The JOY of the Lord is our strength.

 It has been quite a while since I have really written anything. But, the whirlwind of a week it’s been has taught me that life is short, and I should not hesitate doing what I love to do. God has told me through a couple of people since Saturday, to keep writing. So, I am going to listen and obey and write. 

I just lost one of my very dear friends. Her name is Michelle. She was a pillar in our church, and a genuine Christian woman. She was kind, bubbly, and REAL. She showed every single person she came into contact with, love. Her passing has affected so so many people. 

I want to write today about grief. I don’t know very much about it, really. I’ve never felt grief like this in any way before. I obviously do not like it… but it is very real and very much happening to a lot of us throughout this journey. 

My pastor preached a very delicate message on Sunday and it was titled, “Why, God?” Just the title alone is enough to make me start weeping all over again… even though I’ve cried so much the last four days that I might very well be dehydrated. But the question of, “why, God,” is a short and simple question. I have asked that very question quite a few times since everything happened. 

God may not have answered me when I asked him why, but He did tell me that it’s okay to question Him when things don’t go as planned. It’s okay to be angry at Him… to be disappointed that He chose not to answer our prayers for healing… to scream at Him… to feel the pain. He keeps telling me over and over again to not be afraid to feel the pain and the grief that I am feeling. He wants all of us to feel that though this pain is real, SO IS HE! 

So, I have decided to feel my pain and confront my feelings… one of which is JOY! Michelle, my sweet friend, is as the picture perfect example of true joy. So, I wanted to write about a couple of memories of her that have brought me a little sprinkle of joy these last few days, and I hope that they put a smile on your face as well. 

The very first memory of Michelle that keeps playing on replay in my mind is one from Mother’s Day last year, 2024. I brought my son to church with me, and she could tell that I was kind of struggling and couldn’t get him to cooperate… toddlers, ya know. As I was sitting in the kids playroom during worship service with Owen, Michelle walked by and saw me in there with him. She popped her head in the door and said, “Hey girl! Whatcha doin in here? Oh, hi Owen! I’m Michelle!” Then, she told me that I was doing a great job and gave me a hug. She then decided to get down on the floor and start playing with Owen. She asked him the name of all his little Paw Patrol characters that he had with him. She said, “Skye is my favorite one because I have a daughter named Sky.” Owen just warmed right up to her and was just playing with her and laughing. It was something that I will never forget. 

The second memory that I want to share about Michelle is actually just from last week. I went and visited with her in the hospital. When I got there, she was like, “The flowers are beautiful, but I wouldn’t mind sneaking a drink from the energy drinks you brought for Wes.” That made her mom and I start to laugh. She was in so much pain that day, but she was still laughing and had a big smile on her face. We talked and we laughed together for almost two hours. We talked about Grey’s Anatomy and we laughed about the crazy names her doctor’s had and how the hospital she was in was nothing like a medical tv show. It was just a normal day, even though she was sick. 

I am so beyond thankful that I went to visit her that day… but I did not anticipate that it would be the last time that I would see her or talk to her. As I was about to leave, she hugged me and said, “Thanks for stopping by. I love you, girl.” Her last words to me were that she loves me. I am SO blessed and to have known her and so blessed that I got to see her and hang out with her that day. 

There are so many more memories that I could share… but there’s not enough time in the world to write it all down. The two that I chose to share are so special to me. 

I have been through a whirlwind of emotions these last few days. I guess grief does that. I don’t know how to make it to the other side of the grief, or how to make the heartbreak go away, but Jesus does. He sees all and knows all. He has a plan and a purpose and a PROMISE for all of us going forward. None of us are in this alone, I know that much. 

I have been angry. I have been confused. I have been in a huge pile of denial. I have screamed and cried. I have prayed. I have felt the body of Christ become unified in a way this is supernatural. God is MOVING, even in the midst of our pain and sorrow and mourning. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Like I said, I haven’t written in a while, so this might be all over the place. I hope it blesses you and helps you to know that you’re not alone in your feelings. 

The Life of a Stay At Home (Away From Home) Mom

 Hi there. It sure has been a while since I’ve had the motivation, inspiration, and the time to do some writing. Life is chaotic when you have a husband, 2 kids, a dog, and a guinea pig. 

But, something has kept me awake tonight and I just knew that I had to finally write out what’s been happening lately. I mean, it’s literally kept me awake it’s 12:55 am and I am WIDE AWAKE. 

I don’t even know where to begin. I believe the last thing that I wrote about was my decision to move to Albuquerque, New Mexico with Ty. 

Well, I did that. And I married him. Lol. I’ve been living here for about a year and a half or so now, I think. I lost count because of the pandemic. Time just runs together. 

Anyways. Ty and I got married in February of 2020 and our son is now 18 months old and our daughter is 3 years old. We have a husky named Aurora and a guinea pig named Hagrid. It’s a great time here. 

I am so thankful and blessed to have such a wonderful little family. 

But, let me tell ya. Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job that I’ve ever had. For those of you who think it’s easy, well.... go away. Lol. 

It’s amazing getting to spend this time with my kids while they’re little. I love them with my whole heart. 

