Out With The Old, In With The New

2017 has been the best year of my entire life. It has also been the worst year of my entire life. I know that might not make sense, really, but if you know half of what I’ve been through this year, then you understand. 

In February, my husband left for Basic Military Training for the United States Air Force. It was really rough on me because about a week after he left, I had a hunch that I was pregnant. The middle of March, I found out that it was true. I was pregnant with a precious little Baby McComas. I hated that Matt was away and had to miss the whole first half of the pregnancy, but I knew that everything was going to be okay. I told him through a letter about being pregnant. Then, he got a phone call about a week after he got the letter. He told me how happy he was about our tiny human. Then, I got his letter talking about how excited he was. 

In April, I got to fly to Texas to see Matt graduate from BMT. I was so happy to see him after being apart for so long. We were so happy and full of joy to finally be together again. I still remember us laying down to take a nap and him rubbing my belly and talking to our little baby. It made my heart so happy. I was there for a span of four days, and when the time came to go home, it was awful. I cried the entire way back to the hotel. Saying goodbye to him AGAIN was absolutely terrible. But, I knew that I would get to see him again soon. 

The end of May and into the first week of June, I got to see my husband again. My pregnant belly was starting to show at that point, so that was cool. He got to give my belly kisses and rub it and talk to it. We didn’t know yet if Baby McComas was a boy or a girl. (We had our fingers crossed for a girl though. ;)) It was a great week getting to be together again, but there was just a different feeling in the atmosphere this time when we said goodbye. I was extremely emotional, and he was sad too, but something still just felt different. 

Then, July came along. The month of Matt’s return and my baby shower. Little did I know, that those two things were gonna be on the same day. He surprised me and came home in time to be at the baby shower. Running into his arms and hugging and kissing him was the best feeling in the entire world. It was one of my absolute favorite memories of 2017. The joy that we both felt was so real and genuine. A couple of days after that, we went to my OBGYN and found out that we were going to be having a little baby girl!!!! We were so very excited and happy!!!! Arial Rose McComas was the name that we had picked out together on our first Valentine’s Day together. So, that’s the name that we stuck with. The day we found out the gender is also the day that he got to hear her adorable little fast heartbeat for the first time. It was such a surreal moment for the both of us. 

As July progressed, things started to change. I could tell that Matt wasn’t really very happy, but we were trying to work things out and make every moment good. Then, at the end of July, we embarked on our journey to California. Leaving my home was one of the hardest things that I have ever done, but I loved my husband so much, that I did it anyways. Love is a sacrifice. 

When we got there finally and got on our feet and found a place of our own to live, that’s when things really went downhill. In August, Matt approached me and told me that he wanted to talk. Little did I know, that conversation was going to change my life forever. He told me that he wanted to get a divorce. I thought for sure that I would be able to talk him out of it and earn his love back, but I sadly, was not able to do that. I couldn’t bear it. Living with someone you love wholeheartedly who doesn’t love you back is absolutely horrific. It’s like forgiving someone who isn’t sorry (which eventually I will also have to do). Besides being crazy and emotional anyways because of being pregnant, it literally flipped my world upside down and I cried and cried and cried because I just felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and ran over by a semi. 

I was beginning to accept the divorce and learning to move on and be okay with the things that were going on. I really was. Matt and I were getting along fairly well, and learning to be friends. 

Flash forward to November: when things reeeeally got crazy. On November 13th at 5:30 am, my water broke. I was so nervous and scared to death. I didn’t feel like I was ready or prepared for anything that was about to happen to me. 30 hours later, on November 14th at 11 am, Arial Rose McComas made her appearance into the world. It was the happiest (and most painful, hahaha) moment of my entire life. As soon as I got to hold her and look into her eyes, I fell in love. I had never felt such joy. I had never loved anyone or anything as much as I loved that little baby girl. I still cannot put into words how happy that she makes me. She is reason that I live and breathe. 

As for the rest of November, I’d rather not even talk about it. I would actually erase it if I could. All except for the priceless and precious and amazing moments of being able to be a mommy the best little girl in the entire world. But, long story short, I am back home in Indiana now. Where I belong and where I need to be. Now, I’m not too fond of the arctic weather outside and neither is my daughter, but it’s okay. Haha. 

