things that God told me, I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It will start to get better when I start to lean 100% on the Lord. I have the strength to make it through.

P.S. Short and simple... It is what it is. =P

Sorrow And Memories

Such sorrow and grief.
Struck by shocking tragedy.
So unbelievable.
Way too young.
To see so many people hurting. In such pain.
All of the grieving happens in many different ways.
It's an overwhelming feeling, almost.
Taken; ended in an instant.
So sudden.
So horrifying.
We question why God does what He does.
Yet, we trust in what His plans are. Until we one day meet Him face to face, we won't know why He chose to call her home so soon.
The Bible tells us to mourn with those who mourn.
So, we need to hold each other up, and help one another to seek God's comfort in all of this.
Even though she is no longer here on the earth with us, her legacy will forever live on.
All of the memories, texts, and phone calls.
They'll all stay with us.
So, although some of us may regret what we did or didn't say to her...
Although we wish things could've been different...
We should feel blessed.
Thankful for the short time that we got to have with her.
Some day, we will get to see her again.
But, until then, she'll be in the arms of our marvelous Maker.
Rest in peace, Jennifer.
You will be greatly missed, and will be in our hearts forever.

Happening All At Once (Part 2)

After a couple days on the struggle bus, I'm looking at today like it's brand new. The past is the past, so I can't get hung up on it. God makes all things new. Joy comes each morning, and I need to embrace it.

Now, one last big thing that I must say about everything. Even though a ton of things are going on, somewhere deep down I know that God isn't going to give me any more than I can bear. It's gonna be super difficult, but I need to start trusting Him in all aspects of my life. I'm starting to realize that if I finally go all in, then He will help me out of this pit called life. Guess who else was stuck in a pit? Joseph was in an actual pit! But, he trusted God and got out of it. Such a simple thing, yet so hard to stick with it. Joseph had so many opportunities that he could have taken to just turn away from God and stop praising Him, but he didn't. He stayed faithful in the Lord despite all of the trials that were happening in his life.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your hear and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." It's so hard to trust, though. I have been betrayed so much that trust is so foreign. Kinda sucks. But, I know that I can get through this. Trust and faith seem to go hand in hand. In order to have faith in someone, you should know that you can trust them. Same goes for God. If I start to trust Him, I can start to have complete faith in Him.

To top this off, I would like to say one more thing: Don't give up. Ever. I say that as a general statement, but more so as encouragement to myself. You're going to make it. Stick with it, and everything will turn out in the end. Maybe not the way you planned, but the way the God planned.

Keep Calm and Be Strong!

Happening All At Once (Part 1)

So much is happening... all at the same time. It feels as though the weight of everything on the planet decided to camp out on my shoulders. I appear to be staying calm and holding myself together well. But honestly... my mind is close to overload. My thoughts are jumping around; trying to solve everything all at once. Trying to make everything perfectly alright, even though that's not possible. I try to do it all on my won when I know that I can't.

If it wasn't for my best friend, I probably would've gone wacko by now. I'm praying my little heart out that he gets a job in New Castle or a surrounding area, so that when he graduates in December, we can settle into an apartment. Hopefully by then, I'll have a car. Money saved up from having a job. Enough to be able to survive. Groceries, rent, utilities, stuff for the apartment, phone bill, an actual working laptop, and enough to start saving for college and stuff next year. So, there's that part of my brain.

Another part of my brain is the part focusing on high school, homework, and graduation. A part of growing up that is just as stressful as the others. I want to graduate, so that should be motivation enough, right? Wrong! I feel so drained that I can't just sit down and focus on my work. I get distracted by simply the things on my mind.

But wait, there's more. Ever since I watched my senior slideshow (and sobbed like a baby afterwards), I have just been thinking a lot about my family, friends, and my past. It was like I watched my whole life flash before my eyes, and I kind of did. It hit me that I really am growing up. When I was little, everyone in my family got along, We did things together, gathered on holidays, and were all actually a family. But, something somewhere went wrong, and here we all are. Here and there. A broken family. I want to be able to fix it, but I know that I can't. All I can do is pray.

That is all I really feel like sharing right now. If I did though, this would be way too long. So, I guess, to be continued......

P.S. Sorry for how random and scattered this was. Lol.

Chapter 18

A whole new chapter in my life is beginning on Saturday. I am now going to be 18 years old... an adult. It's so hard to wrap my mind around. With this new chapter comes a whole lot more decisions and changes that have to be made. From college to a career. From struggles to freedoms. I don't know where I am going to start, but I should start to get my crap together.

One major thing that I need to ponder more and more is college. I don't know what I want to major in, where to go, or how I'm gonna pay for it. It's almost like I fight myself on what's going to happen. Part of me says to go for journalism... another part says go for some sort of youth ministry... the other part saying to take a break and not rush into things. The three choices battling each other inside of my head almost gives me a headache. I tell myself that I should make lists of pros and cons of each, yet I never get around to doing it. Call me the procrastinator of the century.