But, I am really struggling. 

If I was back home in Indiana, I don’t think I would be, though honestly. 

The problem I have here is that I am kinda stuck. I don’t have any friends because I can’t exactly meet anyone new in this line of work. 

I don’t have any family here either, except for my husband and kids of course. 

We don’t even have a babysitter here, y’all. 

We are alone. 

My husband at least gets to go to work and be around his work friends and other adults. But, not me. 

I have fallen into this dark place that I just can’t seem to crawl back out of. 

I need a break. 

I need to be able to go out with my husband without our babies. We love them, but ya know.... married people still deserve to have date nights every now and then. 

But, we don’t have that option so we make it work. When the kids go to bed, we spend time together and it’s always very special. We love each other so deeply and that’s what keeps us going. 

I also miss working and being able to make my own money. I’ve never been the type to just be a housework doing only type of gal. I was not made for that kind of job. 

Sure, I get the dishes and laundry done. I make sure the kids are clean, fed, and happy. 

But.... what about me? 

This momma is tired. 

This momma is exhausted. 

This momma is lonely. 

This momma needs a break. 

I mean yeah, I go to the grocery store occasionally. And, I get to be by myself in the shower of course. 

But, I don’t know why I can’t just be content and feel happy like I should be. 

We have a great life here. We truly do. We are blessed that we have a very nice apartment, a beautiful Jeep, and a kitchen full of food to eat. 

I am BLESSED and I am GRATEFUL. 

But.... I am not okay sometimes. 

I feel like I’m just babbling at this point, but I feel better just saying all of this. 

Even if no one reads it, it feels good to be writing again. 

I am not okay sometimes, and that’s okay. 

In 2 short years, Ty will be leaving the military and we can finally move back home. 

Until then, I will continue to do my best and try my very hardest at putting on my happy face for my children. I will continue to love them and cherish this time that I’ll have with them before we move back home. 

Tonight, I am a little sad just because I’m homesick, but I am also feeling blessed. 

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Lol. 

New Beginnings

Hey, everyone. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve written anything. I guess you could say I’ve just been waiting for the perfect story. Well, since it’s 2020 and a lot has changed in my life. 

To begin, my beautiful Arial turned two years old. She’s growing and growing and learning more each and every day. She’s got a sparkling personality. 

A month before Arial turned two, she became a big sister! Owen was born in October. He was a chunky baby. He’s 3 and a half months old now and getting bigger and stronger with each passing day. 

Being a mom to two kids is definitely different. And, I thought I would be doing it all alone. I was wrong. 

Ty and I are engaged and are getting married next month. He is an amazing daddy and takes care of me and the kids. He is the best man I could’ve ever asked for. 

Now, one thing about him is that he’s in the Air Force. That means he’s not at home. He’s in Albuquerque. 

As much as I love being home in Indiana, I love Ty so much more. I love having a family with him. They are my happiness. I can’t imagine my life being any other way than what it is right now. So, that being said, I made the decision that for his last 3 years in the service, I’m gonna be in Albuquerque with him. 

Sure, I miss home, but I would miss Ty more and I would be sad away from him. And, my kids need a happy mommy, not a sad one. 

So, our journey is really starting to take off. 

Little by little, we are making this work. 

Our 2020 is going to be amazing. We are going to buy a house this year. We are gonna get me a new car this year. And, most importantly, it’ll be our first full year together. 

Everything is working out for the better. I went through some hard times the past few years, but in the end, it made me who I am today. I couldn’t be happier with how our lives have turned out. 

Here’s to a great new year! 

We’re All In This Together

I always learned growing up that I’m supposed to share. Pretty simple, right? Wrong. Okay, well maybe sharing toys and snacks as a kid was easy peasy lemon squeezey.

As an adult, it becomes a whole lot more difficult to share. No, I’m not still talking about toys or snacks.... I am talking about my daughter.

Sharing my sweet girl is not something I thought I would be doing. I mean, yes sharing her with her dad isn’t difficult, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

Never would I ever have imagined my daughter having a second mother-like figure in her life. It’s taken me literally all 17 months of her life to even accept it. It bothered me. It was an extremely hard pill to swallow.

I wanted to be Arial’s one and only mommy.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I gave birth to her and am her actual mother, but you get what I’m saying.... or at least what I’m trying to say.

It kind of all hit me at once. I swallowed my pride pill. I finally accepted that it’s not just me and Matthew that are raising Arial. Katie plays just as big of a role in her life as him and I do.

For the longest time since everything happened, I didn’t even want Arial’s name coming out of her mouth. I was deeply wounded, and I let it cloud my parental judgement.

I have since then, forgiven Katie, allowed myself to trust her again, and finally accepted that she very well could be Arial’s step-mom some day.

A year and a half can give a person plenty of time to do those things. I feel so much happier as a human being, not having all that bitterness bottled up anymore. Forgiveness really does set you free.

So, anyways, long story short.... co-parenting is hard. Letting another woman love my child is hard. But, I promise you this.... it’s so worth it.

We all do this and work together because of the love and the compassion that we have for Arial.