While 2017 was so amazing because it gave me my daughter, I’m glad that it is over and that I get a fresh start in 2018. I’m going to make the best of my situation and live my life the best that I can. I am going to be the best mommy that I can be and give my girl the best life that she can possibly have. It’s going to be it with the old, and in with the new. 

So, goodbye to 2017 and hello to 2018. I hope that everyone has a safe, blessed, and happy new year. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

I Hate You, I Love You

Dear person, 

You know who you are. 

I miss you. 

I shouldn’t, but I do. 

I really shouldn’t. 

You hurt me in a way I never thought possible. 

The pain I’m feeling is out of this world. 

You were the only person from home who I talked to everyday. 

You’re the only one who checked on me daily. 

You’re the one person I thought would never betray or hurt me. 

You were supposed to be my best friend. 

You were supposed to stay in my life forever. 

You were supposed to be there for me through this really hard time in my life. 

Instead, you made the hard time even harder. 

I was starting to accept the things that were happening to me. 

I was just beginning to be okay with moving back home. 

I was accepting that he had moved on. 

But, it shouldn’t have been with you. 

You should’ve said no. 

You should’ve known that it would kill me... kill our friendship. 

You say these things just happen, but it shouldn’t have even crossed your mind. 

You knew/know how I still feel about him. 

I hate that after all of this, I still love you... and him. 

I hate that I miss talking to you every single day. 

I looked forward to our phone calls and Snapchats. 

I thought I could trust you to never screw me over. 

But, I was wrong. 

Very wrong. 

You shattered my heart. 

You destroyed me. 

My heart is broken into a million little pieces. 

You could have anyone on this planet that you want, but you went for the ONE that had stolen my heart. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. 

My brain fights with me everyday about you. 

Every time I even think about picking up my phone just to text you and say hey, my brain stops me. 

It HURTS me to hear your name. 

It makes me sick to my stomach to picture you with him. 

It makes me cry when I see a picture of you. 

It makes a pain in my chest appear when I start to miss you. 

I hate myself for not hating you. 

I hate that I miss you so much. 

I hate that I want to just hug you. 

I hate that I can’t trust you anymore. 

I hate that you did this to me. 

I hate that you’re not even sorry. 

I hate myself for not being good enough. 

I hate that I feel like I’m the problem here, when I literally did nothing wrong. 

I should be used to people hurting me at this point. 

I should be used to people walking out of my life at this point. 

But, this time it’s different. 

This pain is a deeper pain than I have ever felt before in my entire life. 

The things I’m feeling are unlike any other. 

I hate everything about this entire situation. 

I hate that everything is forever ruined. 

But, most of all, I hate how much I miss you....... 

A Little Thank You Note

Matthew, 

Thank you for being the best daddy ever to our little Arial. 

She is made from love, and nothing will ever change that. 

I love watching you when you’re with her, and I love the way that her little eyes look up at you. 

I know she can’t say it herself, but she already loves you so much. 

I can just tell that she is just going to be a major daddy’s girl. 

One day, she’s gonna look up at you with her gorgeous eyes and tell you herself for the first time that she loves you. 

When you pick her up from school someday, she’s gonna run to you with her arms wide open yelling, “Daddy,” and she’s gonna have the biggest smile on her face. 

I love how she smiles when she hears your voice. 

I love how you smile when you have her in your arms. 

I can see that when your eyes connect, it is true love. 

I know that you would do anything in the world for her. 

I am so thankful that she has a father like you. 

I am so thankful that you are so good to her.   

Even though things are the way that they are with us, I know that our little girl will be the glue that holds us all together. 

She is the reason things are going to be okay and peaceful and smooth. 

We are both going to raise her in the best way that we can with the cards that we’ve been dealt. 

I know that she is going to have a great life. 

I know that she is always going to be loved. 

I know that she is never going to doubt our love for her. 

I know that she will always feel safe when she is with us. 

Everything is going to be okay. 

Thank you for everything. 

Thank you for being you. 

Thank you for loving our Arial Rose.