Then, I debate on where I want to even go... where I want to apply... all that jazz. I know that I don't make the grades to get into places like Purdue or Indiana University. I don't have the money to go to places like Taylor or IWU or Franklin. Ball State just keeps coming to mind, but there's still a little part of me that doubts that is the right place for me. No matter where I go though, one of the biggest struggles is going to be of the financial variety.

Another thing about college that seriously freaks me out is my spiritual well-being. This is why I want to go to a Christian school, and Ball State doesn't fit that criteria. The negative side of me sees myself getting in with the wrong crowd: drinking and partying, etc. I don't want to be that kind of person. The positive side of me sees myself continuing to strive to better my relationship with God: staying faithful within my church and spending some one on one time with Him. Again though, I talk about these things, but don't ever sit and think about how I am going to better myself.

College aside, there are other things in my life that need to happen. From this point on, I am determined to stay strong. Ask people for help instead of trying to do all these things on my own. Pray more, read my Bible more, praise more... All things that are very possible. I'm not just going to say it this time: I'm going to make the change happen. 

Next thing, I have to get better with staying accountable. I have to be 100% honest in order to get better. Instead of bottling everything up, I'm going to start opening up more with myself, my accountability partner, and most importantly with God. Doing this will help lead me to more truth, and more freedom and victory. It will help to better my prayer life and relationships with God and others. 

Another thing in this new chapter that I'm gonna be working on is living the unashamed life. I'm going to represent Christ in every single aspect possible. I'm going to be a light, and share His love. Gonna start living for God seven days a week instead of just on Wednesdays and Sundays. It's gonna take baby steps, though. Progress is progress. 

Well, I believe that chapter 18 of my life is going to be a good one. I'm determined that it's going to be. It's my goal to he drama free and just full of happiness and joy. 

Prayers would be appreciated as I make my way through this journey. 

Freedom

There are time when I feel like I'm absolutely crashing to rock bottom, and there are time when I feel like I'm soaring high. 

Tonight I have made a decision. Any addiction-depression-doubt-guilt-etc. that is taking over my life right now, I am DEMANDING it in Jesus name to get out of my life. I am DONE. 

I'm sick and tired of feeling like my life is a mess, like everything is spiraling out of control: Jesus died for me, brutally, so I can be free. So, why let this sadness and darkness overcome me any longer?!?! 

I am a child of the One True King, and Satan no longer had a grip on my life. I'm waving my white flag because I now belong to God. No turning back. I'm never going back to the Jewell that I was. I am new, and finally happy. 

It's time for me to actually live the change instead of just talk about. Things are different this time. This feeling of total surrender and reckless abandon is one that I am feeling right now, but cannot explain in words. 

God, 

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for delivering me; for setting me free. 

I praise you for the amount of love that you have for me: it will always remain. 

You are so holy, and I cannot wait to someday spend all of eternity in your presence. 

My everything is yours, God. 

Amen!!!! 

Things Gone Wrong

My life is like a spiral. 

Spinning faster and faster. 

Out of control. 

Or maybe it's like an ocean. 

Chaotic waves crashing all around me. 

A lifeless soul gasping for some air. 

Things are not going right at all. 

It's all wrong. 

Nothing should be going the way it is. 

Why is everything so out of control? 

Why is the darkness closing in? 

Why can't I feel happy anymore? 

I feel like all I do anymore is complain. 

Yet, discuss about victory. 

Up and down... Up and down... 

Like the world's largest roller coaster of emotions. 

Is it a mental thing? 

Physical? 

Spiritual? 

Maybe it's a combination of the three. 

Only God knows. 

If He really is all-knowing and stuff. 

I know He is. 

Yet, I still question everything. 

When it comes to helping others with their faith, I do just fine. 

Why can't I help myself grow, though?! 

All I want is for the questions to go away. 

I want the feeling of fresh faith to come back... And to stay. 

I want to be able to rejoice in my suffering, instead of just talking about it. 

I should feel like I love to pray, instead of feeling like its something I have to do. 

I should long to get ahold of my Bible and read it everyday, instead of forcing myself to crack it open. 

See... It's all so wrong. 

It shouldn't be this way. 

It's not okay. 

There is only one thing that I need to start doing in order to change these things. 

I absolutely have to hit my knees, and pray my little heart out. 

God, 

I am begging you for your mercy. 

I'm crying out to you, oh, abba father. 

My heart is shattered, and only you can put it back together. 

I pray they you would give me a desire for your love, again. 

I can't do this alone, anymore. 

Amen. 