In a weird, dysfunctional, yet totally functional way, we make a great team. I guess some would even consider this a family.

It is the hardest, but the best thing that all of us have been through.

Thank you, Matt and Katie for being so awesome and for always loving Arial. As long as we keep her number one, everything’s gonna be perfectly okay. Maybe even in her teenage years. Lol.

The Best Revenge

Living a good life is really the best revenge. Once they can acknowledge that they cannot ruin your happiness, they lose their power.

The best revenge is not wallowing in self pity or or lashing out at the person who hurt or broke you. That will only end up hurting you more than it will the others.

Work on yourself instead of focusing on what you don't have or what someone else does have. Work on your future instead of lingering around your past. Work on your heart instead of trying to hurt somebody else's. 

People will literally hate to see you so happy, but don't let it make you fall down. Stand strong in your happiness and laugh off all of the haters.

Stop letting the people who hurt you long ago, or even recently, dictate your life. Stop letting the people who betrayed you or talked about you behind your back ruin your future.

You run your life, and you run your future. So, stop letting the past run you.

Turn your life into something that you'll always be proud of. Turn your life into someone that you can also be proud of. Focus on the light that you bring to your own life. Focus on what makes your heart beat faster... on what makes your smile beam brighter.

Focus on the people that make life a little shinier. Focus on the people that make you laugh so hard that you can hardly breathe.

Stop letting toxic people back into your life. Let go of what you should've let go of a long time ago.

People may see you fall sometimes, but guess what... they will also see you get back up again.

Be happy. Go and life your life without regrets... without the what ifs... without the could haves. Just go live. THAT is the best revenge.

Live the life you want to live, and everything will fall into place.

Positive Mind, Happy Life

There comes a time in your life when you have to clean house. By clean house I mean that you have to get rid of any and all negative things and people.

When you're trying with all of your might to better your own life, you cannot let the negativity of others bring you down anymore. You deserve more; you deserve BETTER.

Remember: You can control how you feel. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I know that it can be really difficult to think about that quote whenever you're getting picked on or having a really rough day or when you're around the most negative Nancy in the entire world. But, we always always always have the option to choose the mindset that we want to have. No matter what anyone else says or does, how they treat us or make us feel, we have the power to choose the way we look at situations... but not only that, how we react to them.

Value your own thoughts and emotions. The more that you do that, the less someone else can control and manipulate you to feel a certain way. For me, the older I get and the more I learn about life, the more confident I feel. It's helped me to stop worrying about what other people say, think, or do. I mean, yeah... to some extent I care, but I try not to make it my main focus. I try to keep my main focus on the opinions and thoughts and words of the positive role models and friends in my life. I will rely on those that have a positive effect and try to block out the ones that bring nothing but negativity.

Limit your interactions when possible. You have to do whatever you can to limit your interactions with the people that don't bring you happiness and positivity. Often, there are functions and events that you don't even really have to go to. Avoid those whenever possible. But, if there are things that you need to be at, just make sure to face it head on with a positive attitude.

Worry only about yourself and what you're doing. When it comes down to it, the only person you have to worry about it you (and your children of course!!!!! But you get what I'm saying.) You don't have to worry about the what the negative people are up to or what they're out there doing. You have to be happy with yourself. You absolutely cannot waste time worrying about them or letting them bring you down. No matter how much you might care about those people in your life, the only person you can really control is yourself. So, when faced with negative people, focus on what you can do to make your experience better. You cannot worry about them, because no matter how much you might want to, you might not be able to change their attitudes. Instead, focus on yourself.

Make the choice to be positive. Even though it may seem hard at times, positivity is always an option. You can choose to let others bring you down, or you can choose to bring yourself up. Every time you're with a negative person, you have the choice to view them in a positive light. It won't be easy, but it's always an option.

As anyone who's been in a situation where they are trying their very hardest to stay positive in their lives while others are being negative, you know how hard it actually is to not be dragged down into their pool of negativity. Just know that you are not alone. It is hard to stay positive, but it is so totally worth it and is extremely rewarding. Just keep fighting the good fight. Keep a smile on your face, and throw kindness around like it's confetti. :) 

To My Daughter

Arial Rose McComas,

Next month, you will be one year old. I cannot believe it. It seems like just yesterday is when I had you. Time flies by so fast. 

You are the sweetest gift that I have ever received. I adore you.

You are a bright young thing. The whole world is in front of you. Take things as they come and you will weather well.

Go everywhere. Be brave and strong and free.

Keep your eyes, ears, and heart wide open. Look for the goodness all around you. You are surrounded by a crowd of people who love you.

When you feel small in a great big world, be still. Think of your beautiful roots. They are deep and true and will allow you to stretch far.

So, as you grow up and go into the world, let your little light shine big.

Always remember that you are loved and you are a blessing.

You are the littlest one that ever stole my heart.

The moment I laid my eyes on you and looked into yours, I knew that my world had changed for the better.

 I always look at your little face and wonder where life is going to take you.

I have so many big dreams for you and the woman that you will become.

I pray that God will guide me as I guide you.

I love you with all of my heart, to heaven and back infinity times.