Chapter 18

A whole new chapter in my life is beginning on Saturday. I am now going to be 18 years old... an adult. It's so hard to wrap my mind around. With this new chapter comes a whole lot more decisions and changes that have to be made. From college to a career. From struggles to freedoms. I don't know where I am going to start, but I should start to get my crap together.

One major thing that I need to ponder more and more is college. I don't know what I want to major in, where to go, or how I'm gonna pay for it. It's almost like I fight myself on what's going to happen. Part of me says to go for journalism... another part says go for some sort of youth ministry... the other part saying to take a break and not rush into things. The three choices battling each other inside of my head almost gives me a headache. I tell myself that I should make lists of pros and cons of each, yet I never get around to doing it. Call me the procrastinator of the century.

Then, I debate on where I want to even go... where I want to apply... all that jazz. I know that I don't make the grades to get into places like Purdue or Indiana University. I don't have the money to go to places like Taylor or IWU or Franklin. Ball State just keeps coming to mind, but there's still a little part of me that doubts that is the right place for me. No matter where I go though, one of the biggest struggles is going to be of the financial variety.

Another thing about college that seriously freaks me out is my spiritual well-being. This is why I want to go to a Christian school, and Ball State doesn't fit that criteria. The negative side of me sees myself getting in with the wrong crowd: drinking and partying, etc. I don't want to be that kind of person. The positive side of me sees myself continuing to strive to better my relationship with God: staying faithful within my church and spending some one on one time with Him. Again though, I talk about these things, but don't ever sit and think about how I am going to better myself.

College aside, there are other things in my life that need to happen. From this point on, I am determined to stay strong. Ask people for help instead of trying to do all these things on my own. Pray more, read my Bible more, praise more... All things that are very possible. I'm not just going to say it this time: I'm going to make the change happen. 

Next thing, I have to get better with staying accountable. I have to be 100% honest in order to get better. Instead of bottling everything up, I'm going to start opening up more with myself, my accountability partner, and most importantly with God. Doing this will help lead me to more truth, and more freedom and victory. It will help to better my prayer life and relationships with God and others. 

Another thing in this new chapter that I'm gonna be working on is living the unashamed life. I'm going to represent Christ in every single aspect possible. I'm going to be a light, and share His love. Gonna start living for God seven days a week instead of just on Wednesdays and Sundays. It's gonna take baby steps, though. Progress is progress. 

Well, I believe that chapter 18 of my life is going to be a good one. I'm determined that it's going to be. It's my goal to he drama free and just full of happiness and joy. 

Prayers would be appreciated as I make my way through this journey. 

Freedom

There are time when I feel like I'm absolutely crashing to rock bottom, and there are time when I feel like I'm soaring high. 

Tonight I have made a decision. Any addiction-depression-doubt-guilt-etc. that is taking over my life right now, I am DEMANDING it in Jesus name to get out of my life. I am DONE. 

I'm sick and tired of feeling like my life is a mess, like everything is spiraling out of control: Jesus died for me, brutally, so I can be free. So, why let this sadness and darkness overcome me any longer?!?! 

I am a child of the One True King, and Satan no longer had a grip on my life. I'm waving my white flag because I now belong to God. No turning back. I'm never going back to the Jewell that I was. I am new, and finally happy. 

It's time for me to actually live the change instead of just talk about. Things are different this time. This feeling of total surrender and reckless abandon is one that I am feeling right now, but cannot explain in words. 

God, 

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for delivering me; for setting me free. 

I praise you for the amount of love that you have for me: it will always remain. 

You are so holy, and I cannot wait to someday spend all of eternity in your presence. 

My everything is yours, God. 

Amen!!!! 

Things Gone Wrong

My life is like a spiral. 

Spinning faster and faster. 

Out of control. 

Or maybe it's like an ocean. 

Chaotic waves crashing all around me. 

A lifeless soul gasping for some air. 

Things are not going right at all. 

It's all wrong. 

Nothing should be going the way it is. 

Why is everything so out of control? 

Why is the darkness closing in? 

Why can't I feel happy anymore? 

I feel like all I do anymore is complain. 

Yet, discuss about victory. 

Up and down... Up and down... 

Like the world's largest roller coaster of emotions. 

Is it a mental thing? 

Physical? 

Spiritual? 

Maybe it's a combination of the three. 

Only God knows. 

If He really is all-knowing and stuff. 

I know He is. 

Yet, I still question everything. 

When it comes to helping others with their faith, I do just fine. 

Why can't I help myself grow, though?! 

All I want is for the questions to go away. 

I want the feeling of fresh faith to come back... And to stay. 

I want to be able to rejoice in my suffering, instead of just talking about it. 

I should feel like I love to pray, instead of feeling like its something I have to do. 

I should long to get ahold of my Bible and read it everyday, instead of forcing myself to crack it open. 

See... It's all so wrong. 

It shouldn't be this way. 

It's not okay. 

There is only one thing that I need to start doing in order to change these things. 

I absolutely have to hit my knees, and pray my little heart out. 

God, 

I am begging you for your mercy. 

I'm crying out to you, oh, abba father. 

My heart is shattered, and only you can put it back together. 

I pray they you would give me a desire for your love, again. 

I can't do this alone, anymore. 

Amen. 

I Am Victorious

Victory is such a sweet thing.
It puts a smile on my ace that only God could give me.
It gives me a feeling in my stomach that can never be replaced.
Praises and hallelujahs come from me.
The sense of knowing that I've overcome a big obstacle with God's help is the happiest thing ever.
All the glory goes to Him, though.
I take zero credit.
Without Jesus, it's not possible.
As I go out and lie, I still have to trust Him with my absolute all.
I need to start praying more; worrying less.
Rejoicing more; pondering less.
Embracing more; running less.
I have finally gotten where I need to be; broken before God and ready for more of Him.
No more running away or backing down.
No more getting scared and avoiding it.
I have the right people, place, and resources in my life to finally make this change happen.
I have everyone who supports me, willing to help me.
What am I waiting for?!

Jesus,
I am ready.
For divine intervention.
For ultimate collision.
I can't do it without You, God.
Not anymore.
I'm handing over complete control of my everything.
I am Yours.
Where You lead me, I will go.
I will follow.
I am Yours, and Yours alone.
God, I pray that You would allow me to know You more, and learn more about You in miraculous ways.
I long to feel Your presence, heavily, and I am thankful that You give us all a chance to feel that.
Whatever it takes, God.
I'm willing to do whatever it is You want me to do.
I want a deeper and more intimate relationship with You.
I just want less of me, and more of You.
Even though I am so undeserving of all of this, Your grace comes into the picture and makes it possible.
Thank You, Jesus.
I love You.
Amen!