I Am Victorious

Victory is such a sweet thing.
It puts a smile on my ace that only God could give me.
It gives me a feeling in my stomach that can never be replaced.
Praises and hallelujahs come from me.
The sense of knowing that I've overcome a big obstacle with God's help is the happiest thing ever.
All the glory goes to Him, though.
I take zero credit.
Without Jesus, it's not possible.
As I go out and lie, I still have to trust Him with my absolute all.
I need to start praying more; worrying less.
Rejoicing more; pondering less.
Embracing more; running less.
I have finally gotten where I need to be; broken before God and ready for more of Him.
No more running away or backing down.
No more getting scared and avoiding it.
I have the right people, place, and resources in my life to finally make this change happen.
I have everyone who supports me, willing to help me.
What am I waiting for?!

Jesus,
I am ready.
For divine intervention.
For ultimate collision.
I can't do it without You, God.
Not anymore.
I'm handing over complete control of my everything.
I am Yours.
Where You lead me, I will go.
I will follow.
I am Yours, and Yours alone.
God, I pray that You would allow me to know You more, and learn more about You in miraculous ways.
I long to feel Your presence, heavily, and I am thankful that You give us all a chance to feel that.
Whatever it takes, God.
I'm willing to do whatever it is You want me to do.
I want a deeper and more intimate relationship with You.
I just want less of me, and more of You.
Even though I am so undeserving of all of this, Your grace comes into the picture and makes it possible.
Thank You, Jesus.
I love You.
Amen!

Life Is A Journey

"Life is a journey, not so much to a destination, but a transformation. Looking back, doesn't it feel like our richest times come right in the midst of our hardest? But God made us to live in community, to laugh and to cry. To hurt and to celebrate with each other, no matter what we're going through. And transformation is tough, and we don't always end up where we think we will. But we have to remember, that even when we struggle to believe in Him, He always believes in us. He fills our lives with purpose and passion, if we just let Him. And the best part of the journey, is that the God of the universe, sometimes allows us to play a part in changing the world. Isn't that a trip?" ~Chris Vaughn (To Save A Life)

I can never tell where my life's journey is going. My senior year of high school starts in 3 days, and I don't feel prepared at all. I realized today that I'm gonna have to seriously start looking at colleges. I have to decide on a major that's right for me. It seems as though my life is flashing before my eyes, and I don't know what to do or where to go.

I know that God has big plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), but I find myself not knowing how to embrace those plans. With everything flying at me at full speed, I have learned to block out/ignore God. That's awful of me, I know, but I can't help it sometimes. Instead of embracing Him, I walk the opposite direction. But, since God is a gentleman, He isn't going to force Himself into my life. That would be why I need to come to my senses and just hit my knees and ask Him for help.

Honestly, I feel like I'm just babbling. But, oh well. The quote I put at the beginning is something that I read often. It has so much meaning, but I just read it like I'm supposed to magically understand it. Kinda like I feel about life. Like I should just be able to instantly understand it. But, either way, I can keep trying.

No matter how stressed out I get, I'm just gonna keep reading that quote, the Bible, and trusting God. Sorry the random babbling in this one. Just had to get my thoughts out.

To My Friend

Dear Friend,
You know who you are.

I'm sorry that I can't help you like I would like to.
I'm sorry that the help you need, I can't give you.
I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much.
I'm so sorry that you feel like there is no hope.

I pray for you every single day: the same prayer.
I ask God to let you know that He still loves you.
I always beg Him to show Himself to you in a drastic way.
I pray for you to get a desire to change: that God would just snap His fingers, and all of this will be over for you: but, I know it's not that easy.

I try to talk to you, and give you wise words.
I attempt to encourage you everyday: especially when you are struggling.
Yet, I feel like I don't do enough.
I feel like, I'm not giving it my all to try and stop you.
"There's gotta be something more that I can do," I think to myself.

It literally pains me to see you suffer: to know that you are so numb.
It brings me to tears every time you give in because I again couldn't stop you.

There are times when I blame myself because I don't feel like I'm being supportive enough.
I just want to hug you, and tell you that everything is going to be okay, but I can't do that: you live too far away.
 I guess that's why I literally text you all of the time: to tell myself that it's gonna distract you.
Too bad it doesn't always work that way.

I don't really know what else to say, except this:
Please forgive me for not being able to give you the help that you need.
For not always being there for you no matter how hard I try to be.
Please forgive me for always shoving Jesus down your throat: you've gotten enough of that your whole life.

I will end with this: I love you like a brother, and I don't know what I would do without you. You are my best friend, and the best one I could ever ask for.
Stay strong. The struggle will end soon, and redemption will have the victory.

Sincerely,
Jewell.

P.S. Thanks for being awesome.

