Life Is A Journey

"Life is a journey, not so much to a destination, but a transformation. Looking back, doesn't it feel like our richest times come right in the midst of our hardest? But God made us to live in community, to laugh and to cry. To hurt and to celebrate with each other, no matter what we're going through. And transformation is tough, and we don't always end up where we think we will. But we have to remember, that even when we struggle to believe in Him, He always believes in us. He fills our lives with purpose and passion, if we just let Him. And the best part of the journey, is that the God of the universe, sometimes allows us to play a part in changing the world. Isn't that a trip?" ~Chris Vaughn (To Save A Life)

I can never tell where my life's journey is going. My senior year of high school starts in 3 days, and I don't feel prepared at all. I realized today that I'm gonna have to seriously start looking at colleges. I have to decide on a major that's right for me. It seems as though my life is flashing before my eyes, and I don't know what to do or where to go.

I know that God has big plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), but I find myself not knowing how to embrace those plans. With everything flying at me at full speed, I have learned to block out/ignore God. That's awful of me, I know, but I can't help it sometimes. Instead of embracing Him, I walk the opposite direction. But, since God is a gentleman, He isn't going to force Himself into my life. That would be why I need to come to my senses and just hit my knees and ask Him for help.

Honestly, I feel like I'm just babbling. But, oh well. The quote I put at the beginning is something that I read often. It has so much meaning, but I just read it like I'm supposed to magically understand it. Kinda like I feel about life. Like I should just be able to instantly understand it. But, either way, I can keep trying.

No matter how stressed out I get, I'm just gonna keep reading that quote, the Bible, and trusting God. Sorry the random babbling in this one. Just had to get my thoughts out.

To My Friend

Dear Friend,
You know who you are.

I'm sorry that I can't help you like I would like to.
I'm sorry that the help you need, I can't give you.
I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much.
I'm so sorry that you feel like there is no hope.

I pray for you every single day: the same prayer.
I ask God to let you know that He still loves you.
I always beg Him to show Himself to you in a drastic way.
I pray for you to get a desire to change: that God would just snap His fingers, and all of this will be over for you: but, I know it's not that easy.

I try to talk to you, and give you wise words.
I attempt to encourage you everyday: especially when you are struggling.
Yet, I feel like I don't do enough.
I feel like, I'm not giving it my all to try and stop you.
"There's gotta be something more that I can do," I think to myself.

It literally pains me to see you suffer: to know that you are so numb.
It brings me to tears every time you give in because I again couldn't stop you.

There are times when I blame myself because I don't feel like I'm being supportive enough.
I just want to hug you, and tell you that everything is going to be okay, but I can't do that: you live too far away.
 I guess that's why I literally text you all of the time: to tell myself that it's gonna distract you.
Too bad it doesn't always work that way.

I don't really know what else to say, except this:
Please forgive me for not being able to give you the help that you need.
For not always being there for you no matter how hard I try to be.
Please forgive me for always shoving Jesus down your throat: you've gotten enough of that your whole life.

I will end with this: I love you like a brother, and I don't know what I would do without you. You are my best friend, and the best one I could ever ask for.
Stay strong. The struggle will end soon, and redemption will have the victory.

Sincerely,
Jewell.

P.S. Thanks for being awesome.

As Time Goes By

Growing up really sucks. I turn 18 in one month and one day, and it is still crazy to wrap my mind around. I will be an adult. That's so weird to think about. I will be graduating this year, and then going off to college. I seriously cannot believe how fast time truly does fly.

It seems like just yesterday I was walking into my very first day of kindergarten: wearing my little blue and gray plaid jumper dress. Thinking I was the coolest little kid ever because I had the powerpuff girls backpack... with sparkles. I had the big box of crayons, instead of that lousy 24 pack, so I felt like the queen of the classroom. Next week would be my birthday, and everyone would love me for bringing in cupcakes, so I would be friends with everyone. Then there was naptime. Oh how I hated it, but would give anything to have it back. Haha.

Then, seven years go by, and I am going into seventh grade. Middle school. I felt so awesome and felt like a teenager, finally. It's like I could have a fresh start, and make a ton more new friends. I thought I was set because I made cheerleading, so I was a happy camper. I made amazing grades, and things didn't seem to be so stressful just yet. I loved having my very own locker, and loved going around from class to class. I felt like I was too cool for school. Then, eighth grade came along. Sure, I was still a cheerleader, but things started getting stressful. Things at home were just ridiculous, and it showed. My personality changed. My whole attitude about everything changed. My great-grandpa had died that year, so that didn't help matters, either.

Next comes freshman year. It had a rocky start, but I made the best of it. I was crushed because I didn't make cheerleading, but I made show choir, so I was content with that. I had my show choir family, so I didn't care how things were at home, really because I was hardly ever there with all the practices and stuff. But, even though I was gaining friends and a social life, I was losing hope and confidence. Second semester that year, my life began a journey. I became friends with this very outgoing character named Kenton. We had study hall together, and he sat right behind me. I can remember this day so clearly: he looked at me and said, "Are you okay? You seem down." I go, "Yeah, of course. I'm totally fine. Just tired is all." He said, "That's the biggest lie I've ever heard come out of your mouth." That caught me off guard, so I just kinda stared at him. He continued, and said, "Jewell, I feel like you're missing something in your life. Do you think you'd wanna come to church with me?" I said, "No thanks. I'm good." He said, "Well, too bad. You're coming anyways. I'll pick you up on Sunday. Where do you live?" Little did I know, that by doing that, he changed my life forever. That same year, I met who would later become one of my very best friends, Philip.