As Time Goes By

Growing up really sucks. I turn 18 in one month and one day, and it is still crazy to wrap my mind around. I will be an adult. That's so weird to think about. I will be graduating this year, and then going off to college. I seriously cannot believe how fast time truly does fly.

It seems like just yesterday I was walking into my very first day of kindergarten: wearing my little blue and gray plaid jumper dress. Thinking I was the coolest little kid ever because I had the powerpuff girls backpack... with sparkles. I had the big box of crayons, instead of that lousy 24 pack, so I felt like the queen of the classroom. Next week would be my birthday, and everyone would love me for bringing in cupcakes, so I would be friends with everyone. Then there was naptime. Oh how I hated it, but would give anything to have it back. Haha.

Then, seven years go by, and I am going into seventh grade. Middle school. I felt so awesome and felt like a teenager, finally. It's like I could have a fresh start, and make a ton more new friends. I thought I was set because I made cheerleading, so I was a happy camper. I made amazing grades, and things didn't seem to be so stressful just yet. I loved having my very own locker, and loved going around from class to class. I felt like I was too cool for school. Then, eighth grade came along. Sure, I was still a cheerleader, but things started getting stressful. Things at home were just ridiculous, and it showed. My personality changed. My whole attitude about everything changed. My great-grandpa had died that year, so that didn't help matters, either.

Next comes freshman year. It had a rocky start, but I made the best of it. I was crushed because I didn't make cheerleading, but I made show choir, so I was content with that. I had my show choir family, so I didn't care how things were at home, really because I was hardly ever there with all the practices and stuff. But, even though I was gaining friends and a social life, I was losing hope and confidence. Second semester that year, my life began a journey. I became friends with this very outgoing character named Kenton. We had study hall together, and he sat right behind me. I can remember this day so clearly: he looked at me and said, "Are you okay? You seem down." I go, "Yeah, of course. I'm totally fine. Just tired is all." He said, "That's the biggest lie I've ever heard come out of your mouth." That caught me off guard, so I just kinda stared at him. He continued, and said, "Jewell, I feel like you're missing something in your life. Do you think you'd wanna come to church with me?" I said, "No thanks. I'm good." He said, "Well, too bad. You're coming anyways. I'll pick you up on Sunday. Where do you live?" Little did I know, that by doing that, he changed my life forever. That same year, I met who would later become one of my very best friends, Philip.

Sophomore year, at the very beginning, I gave my life to the Lord, and I accepted Him as my Savior. Best decision ever, I might add. But, then, my life got rocky. Even though I was living for God, things got really bad and difficult for me. I moved back in with my mom, and it was the most stressful thing ever. Things were sailing smoothly, and just dandy. But, honestly, I felt myself spinning deeper into a pit.

Junior year came along, finally. Things at home started to suck more and more and more. It got to the point where I never wanted to be home. Ever. But, it's okay. I finally met my other two best friends: Ethan and Libby. They, along with Philip, have come to my rescue many times. But, the whole YOC thing happened, and I just gave up pretty much. Second semester, though, David comes along. He invites me to come to church with him. Since things at my other church were getting kinda sketchy, I decided to give it a shot. Little did I know, I'd still be going there to this day. But, anyways, junior year was just a bunch of crazy madness.

Now, here I sit, a week until the start of my senior year. I find myself thinking about my future, and how quick my life is going by. It seems like all of these years have just flown by, and I haven't been living it fully like God intends for me to do. I am literally letting my life slip away, and I don't seem to care. I spend my time complaining about how bad things are, when I should be praising God for how far He's brought. I think about, "what if," but don't ever act upon my dreams. God is telling me to embrace who I am and what I want to do, but here I sit worrying about how it's gonna happen.

Dear God,
I pray that you would help me to just calm down and stop stressing about the future that You are planning for me. I want to realize how much I need to rely on You for all of this because I don't think I do. Help me to give 100% control to You, God, for I cannot do this on my own. I pray that as this year goes by, that You would  show me the baby steps that You want/need me to take, to make it.
"My life is not my own. To You I belong. I give myself, I give myself to You."
Amen.  

The First Move

I find myself asking so many questions anymore. Questions about life and why things happen the way that they do. I often wonder how things would have been if I had done one little thing differently, or if I hadn't met a person. I question these things, maybe because I am on a search for hope. I think about the things in my past that I could have changed, that could have changed the outcome, and maybe things wouldn't be the way that they are right now. 

But, is that really what I want? My past to change? No. I just want some hope and peace and rest so badly, that I blame my past for why I don't have those things now. 

Now, I know that with God in my life, I have these things. The thing is though, I am too blinded by the world to realize it. I am too busy asking all the questions and wondering that  I completely forget that my God is waiting for me to hit my knees and just cry out to Him for mercy. 

I need to get myself to realize that it's okay to ask God why. It's okay to run a million miles an hour into His open and loving embrace. 

He can't help me, if I don't ask. Such a simple thing, but yet so hard to do. Become broken and weak before the Lord, so I can seek shelter in Him. It sounds so marvelous. Yet, I still find myself holding back, which is really dumb of me. I know the things that I need to do to have some change in my life. So, I need to start pushing myself, because I can't just sit back. It won't happen that way. God is a gentleman, and He won't force Himself to come back into my life. I have to make the first move. 

Dear God, 

I miss You. I love You. 

I can't go on any farther without You, anymore. 

My life is full of so much chaos. 

I want You back. I need You. 

I see You everywhere, and I feel You with me all of the time. 

I desire for Your arms to wrap around me. 

You are my Daddy. 

I can't thank You enough for bringing me as far as You already have, and I know that You have big plans for me to go farther. 

Rescue me, again, God. 

Amen. 

Anything Can Be Redeemed

After my week at CIY Move, I can not stop smiling. It was amazing to see God doing such amazing work. It made me happy to see my friends and I worshiping with reckless abandon. I loved it how we just gave God our all, and how our lives changed. 

But, one thing that we all need to remember is this: we may be on fire now because of our amazing week, but we need to work hard and stay faithful to God in order for the changes we made to stay in our lives. We have to keep each other accountable and pray with all we've got. The things of this world and the devil will try his best to bring us down. But, our victory in Jesus says that he has no grip on us and our lives. 

"Things will happen. Time will change. But, Your love remains." 

These lyrics are so full of truth. No matter what life throws our way, God will never love us any more or any less. That is probably the greatest thing that I learned this week. 

Now, one of the speakers, Michael DeFazio, spoke some words of truth straight from God. The title of one of his messages was, "Anything Can Be Redeemed." It really got to me. After he finished speaking, I went back to my dorm and thought about what he said. 

Anything can be redeemed. 

That's the beautiful thing about God, and how He works. 

Even though it can be hard to understand what God is doing, trust Him anyways. 

Even though we may feel like God isn't faithful, He still is anyways. 

Life isn't always going to go like you expect it to go. 

Nothing can happen to you, that God can't redeem. 

Disasters happen. 

Tragedies happen. 

The words, "anything/everything happens for a reason," are inaccurate. 

No matter what happens in between, the story is going to reach the conclusion that God designed it to reach. 

Anything can be redeemed. 

So, no matter what happens, and no matter where we all end up, we will always remember our amazing week at CIY Move. We all made some big decisions for Jesus, and I pray that we all stick to the decisions that we made.   

Don't Stop The Madness

Everything in my life right now seems to be overbearing and unnecessary to me right now. I feel like I'm not strong enough to handle it. I feel like it's just never going to stop. It's really incredibly irritating. It's like I can't do anything right. But, I know that's not true. I need to stop telling lies to myself. 

I tell myself that all of this crap is my fault. But, it's not. 
I tell myself that I could have stopped it from happening. But, I couldn't have. 
I tell myself that it's pointless to try to change. But, it's not true. 
I tell myself that I'm too scared. But, my faith is bigger than my fears. 

God tells me that everything is going to be okay. But, I ignore Him. 
God tries to embrace me with arms wide open. But, I push Him away. 
God sends me people and signs to help me out. But, I am purposely oblivious to them. 
God wakes me up everyday to live for Him. But, I don't ever thank Him. 

I'm starting to see a pattern here. It's that I am way too hard on myself. I focus to much on the negative because it is all I've ever known. When I see sparks of positive, I try to shade them out because I am too scared to see it. It's almost as though I'm just too stuck. Too stuck in my own thoughts. And, too stuck in the world. 

I know that God isn't going to force me to do anything that I don't want to do. But, He knows that I want to change. Which is why I always feel His presence so strongly with me. He is with me in my darkest. When I'm weak. When my spirit and emotions are dead. 

What I need to realize is that none of this is happening just because. There is a time and a reason for everything, and God controls it (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I need to realize that all of this has a purpose and it is to make me stronger. To give me a testimony. To give me the pushes that I need to strengthen my faith. To make me stronger in my walk with Jesus. It's not happening just to make me miserable, even though it may seem that way. 

I need to be thanking God for giving me tough battles to make me a tougher soldier. I will be able to make it through. I know I can. If I properly equip myself with God's full armor (Ephesians 6:12), then I can make it through whatever is thrown my way. 

I should embrace the battles, and give them all that I have. I need to stay strong. I should pray more. Worry less. Trust God. Trust God. Trust God. 

"All I hear is what they're selling me
That God is love, he isn't suffering
And what you need's a little faith and prosperity
But, oh my God, I know there's more than this
If you promise pain it can't be meaningless
So make me poor if that's the price for freedomDon't stop the madness
Don't stop the chaos
Don't stop the pain surrounding me
Don't be afraid, Lord, to break my heart
If it brings me down to my knees, yeah."