Sophomore year, at the very beginning, I gave my life to the Lord, and I accepted Him as my Savior. Best decision ever, I might add. But, then, my life got rocky. Even though I was living for God, things got really bad and difficult for me. I moved back in with my mom, and it was the most stressful thing ever. Things were sailing smoothly, and just dandy. But, honestly, I felt myself spinning deeper into a pit.

Junior year came along, finally. Things at home started to suck more and more and more. It got to the point where I never wanted to be home. Ever. But, it's okay. I finally met my other two best friends: Ethan and Libby. They, along with Philip, have come to my rescue many times. But, the whole YOC thing happened, and I just gave up pretty much. Second semester, though, David comes along. He invites me to come to church with him. Since things at my other church were getting kinda sketchy, I decided to give it a shot. Little did I know, I'd still be going there to this day. But, anyways, junior year was just a bunch of crazy madness.

Now, here I sit, a week until the start of my senior year. I find myself thinking about my future, and how quick my life is going by. It seems like all of these years have just flown by, and I haven't been living it fully like God intends for me to do. I am literally letting my life slip away, and I don't seem to care. I spend my time complaining about how bad things are, when I should be praising God for how far He's brought. I think about, "what if," but don't ever act upon my dreams. God is telling me to embrace who I am and what I want to do, but here I sit worrying about how it's gonna happen.

Dear God,
I pray that you would help me to just calm down and stop stressing about the future that You are planning for me. I want to realize how much I need to rely on You for all of this because I don't think I do. Help me to give 100% control to You, God, for I cannot do this on my own. I pray that as this year goes by, that You would  show me the baby steps that You want/need me to take, to make it.
"My life is not my own. To You I belong. I give myself, I give myself to You."
Amen.  

The First Move

I find myself asking so many questions anymore. Questions about life and why things happen the way that they do. I often wonder how things would have been if I had done one little thing differently, or if I hadn't met a person. I question these things, maybe because I am on a search for hope. I think about the things in my past that I could have changed, that could have changed the outcome, and maybe things wouldn't be the way that they are right now. 

But, is that really what I want? My past to change? No. I just want some hope and peace and rest so badly, that I blame my past for why I don't have those things now. 

Now, I know that with God in my life, I have these things. The thing is though, I am too blinded by the world to realize it. I am too busy asking all the questions and wondering that  I completely forget that my God is waiting for me to hit my knees and just cry out to Him for mercy. 

I need to get myself to realize that it's okay to ask God why. It's okay to run a million miles an hour into His open and loving embrace. 

He can't help me, if I don't ask. Such a simple thing, but yet so hard to do. Become broken and weak before the Lord, so I can seek shelter in Him. It sounds so marvelous. Yet, I still find myself holding back, which is really dumb of me. I know the things that I need to do to have some change in my life. So, I need to start pushing myself, because I can't just sit back. It won't happen that way. God is a gentleman, and He won't force Himself to come back into my life. I have to make the first move. 

Dear God, 

I miss You. I love You. 

I can't go on any farther without You, anymore. 

My life is full of so much chaos. 

I want You back. I need You. 

I see You everywhere, and I feel You with me all of the time. 

I desire for Your arms to wrap around me. 

You are my Daddy. 

I can't thank You enough for bringing me as far as You already have, and I know that You have big plans for me to go farther. 

Rescue me, again, God. 

Amen. 

Anything Can Be Redeemed

After my week at CIY Move, I can not stop smiling. It was amazing to see God doing such amazing work. It made me happy to see my friends and I worshiping with reckless abandon. I loved it how we just gave God our all, and how our lives changed. 

But, one thing that we all need to remember is this: we may be on fire now because of our amazing week, but we need to work hard and stay faithful to God in order for the changes we made to stay in our lives. We have to keep each other accountable and pray with all we've got. The things of this world and the devil will try his best to bring us down. But, our victory in Jesus says that he has no grip on us and our lives. 

"Things will happen. Time will change. But, Your love remains." 

These lyrics are so full of truth. No matter what life throws our way, God will never love us any more or any less. That is probably the greatest thing that I learned this week. 

Now, one of the speakers, Michael DeFazio, spoke some words of truth straight from God. The title of one of his messages was, "Anything Can Be Redeemed." It really got to me. After he finished speaking, I went back to my dorm and thought about what he said. 

Anything can be redeemed. 

That's the beautiful thing about God, and how He works. 

Even though it can be hard to understand what God is doing, trust Him anyways. 

Even though we may feel like God isn't faithful, He still is anyways. 

Life isn't always going to go like you expect it to go. 

Nothing can happen to you, that God can't redeem. 

Disasters happen. 

Tragedies happen. 

The words, "anything/everything happens for a reason," are inaccurate. 

No matter what happens in between, the story is going to reach the conclusion that God designed it to reach. 

Anything can be redeemed. 

So, no matter what happens, and no matter where we all end up, we will always remember our amazing week at CIY Move. We all made some big decisions for Jesus, and I pray that we all stick to the decisions that we made.