Short And Simple To My Fathers

Earlier this year, my best friend, Philip, (www.pahannum.blogspot.com) sent me the best message I have ever received. It said, "Then why be all dramatic with this whole not having a dad thing, when you know that GOD replaces that void? I mean, I can only imagine what it is like not to have an earthly father, but the way I see it is that you have the better end of the deal because what you have is an eternal Father who is NEVER going to leave you. He will ALWAYS be there for you when you are having a bad day and when you have problems and issues that need to be dealt with. An earthly father can't make those promises. An earthly father isn't always there. So, yes, you may not have someone to call dad, but what you have is something better: someone to call ABBA FATHER."  

I can easily say that that message impacted me, and every single time I read it, it continues to put a smile on my face. It reminds me that I need to not be so mopey on Father's Day.

So, here's a huge Happy Father's Day to Jesus. My life would be a complete disaster without You. Even though I'm too stuck in the world to know this sometimes, but You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I pray that You would continue to use me in marvelous ways. I can't thank You enough for saving me. You are the rock at the bottom, and the Most High. I praise You.

Also, a Father's Day shout out to PJ. He has sort of taken on a roll as an earthly father to me. He has showed me love and how family is supposed to be. He continues to show me how to live for God with reckless abandon and that, "God is love. Love always wins." Even when I would try to avoid him, he would know what to say to get me to come back. He would pray, and let God work in His timing to help me through so much. He has real and sincere prayers, and is such an amazing man of God. Love ya, PJ.

And, to my real father. I don't know you, but I love you anyways. Happy Father's Day.

This day has been rough, but if it weren't for my best friends Philip, Libby, Ethan, and Jerrod helping me to focus on the positive, it would have been much harder. So blessed to know that I'm never alone.

For Father's Day And My Father

There's so much that is on my heart and on my mind tonight. I don't know where to start without just rambling on and on... kind of like I'm doing right now, I guess. I suppose that there is one major thing that is lingering in my noggin. Father's Day.

Father's Day is in eight days. Oh, goody. It is literally one of the hardest days of the year for me. I feel like no matter how hard I try, it always will be. Gosh, I sound so bitter... and, truth be told, I kind of am. It's something I can be working on.

Let me start with the story of my earthly father, and why I am so bitter towards even the word father. Well, when I was just a baby, my father got arrested and sent to prison as a child molester. So, I never knew him, and still don't. I used to think it was normal not to have a dad, because I didn't know it to be any other way. As I grew older, and still continue to grow, I am starting to feel that gap of where a father's love should be. I see TV shows with dads and get emotional. I see movies about dads and get emotional. I see other people having fun with their dads, and I feel a big wide load of jealousy.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that God, my heavenly Father is the one who is supposed to fill the gap. But, here's the thing. I'm not letting Him. I'm too scared to fully go all in and let him fill that gaping whole. I struggle to call him my heavenly Father, because I associate the word father with nothing good. But, there's that part of me that's saying, "Jewell, come on. Get over it and go for God." But, it's so much easier to say and way harder to do. It's overwhelming almost to think about God being able to fill that gap. To think of me actually being happy.

Also, I want to make it known that I'm not saying there haven't been guys that haven't invested in my life as a fatherly figure. At my old church, the pastor took on a roll as my dad. And, I treasure that he still sort of is that to me. But, it's still not the same, ya know?! He knows how much it meant to me, but he also understands that it will never be the same as having my birth father be my father.

I also have noticed something about this whole situation. It got me too emotionally attached to an older guy. I guess you could say that I had a head over heels crush on him. I did. I thought he was the one. I thought I loved him. But, he saw me as just a friend. And, even though I told myself it was a feeling of love I had towards him, I'm starting to realize more and more each day that it's because he, in a way, took on the roll of what a father could be in my life. Made me laugh. Drove me places. I'm so young, but yet it took a complete drop of contact with him to realize this. Yes, I miss him as a friend like crazy. But, maybe this is for the best.

I want to end this with - if I could write my real earthly father a letter, this is what it would say.
Dear Aaron,
Hey, it's me, MaKayla. Your daughter. I go by Jewell. And, hey, I have your last name. You've never been in my life, but I still love you. It's what I do- I love people. And, I'm truly sorry for any mean thoughts I've had about you, and for the ones that I've verbalized. I'd just like to say that as my life goes on, I can't help but wonder what you are like. You're out of jail, now, so there is a small part of me that wants to me you. I am kinda scared, but it would make me happy.
Your mom has sort of been a part of my life. She always remembers my birthday, and thinks of me on holidays. She's a great person. Every time she sees me, she gives me a big hug. I often wonder if she talks to you about me, or shows you pictures of me.
So, here's the thing. Even though it may be kind of awkward at first, I want to meet you. I want you to be a part of my life. I'm graduating this year. Yep, I'm a senior now. And, it would mean the world to me if you would come to my graduation and to my open house. And, I always picture you walking me down the aisle at my wedding and having a dance with me.
I'm sorry if this is a lot for you to take in, but it's been on my heart for a while, now. I want you in my life, even though there will be some kinks to work out at first. And, my mom won't really approve of it at all. But, hey, if we ever decide to meet, I have an awesome youth pastor who I would ask to tag along, and I hope he'd be willing to come. We may hug, or just shake hands. Or, not even that. But, to actually see you face to face someday will be enough for me.
Thanks for reading this, and I hope that we contact each other very soon.
Love, or sincerely,
MaKayla Jewell Dalton

The Unmasked Girl

So, there's this thing that I wear that seems to be glued to my face. It's called a mask. Every time I go to remove it, a sticky situation comes up, and the mask hardens. I blame my environment, or the people I hang out with. But, truly, I am the only one to blame. 

This mask just so happens to have multiple personalities. The first one, a happy-holy-Christian girl with no problems in the world. That mask is a big one for me. People think it's the real me, but it's fake. It's so obviously fake that some people just don't realize it. They ask me to pray for them, and I say that I will... but I don't always do that... which is not okay. They see how I post about God and talk about Him all the time. But, I only do it because it makes me look strong. And, I'm too scared to show that I am truly just as weak as they appear to be to me. I hang out with people from my youth group. Just to make myself look like they're the good influence kind of friends for me. When, truly, I don't feel like I belong with them in the slightest little bit. 

The second mask, a carefree-hang loose-have tons of fun with my not so Christian friends girl. I pretty much hide God when I'm with them, or talking to them. He rarely comes up. Unless His name is being taken in vain, and I don't defend Him like I should. I love those friends because they are so good to me, but I hate that masked version of myself. Why can't I be the Christian girl who hangs out with them, and doesn't let them influence me?! Don't even get me started on my language when I am with them. Not good. Something to work on. 

The third mask, is the me that I am when I am at home. When I'm at home, I'm pretty much a loner who throws a lonely pity party. It's pathetic. That's all that needs to be said about that version of myself. 

Then, there's the real me. MaKayla Jewell Dalton. Not a whole lot of people have seen or even known the real me. The unmasked girl. Who is that girl?! Let me tell you. I am a girl who is in love with Jesus Christ; more and more each day. But, I struggle to stay so strong in my faith in Him. I battle with myself all of the time. I blame myself for pretty much everything that goes wrong. I am calm, yet jittery. I have anxiety attacks. I want to know what it's like to have a dad, and have a dad's love. I hate Father's Day. I want my relationship with my mom to get better, but just can't wrap my mind around why it doesn't ever improve. I don't have a lot of true friends, but cherish the ones that I do have. I don't say thank you or I love you to people as much as I need to. I have a broken and shattered family, and often dream what it would be like if I could fix it. But, I know that I can't. 

I am an imperfect person, loved by a perfect God. That's the real me. Plain and simple. Twists and turns. In the end, I always learn in every single situation that I need to rely fully on God, and to not let the things of this world get in the way of that. He has such big plans for my future (Jeremiah 29:11), and I am not going to let my masks get in the way of that future, anymore. 

Dry Bones

Gonna keep this one short and sweet. 

"Dry bones dance. 

Dry bones sing. 

Dry bones stand up and get up and live. 

Oh, Lord. Speak into the silence. 

Breathe upon the lifeless. 

Wake us up from slumber." 

Dry bones. 

Dry spirits. 

Is there even really a difference? 

Ezekiel Chapter 37 talks about how God told Ezekiel to speak the Word to the valley of dry bones. 

Skeletons, yes. 

He was speaking God's Word to skeletons. 

They were lifeless. 

Kinda like we can be... Unless The Lord moves upon the scene. 

But, spirits can be dead too. 

Taken so easily by the devil. 

Be a fighter. 

Step up to the plate for God. 

Be whatever He wants you to be. 

Keep speaking life into the darkness. 

Fully rely on Him, and keep focus on His Word. 

You don't wanna become the living dead any time soon. 

Rejoice in The Lord, and be glad that He had the power to wake up dry bones and let them live! 

Here's a link to the song I quoted at the beginning. So good. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fVHT9VcfCN8 

Flashback

I think of one little memory, and I start to have a flashback of the entire situation. It still makes me cringe, and it still ticks me off. Hard to forgive. Even harder to forget. I remember it more clearly than I've ever remembered anything. It's not all negative. It lead into positive, I believe. My life, and my world got flipped upside down completely. Never told it quite like this before, but this is my story.

It all started to go downhill when they moved in. I don't adjust well to change. Clearly. Her so-called "friends." Things were all hunky-dory and happy at first. But, then, she decided to play me and her against each other. Punches were thrown. Words were said. Unforgettable. Our relationship was gone in a flash like a deer being shot down during hunting season. I thought you were different, but I was obviously wrong.

As things were escalating, I seemed to be growing farther and farther away from God. I just couldn't wrap my mind around why He was letting all of this stuff happen to me. It didn't seem fair. I was innocent, but pegged as guilty. False testimony. I was devastated. It felt as though I was literally stabbed in the back. Like my heart was ripped out and run over by a semi.

Then, I went to Texas for a field trip. One of the best weeks of my life. But, then, I had to come home. Only to find complete and total chaos. The trashed my room. It was a disaster. I didn't know what to do. My life was officially tangled. And, I'm saying, at least a zillion knots. I had given up on happiness. And, worse, on God. I felt as though nothing could be done, and I would never get the help I thought I needed. I just wanted to run away. I wanted to escape more than anything.

Two weeks leading up to Christmas were the worst ever. Being locked up in that hell hole was so very unnecessary. Nasty food. Cold showers. Violence. Frightening. Truth was finally out, and I was set free. My life was still very stirred, though. I was scarred. I was changed, but not for the better. It made me juts completely bitter towards life. I saw no point in it. I was at the deepest point of depression I had ever been at.

It was after Christmas before I ever went back to church. I lost some friends. Some relationships were crushed. Things at school were awkward. I was worried what people would think if they ever found out. But, even then, things were never going to be the same.

Once her and I patched things up the best we could, I thought there was some hope. But, things at church felt too weird. God was having different plans for my life.

My life went on,  and I kept trying to be in control. But, I still couldn't find the happiness I was looking for. Then, he came along. he  decided to be a friend to me. Invited me to come to church with him. Little did I know, that's just what I needed.

My new church. My new friends. My 3 older best friends. It's all I could ever ask for.

As, the flashback slowly fades away, I realize something. And, that something is that God will always be there for me. No matter what.

My life may be a scattered mess. Like, all the time. No joke. So what?! God loves me anyways. And, always remember that if you truly trust God, listen to what He says. Don't doubt Him. That will get you no where. I promise.

And,, when you feel weak, remember Philippians 4:13. Cliche', I know. But, who cares?! It's still so good, and will forever be my favorite. It's the best reminder ever. You're strong enough to make it.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  

Anxiety Attack

So much madness.
So much chaos.
There's nothing but noise.
Sounds of life echoing among each other.
I lose my breath.
I catch it.
I think this.
I think that.
Shaking.
My nerves going haywire.
I silently panic, but keep it to myself.
No specific thing.
Just pure stress.
All of everything in my head.
All the words running together.
Edge of tears.
Driving me crazy.
Goes on for a little while longer.
Lingers even more.
Anxiety.
Haunts me.
It attacks like a cougar.
Hits you when you least expect it.
Never prepared.
Anxiety attack.
It's so controlling.
It makes even the slightest thing get on my nerves.
Trying to stay calm.
Trying to take deep breaths.
It pierces my lungs like a sword.
It hurts.
It's exhausting.
Makes me dizzy.
What's spinning?
The room or my head?
Why won't it stop?!
Why can't I control it?!
Can't focus.
Gotta hide it.
My mind is elsewhere.
No, it's everywhere.
Don't act nervous.
Trying not to panic.
It's almost over.
Keep pushing through it.
Keep breathing.
Finally.
It's over.
Feels like a heavy weight's been removed from my chest.
Like a brick's been removed from my head.
I can breathe again.
My world is calm again.

Points Of View

From my point of view,
my side makes sense.
How I lost my trust.
From your point of view,
it's only a pity party.
How it doesn't make sense.
For me,
I don't see it as a problem.
Nothing wrong with venting.
For you,
you see this as a big problem.
Venting is only complaining.
I think,
you're in the wrong.
Your sarcasm makes me angry.
You think,
I'm in the wrong.
I need to stop taking offense to your sarcasm.
I understand,
you're only trying to make a point.
You understand,
that I'm just too upset to appreciate your point.
I shut down,
and I try to sleep it off.
You open up,
and blog your logical thoughts.
I wake up,
and read your blog.
It slaps my face like a brick.
You keep sleeping,
and you know I'll notice it eventually.
You'll eventually see my apologies.
I realize,
that your point of view is the right one.
You told me what I needed to hear.
It's like what you wrote,
was a storybook.
More like an inspirational story.
I learned from it.
It spoke to me.
Kind of like a letter.
Indirectly written, though it was clearly meant for me.
I'm sorry.
And, I thank you.
This pity party is over.